Day 71

Happy New Year.  2010 you were good to me.

Day 70

Day 70.  I like the sound of that.  How cool is it that my twelve year old class came over for a party and we had so much fun that four hours later they finally left??  Even more cool that I had so much fun, I didn't even care!      

Sorry, C.  I miss you.  Let's talk tomorrow.

Day 69

The blizzard rages white outside and inside T is painting the kitchen cabinets white.  My kitchen is shredded, trashed, but you should see how good the cabinets look.  He is painting them cream actually and then will glaze them with a deep brown.  It will change the whole look of the kitchen which is good because right now the walls and cabinets are practically the same color.  T is home all week and its been so nice, the kids have loved it even if he has been really busy.

As he is my captive audience, I read him about five chapters of my story.  He gave me advice.  He challenges me, asks me questions I never considered, and he likes my writing.  I love reading him my stuff.  My daughter hung out with her best friend today.  Her best friend is 13, though little C thinks they are the same age.  She got her hair curled with a curling iron (something I would never have attempted), and had her finger nails and toe nails painted. 

I've edited about 17 chapters.

Day 68

Ok, I have been doing some heavy edits on my novel.  Lest you think I have forgotten all about it, I have added an additional 2,339 words since I "finished" it for NaNoWriMo.  I have edited up until Chapter 15, but there is still tons to do.  So is it around 70,000 words for a YA novel?  I guess it doesn't matter at this point, it just needs to feel finished to me.

I had a lovely time meeting up with you today, J.  You definitely warmed up the bitter cold weather!  I just ate my weight in chicken enchiladas sans cheese so I'm off to do Pilates.  Then at 10pm (can you believe it, I really need to go to bed!) I am comparing cool skirt finds with L that we procured from the DI of all places.   They really were some great finds.   

Day 67

I want to write this before I forget.  This year I have been richly blessed.  It made no sense for me to start Pilates and Physical Therapy now.  We don’t have a lot of money; T is still looking for another job.  Yet, through help and inspiration I have been able to heal with the best PT I have ever worked with at a time in which my mind, body and spirit are able to receive it.

 I felt prompted to write everyday and while perhaps that writing is only for my family or only for me to personally keep up on a talent I’ve been given, the prompting was strong and I have followed it.  I have been able to write a road show, novel, and have received personal insights that because I am in a habit of writing, I have documented for posterity.

I have taught by the spirit a group of amazing children when I wondered what my worth in the gospel was and the experience that verified the calling was strong and personal from a loving Father.

I have been blessed to go to the temple every week and have changed my life because of it.  The blessings have literally come true in my life and I wish I could convey the beauty that I have found within those walls, within myself.  I am communing with angels while I am there.  It is that profound, that lovely, it is home to me, it is what I want my own home to be.

These things plus the family I adore have been my life this year 2010.  This is what I have been doing.  I have never been so happy. 

For 2011, I have a couple of additional goals.  Well, first off I would love for T to find a great job.  Second, I would love to buy vintage dresses and change up my style.  I would also love to feel well enough that I can take a dance class.  Ballet, please.   And one day when I have the money, time, wherewithal, I would love to take up oil painting.  I envision myself with a canvas creating a masterpiece of color.  Isn’t is strange?  I don’t feel like there’s an artist within me, but the image won’t leave me.  I just have this feeling like I’m a painter who doesn’t yet know she’s a painter.  I wish I could describe it.  The writing thing is clear, and the art thing is embedded, but it’s there.

Finally, I want each of you to know how grateful I am for you.  Thank you for supporting me, cheering me on, and loving me despite all my faults, foibles, and weakness.  Thank you.

Day 66

L, your lesson on the Savior today was one of the most beautiful I have ever heard.  Thank you. 

Today I said goodbye to my awesome twelve year olds.  This has been a banner year with them.  I have taught a lot of teenagers, but these kids are exceptional.  I look forward to watching their lives unfold for years to come.  Next week begins 9 AM church.  No more nap time woe, but can we be ready that early?

10 AM is when I begin to shine, so watch for the droopy redhead for at least an hour on Sunday mornings in 2011.

Day 65

On C's second Christmas I bought a giant piece of plywood and had it cut into 6 large squares.  I painted each square a bright happy color and then painted a different jungle animal on each one.  It took me weeks after he went to bed and there wasn't much room since we lived in my parent's basement at that time, but I remember how excited I was for him to see them.

My tenacity paid off and Christmas morning his eyes were saucers as he gasped in his baby way to see the homemade pictures all over the room.

A couple months later I would be hurt and it would start a journey of pain that made another attempt at such a Christmas surprise impossible.  I have not had another Christmas as good as that one, now 8 years ago...until today.


Until today.  T,C, and little C I love you with all my heart.  Merry Christmas.

Day 64

I wrote a few words just to keep my momentum going, but let's face it, it's Christmas Eve.

The children are nestled, the stockings are hung, and now comes one of my favorite parts preparing for tomorrow.  There is one gift in particular that I can't wait for little C to receive.


So all I have to say is Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Day 63

Just got back from Temple Square.  Phew!  Beautiful, but did everybody have the same idea to go there tonight?  So crowded, but the kids had a great time and it was nice to be together.  Tomorrow morning I am taking C to see Narnia.  Has anyone taken their kids to that yet?  It will be a date just the two of us and its long overdue.  We are instituting a rewards chart for being responsible and getting chores and homework done and the big ticket items are dates with T and dates with me.  So far the response has been enthusiastic and its something I'm really looking forward to.

Speaking of C, he says Merry Christmas Adam, being of course the precursor to Eve...


Chip.Block. I tell you.  The puns don't skip a generation around here.

Day 62

Today I tried to deliver neighbor gifts with the kids, but it started pouring rain.  We decided to postpone that and came home to make paper snowflakes.  I tried to recreate a scene out of Porter Rockwell's paintings, but the truth is I became impatient at the mess and frustration of scissors, paper, glitter glue, etc.  I sent everyone to take a rest and took one myself as I reread part of one of the Anne of Green Gable books.  After that I was able to start over and C literally made dinner with me, browning meat, sauteeing onions and adding ingredients.  I was so proud of him.   Little C helped me make biscuits and by the time T got home, there was a candlelight dinner on the table with my Grandma's best china and we had a real "tea" party as we ate the most delicious, heavy on the kid participation, meal.  Holiday spirit, rescued.

Day 61

Writing done, but off to watch a late movie with the kids.  Love a snowy night.

Day 60

I was proud of myself for editing my story today.  I can't believe it's Day 60-Woohoo!!  Some days I look at my story and I can't understand if it's any good, and then other times I will smile as I read a line or a passage.  I need to hurry and edit it so I can have other eyes look at it for me.


  I need to actually finish making dinner as it's almost 7:30.  I love having C home and no homework or hurry in the evenings.  We will probably have late nights every night this vacation, but I don't mind.

Day 59

Our stake presidency challenged us to read the four gospels in a row by the end of the year and I realized I had never read them all together before.  It has been awesome and the testimonies shared in RS about the Savior were amazing today.  I get to go to RS and Gospel Doctrine for these next two weeks and it has been nice.

My writing on this Sunday consisted of Christmas cards.  I am trying to do better this year, so we have printed off a Christmas letter and I am writing out some cards by hand.  My poor kitchen table has become Christmas central and I know its driving T crazy.  Poor C is under the weather, poor guy, but I think the last four nights going to bed way too late isn't helping him any.

Thanks to J and B for a delightful time.  Dinner: scrumptious. 

K, I am waiting on pins and needles for your big news.  

Day 58

This is a shout out to A.  The CD, Anchor, that you gave me today is little C and my favorite one to listen to together.  I didn't own it, we would just listen to it on youtube or snippets on blogs.  I put it on tonight as we traveled north to the one time a year I make the trek to the inlaws.  I know that sounds bad, but for those of you that know that story you know that after 15 years, I still clasp T's hand and clench my jaw the whole 40 minutes there.  I have pondered not putting myself in the situation, but I do it for T, for the kids, and in the hopes that one day things can be different.

Tonight at the end, I shook my FIL's hand.  That was a big deal for me.  Hugging him would be unthinkable, though I've done it before.  I can be rather bitter about it sometimes, but the truth is I just want to be loved and accepted.  It's been enough time and enough feelings have congealed into kind of a thick emotional paste, that I don't know exactly how it will happen, but I know I pray for things to get better.  I pray for my heart to soften, for me to truly forgive and show love, even when I am rebuffed, ridiculed, ignored, or given up on.  It is a work in progress.  Sometimes I get closer than others.  I know that deep inside I love him and everybody else.  I've just got to tap into that place and then stay there.

A, thank you.  I love the music and I love you.  And you're right, the song California is my favorite.  That would be my life, if dreams came true...or at least for half of the year.   I would "pack my bags and lock my door" and travel to all the places I imagine, gathering experience and people like pebbles on the seashore.  But my life is here among my nearest and dearest and it is an amazing journey just experiencing life with all of you practically in my own back yard.  So I get to write and experience far off places that way.  And that will suffice, for now.

Day 57

I didn't get much writing done today and this is why:

Little C was a tiny lion in her dance studio's production of the Wizard of Oz.  I have to say it was a three and a half hour deal, but I could not believe the quality performance.  I see now why this studio came so highly recommended by so many people.  She danced her little heart out.   Roar...

Day 56

I worked for awhile on my story today until little C woke up from a non nap and bigger C came home from school.  I wish I had more time to work on it, but there is so much to do.  Tonight I make some Christmas crafts.  We are three gifts away from being all done.  Now comes the wrapping and the cards...which are my favorite part.  Shopping, blech.

Day 55

I come from a long line of worriers.  My parents are both worriers as well as my grandparents and I can't remember my great grand parents, but chances are they liked to fret as well.  The last couple of days have been, well, for lack of a better word, worrisome. So, in order to lighten the mood T suggested we write poetry together as my writing for Day 55.  We each wrote one line and handed the notebook back and forth.  Both poetry pieces were quite profound and unfortunately not appropriate to share on this family friendly blog.


I am the Firewoman, after all.

Day 54

Wrote one paragraph tonight.

I want to fix all my kids' problems and I can't.  I just read a book and the daughter asked her mother what the worst year of the mother's life was.  The mother said sixth grade.  Really, said the daughter, did you have a hard time in middle school?  No, said the mother, your sixth grade year.

Day 53

I only got a few words written today.  I added a little to the ending of the novel.  It was hard to find the time to write.  This evening was hectic and after I got the kids off to bed, I perused the vintage dresses online.  For research, you ask?  Why no, I just dream of wearing fifties house dresses.

Thanks to C for making four and a half hours fly by like mere minutes today.  I haven't felt that relaxed in a long time.  Thank you.  

Day 52

It is almost 10 pm.  Why are we just getting home and putting the kids to bed on a school night two hours late????


My parents got a ping pong table...


Enough said.

Day 51

After my last post, T asked me as we were falling asleep if I was still going to do fiction.  Oh ya.  No worries.  I am tired.  Got up early for the Christmas party at the ward and little C's recital practice.   I enjoyed my two visits this weekend with L.  It had been too long and it felt like old times. 

I still have to work on sharing time and I need to put a good hour in on pilates, so I will sign off.

Day 50

I started a nonfiction piece today that has nothing to do with Curly or Q or any other heroine I have worked on in the past year or so.  When I went to Writer’s at Work a couple of years ago, I should have taken the Nonfiction class.  I wanted to be with J and C so much and I had gotten recognition for fiction, but I wasn’t in the right class.   It’s not easy for me to say this.  The author who taught our class, while I learned in that week’s time to respect many things about her, didn’t touch my heart as a writer and unfortunately as I have read a very limited amount of her work, it doesn’t touch me either.

The author who was conducting the Nonfiction class however is a different story.  I could have learned from her.  As I scribble away at fiction, somehow it always comes back to my real life.  I can’t pretend as easily as I can draw on my own experience.  I often think why else have I lived and toiled and laughed and struggled if not to someday write about it.   Even if it’s only for my two children to understand, breathe in who their mother was who was difficult, who challenged them, who delighted them when she was not stressed and who filled their eyes with tears when she was.   I have taken my son with me to apologize to the neighbor boy I swore at when he trespassed and then mouthed off and the Irish ire was ignited.  I apologize an awful lot.  I hope they see me writing, doing my exercises to strengthen this body so it can play with them and have energy and trying to make goals so they will know how to as well. 

If they could read the stories of my life which when all the fragments and scraps are woven together into a kind of abstract art piece maybe it will provide answers as to who they are too.  I wish I had the stories of my parents (hint, hint) of my grandparents because I know I would find my place more readily in this world as I still daily struggle with figuring out who I am.

 I tell you, in no way are we challenged, staring into a mirror that is way too large for us and where we can see every pore, than in being a parent.  We can hold down our fears, our idiosyncrasies, our pain, but the moment we are a mentor for another human being all bets are off and we have to come to our knees. 

Writing my memoirs is like that for me.  It’s coming down to my knees and not being afraid to pull out every thorn, every piece of cloudy glass and attempting to dust it off and find the beauty in it, because at the end of the day every story of every soul is beautiful and to me there are no better stories than the true ones…I can only imagine all the untold stories that would fill the whole world just waiting to be written down. 

So yes, I believe if I am true to who I am as a writer, than I am a memoir writer.  I missed an opportunity, but now I know it.

PS-

I watched Little Women today with little C and as Professor Baer admonished Jo to write what was in her heart, I knew that this novel I have just finished isn’t it for me.  There is a story I haven’t identified yet that is my Little Women.  I just love that book, that movie, Louisa May Alcott, even though truth be told growing up I always wanted to be Amy…but that is a post for another day, isn’t it?

Carry on.

Day 49

I am up way too late.  Those of you who read my blog before bed will be shocked that it's past midnight and here I am with only a few words to show for the day of writing. 
It has been a very eye opening day.  I have learned a lot about being a parent, about the type of parent that I am.  And its been very sobering.  Sometimes its great to have somebody say to you, this is what I have observed and I don't think you're seeing it.
I knew that my son was struggling this year but I didn't know why or what to do.  I have always put him on a pedestal to be honest and the truth is, that wasn't helping him at all.  I can't always protect him or keep him in a bubble or always soften his falls.  I need to learn how to differentiate between his success and failures and my own.  Dang this parenting thing is hard.  T and I had a great conversation about ways we can help our kids and things that need to happen.  Thank you S for your insight and advice.

Also, a huge thank you for the overwhelming love and support we have received.  Thank you for your calls, your emails, seriously, I love you guys.

Day 48

1,349 words.

Today I witnessed my first born in the school Geography Bee.  He was nervous because "Mom, there are going to be eighth graders!"  He asked for a blessing from his Father, he had thumped the fourth grade being the only one who got through all rounds without a mistake.  His teacher was ecstatic and is working with the gifted/talented coordinator to keep him motivated and challenged. 

He walked up to the microphone, shorter than it had been positioned.  "South Carolina."  Incorrect.
He looked nervous.  The school and parents could only give a non verbal shaking of hands for the clapping whether correct or incorrect.  Round two, only five had gotten the first question correct, one more shot and then disqualification.  This time written on a whiteboard and held up.  In perfect penmanship and in cursive.  "Kentucky."  Incorrect.

Somewhere my heart took a swan dive.  Not because he didn't win or get one right or even because I knew somewhere he knew the answers, but was overwhelmed by a brand new experience in a gym full of people.  It was because in his defeat he walked away and despite the hands of friends waiting to give him five it was like he didn't see them.  Couldn't see the beauty in both his teachers sitting by him, comforting him, his grade cheering him on, his spelling teacher looking like a proud dad when his name was called, other contestants shaking his hand.  I knew he couldn't see the beauty in the moment he had achieved, he could only see the defeat and it stung him.

I told him I never care if he ever wins anything else in the world, all that matters is his attitude afterwards.  He looked at me.  "But mom, I will be back next year."  I realized that he does want to win and that's ok.  I want him to want to win, but he needs to know how to lose and lose well.  T says it's ok if he's not ok losing because it means he will never give up.  It's still hard watching him work so hard for something and not achieving what he wanted so much to achieve.  He's only 9 after all.  I know the feeling.  Let's face it, he has two of us who don't like losing, but who lose all the time.  He's going to know what that feels like time and again, but I never want him giving up or not finding the necessity and wisdom that comes from loss.

So far, it's come easy for him.  I hope he remembers this day and that one day when he adds to the two medals he already has he won't forget all the people that loved him even when he wasn't on top.



Go, C.   I don't always understand you, I am often blown away by you, but I love you fiercely and win or lose, you are my hero.

Day 47

Writing is an escape.  The story I can create is not mine and I can travel the world as I long to do.  I am revisiting Curly and her “ghost.”  It is soothing.  Curly has a strong voice and something about her resonates with me. 

I have known for a couple of months now, though I haven’t said anything, but I find myself in a familiar position.  My darling T is being let go from his job (trust me, not because he did anything wrong).  The layoff will be right before Christmas if not sooner.  I apologize for not coming to my nearest and dearest and confiding all.  To be honest, my parents have only known about it for a couple of days.  I found I couldn’t say the words.  I couldn’t make myself admit that it was real, not a story I was creating. 

I have learned that I have faith.  I watch my husband so blessed, so beloved as he ONCE AGAIN goes above and beyond to help everyone and anyone find work.  He has literally helped and placed tons of people.  I watch him mentor young men and established ones as well and give them career advice free of charge.  I watch people come together to put their heads together to find him a great new position.  I know this road.  It is lonely.  Hope, hope, hope, hope.  How did the interview go?  Have you heard back on anything today?  Do we sell the house?  Do we sell the jeep?  What do we do about health insurance?  Oh my gosh, what about physical therapy…trust me, this smoothes off rough edges. 

Having said all of this, I am not afraid.  I am not bitter, only my heart aches for the one I love most.  I have mentioned before that by doing initiatories every week for well over a year that the promises are literally coming fulfilled in my life.  I have made covenants, I pay a full tithe, I have the most darling family, I have a warm extended family and the most AMAZING friends on the planet. 

Christmas will be great.  Luckily we got the kids’ gifts while we still could.  We are keeping things simple and focusing on our Savior and service.  R, I will take you up on writing to your son and son in law and we are getting more service men’s names.  I want to go to retirement homes as well.  I am full of gratitude.  I want for nothing.  I am the richest person in the world.  The great thing about the uncertainty is being cradled in His arms and remembering what means most.  I love Him.  I always say there’s beauty in pain because I get to walk beside Him. 

Back to Curly, I’m trying to adapt her into a novel.  I thought she was finished, but she means a lot to me and maybe through all of this I will find she still has more to say.

Day 46

Stephen King wrote in his book, On Writing, that once one finishes a piece they should put it away for a couple of weeks and then come back to it with fresh eyes.  I'm doing that.  I just can't look at it right now.  I am going to work on the ghost story, I think.
I wrote in my journal today.  I have had the same journal for 16 years and I still have a few more pages left.  How sad is that? 

Day 45

So long, long ago I taught the 18 year olds in my ward.  They are 22 now.  I've gone to weddings, mission farewells, mission reunions and yes, baby showers for these "kids".  I had a nice long talk with two of these young men outside the bishop's office today.  Love these guys!  This is why teaching youth is the best calling in the world. 

I only have three more Sundays with my 12 year olds and before I know it, I'll be dancing at their weddings and another boat load of years will fly by.  We finished decorating for Christmas and I'm finally ready.  T leaned over to me today and whispered he wants our family to write letters to the soldiers in Iraq for Christmas. We have been so blessed and hard times are scratching at our windows, trying to get in and so this season that we have been blessed so much, we want to do things that remind our family what's really important. I can't wait.

Happy Sunday.

Day 44

Ok, between my "dirt" herbs I drink in glass jars and the myriad of vitamins and minerals I take every day, I rarely get sick.  Knock on proverbial wood.


I am freakin' sick.  Writing, what's that?  My voice is GONE.  I have been squeaking all day, trying to sound loud and I sound like a fluffy mouse.  My family must be rejoicing. :)

I don't have time to be sick...ughh...

Day 43

T asked me the other day who dies at the end of the story.  He told me to tell him the ending and I told him no.  He has to read the whole thing to get the ending.  I guess he thought he could get a pass cuz he's my husband and all.  Yah, he probably gets a pass.  I also know he will read the whole thing and I appreciate that.  He has always been so supportive of my writing.  He's not afraid to tell me when something doesn't work.

I am trying to revise a chapter in the psycho stalker's POV.  It's slow going.  This editing thing is tough.  OK, so I've met my goal in finishing NaNoWriMo and now all the revisions are a chore.  I need to finish this, but I'm already thinking of another project.

On Good Reads, I saw a book I want to read about a man who was down on his luck, so he wrote a thank you note to someone every day for a year.  Have you noticed I'm all about doing something everyday for a year around here?  I would love to write a thank you note everyday for a year.  Maybe in 2011.  What a cool project.  That is 365 people to thank and I love that.

Day 42

Have you ever showed up to a Drs. appt a week early?  That's how the day started.  The good news is I'm all caught up on all the episodes of Parenthood now.  Love that show. 

Truth be told, I edited very little of my story today.  My Pilates trainer kicked my butt and thanks to mom for watching C.  It was nice to rest up and I'm starting to kick this cold to the curb I think.

Thursdays are temple, Pilates, and PT and are always my favorite day of the week.

I'm off to spend some time with the hubs.  I'll write more tomorrow.

Day 41

Just some editing today of the first two chapters.  Spent most of the day playing catch up on cleaning the house and laundry.  Almost done Christmas shopping.

Day 40

50,038 words.  40 days.  Writing a novel isn't glamorous.  Let me just tell you now.  My house is a wreck, I haven't showered today, I'm sick and should be in bed, but I did this.  I know how my story ends, I know what Carolyn's motivations are and writing a novel is HARD!!
J and A my hat is off to you both for all you have accomplished.  I wish I could tell you it was all magic and light and truly a lot of it is, especially when the characters start writing the story for you, but a lot of it is just hard and if you are a perfectionist like me than the number of words mean infinitely less than the power of those words.

As this is my writing journey for a year, this isn't the end and I even have about 12,000 more words to go to really beef this story up, but I reached my NaNoWriMo goal and it feels fine.

It feels more than fine.  Now I'm off to take a nap and shake this cold.

Day 39

708 words.  Tomorrow is the day I have to have 50,000 words.  It's late.  I spent the evening watching Remains of the Day with C and J.  Sad movie, tragic really.  Is duty more important than love?

No.  It also reminded me that sometimes lost moments can never be recaptured and some consequences are not able to rectified in this life.  Sad movie.  Beautifully filmed and acted though.  Midnight is here and I'm about to turn into a pumpkin.  C, if you have any lovely words of the remains of my day being eaten away, please dazzle in the comments.

Good night.

Day 38

I just wrote a paragraph in my journal today.  I loved watching the snow fall today and reading The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan.  It was just a magical day with the family.
C is gearing up for the Geography Bee tomorrow.  If you could see all the questions and how hard they are.  I don't know most of the answers, but he flew through the study guide like he was blinking his eyes.
Little C is still sick.  I worry this winter we will be living in a little bubble shielding her respiratory system from the world.
T is wearing the shirt he wore when he was KISS and I like it. I promised a picture.

Day 37

747 words.  I just received the loveliest handwritten anonymous letter on my door. It was from one of the young women from the ward telling me how much she loves me.  It totally made my whole month!!  I love the youth!

This weekend has been one of my favorites this year.  I consistently forgot what day it was (which is normal actually), but in this case it was just because we hung out as a family and we weren't running around like chickens.  I love Thanksgiving.  It's one of my favorite holidays and one I think that gets overlooked by the world.

I will use this Thanksgiving season to let you guys know how much it means to me that you're actually reading this blog.  I love you all!  Thanks for coming here and cheering me on.  After 37 days it sometimes is really hard to take a few minutes to write, but I know that I have really awesome support and cheerleaders out there.  Thank you!!

Day 36

46,899 words in all so far.  I think I'm going to make my goal of 50,000 by Tuesday.

That's all.

Day 35

1,446 words.  I am 44,039 so far and the goal is 50,000 by Tuesday.  If I just write a little over 1,000 words a day by then I will reach my goal.

Had a wonderful Thanksgiving with parents and siblings.  My parents are starting to downsize.  It is just the two of them rattling around in an immense red barn house nestled in horse property.  My dad no longer owns horses, but still boards them for his friends.  It used to be a huge part of his life, but he fell off one of the horse a few years back and really hurt himself.  I am reminded that my parents are getting older.  I love them very much.  My father is a cowboy poet.  He is where any writing talent I have comes from, though I think my dramatic mother is more the writer than she thinks.  She is an avid journal writer and I think if she let herself she could weave a mighty story.

Anyway, they are splitting items up between the four siblings.  I brought home a small vase that had belonged to my father's mother.  I don't know what I will do with it, other than I remember she kept her pencils in it to do her crossword puzzles.  We would do them together.  I could never let it go to the D.I.  It was as powerful as if she was in the room, when I touched it.  I had to keep it.  I think I will give it to C, to keep his pens in on his own desk when he does his homework.  Funny how simple objects remind us so powerfully of people we have loved so deeply.

I miss her.  

Day 34

57 words.  Do you know why?  I sat up late into the night reading the book Olive Kitteridge.  I can't fault the writing.  It is tight.  It is good.

The literary world has fallen over themselves rewarding it with the highest honor, the Pulitzer.

 I am writing now purely on emotions and it is very late, but these are my thoughts.  This book was Godless, soulless, without beauty or moral and everyone in it was not just flawed, they all killed themselves or wanted to kill others or beat others or cheated on others and the whole time it was written as if that was completely normal and it must be because of the former President who the author obviously detests.

The main character was Jezebel herself and yet we are supposed to hold her up as some model because sometimes she slips and accidentally says something profound after beating her child and treating her husband like dog doo.


Really?  I can't stop thinking about the ONE and only writer's conference I went too.  They didn't want anything pure or lovely.  They only wanted edgy.  They took themselves seriously.  They had nothing to do with God.  I don't want to be a "serious" author if that's how that world is.

After I got my Bachelor's Degree in English, I ultimately wanted to get my Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing.   I have changed my mind.  Yes, I would be taken more seriously, but it is obvious I would have to compromise who and what I am in order to do it.

I'll pass, thanks.

Day 33

85 words today.  I picked up a pen and a notebook and tonight I'm hashing out all of the character's secrets.  I have to make sure I know what the point of this story is.  I know, I know I should have already had all that worked out, but my style is one word at a time.  In this case though I need all the help I can get.  We will see if this works.  I only have until next Tuesday to write around 7,200 words in order to reach 50,000 by the National Novel Writing Month deadline. 

Tonight I am huddling together with the fam watching the BLIZZARD.  That and watching Barbie Fashion Fairytale for the upteenth time.  Is it wrong to admit that I like the movie...music, fashion, "Hey C, let's watch it again!"

Day 32

1147 words.  All Caroline.  Writing early today, so I can go to bed early tonight.  That's all I've got today.

Day 31

The only words I am writing today are the words on this blog.  Tender mercy:  the change in pressure isn't causing me pain.  I'm stoked...I'm also grumpy.  Sorry, T.

Day 30

947 words.

I am at a loss.  I am just writing words to write them.  T says I need to sit down and interview Caroline.  She is strong, she does what needs to be done, and her scenes are dull.  I wouldn't even use her POV, but I think if I can figure it out it will be pivotal to the story.

A says I'm just afraid to write the ending and what happens to Q and she's probably right.  Sorry, I'm not meaning to whine and say poor me.  I know I've already written about being afraid to fail at this.  I used to write when days were dark and I had no voice, no outlet.  I used to write because the words on the page were addressed to the only friend I had, my Savior.

I was 16 and I had to leave a place I loved.  I had to leave someone I had finally found again, me.  I fit, I was somebody.  And I entered a world where I was nobody, where I had to be someone I wasn't to fit in and I couldn't do it.  I was living someone else's life and there was nothing I could do about it.

I cried everyday until the tears were long gone and then I just did what I was supposed to.  I got up, I walked to the bus, I went to school, I came home, I haunted the mailbox living for letters, and I went to bed.  I didn't eat.  I don't remember smiling.  My mother gave permission for me to live with a family in CA I had babysat for.  I fled and I didn't look back.  I went back to where I had started even knowing that it wasn't God's will for my life.  It didn't take long for me to realize that things weren't the same.  Things could never be the same.  And as much as I fought to admit it, I wasn't the same.  My friends hadn't changed, their circumstances hadn't changed, but I had.  Tragedy had marked me, my sorrow and my journey in accepting and overcoming made me different from the crowd.

I remember the night I knew I had to go home to my family.  Pride choked me and I couldn't call my parents.  I called the only person I could think of, my Grandma.  I told her I needed help.  I was all alone and I needed to go home.  Within days I was on the plane.  My parents greeted me at the airport.  We didn't speak much on the way home.  My siblings were waiting for me at home.  We were little more than strangers at that time, since my world hadn't been inside the walls of my own home for quite a while.

I remember that same night getting on my knees.  I told the Lord that I was sorry and I would do His will.  I would change my attitude and do the best I could with all that I had.  That's when I wrote.  I filled notebooks; triumphs, sorrows, prayers, longings, gratitude.  My heart changed, my life changed.  There were angel friends almost immediately.  I begin to fit even though I was a somewhat bent puzzle piece, the other pieces moved around until I worked my way in and found my place.  I wrote to live, I wrote to breathe, I wrote to give thanks.

I want my writing to make a difference.  I want my writing to help someone, touch someone, teach someone.
But I don't want to fail on the thing that saved me, turned my life around.  I feel like if I fail at this, I somehow won't fit. 

 I tell this story because it has every thing to do with the novel I am writing.  I gave this part of my life wings and let it fly away a long time ago, but that's the beauty of writing, you can weave the story in your heart and give it life and learn from it.

Day 29

Tomorrow marks one month that I've been doing this!  Word count tonight 1,029.  I'm writing a new scene.  It takes place in this amazing park I used to go to when I was a tween.  I haven't been there since 8th grade.

I need to take a trip before all this is done.  I need to go back to this town and see it, smell it, breathe it in.  I need to do this to really give it authenticity.  I can see so much of it in my memory, but just the electricity of experiencing it again will impact this story.  I have no idea if and when this would  be possible, but I need to do it.

Went vintage shopping today.  I am giddy.  The deals were incredible and the clothes...aww yah.  Slowly, I am going to replace all the stuff in my closet with pieces like this.  I'm still on a journey to go to that one downtown with the mean guy and his cat.  That's my next adventure.

Day 28

22 words and tons of revising.  Do you know what those 22 words mean?  They mean I am stalling.  I am putting chapters together, bundling up all my scenes and yet the inevitable writing of an ending that had better be pretty cool and all make sense is looming like JAWS outside my literary boat.

I have no idea what is going to happen.  J reminded me tonight that it has always worked out for me with the short stories, but ending a novel?  Ugh...

It's Carolyn's part.  The part that is blocked and that's the key.  I know it. 

How long can I put this off?  I still need to write 22,000 words and they aren't all the ending.  I had better get going.

Day 27

Tons of revising today.  Total word count: 39,385.  Either all of my scenes need to be longer, or I need a lot more scenes.  The humdrum is hard for me to write.  I can do the chilling scenes, the scenes that snap, crackle and pop, but oh the mundane.  That is by far the toughest part for me.

After Enrichment stayed up until almost 1 AM chatting with M.  Missed that, it was nice, though I was tired this morning.  R and L you both did a fantastic job with your presentations by the way.   I hope you like the camp story, T.  Trying to be more comfortable sharing all of my writing.

I want to thank ALL of you for being so supportive of this venture.  I feel so blessed.  Thank you. 

Here's to a good night's sleep.  Thursday is my busiest day of the week and tomorrow is no exception. :)

PS-I thank you, C, for the John Doe epiphany.  I'm running with it.

Day 26

Only 227 words today on the novel.  262 words on something else I'm working on.  I am supposed to give a small presentation tonight at Enrichment Night and so admittedly most of my thoughts are on that today.    I've been getting to bed too late, so somehow I need to manage my time better.  All I do is dream of naps during the day and it used to be that I napped when my daughter did, but now she's having quiet time and I'm writing just to get it all done.  I used to sleep in on Saturdays a little bit, but now I do my file job for about three hours on Sat. mornings to try and offset some of the Pilates' costs.  I like doing it when it's quiet at the office.  I can get more done and have the place to myself. 

Day 25

997 words.  I think I could write more, but the 5 DOZEN cookies I'm supposed to bake for a school party for tomorrow are screaming my name.   I slept today.  I mean practically the whole day.  Who does that?  It's like I work and play so hard all weekend that I need Monday to rest up.  When I woke up, my poor little daughter had eaten an entire box of Wheat Thins in protest.
Have I mentioned she is blending one vowel families?  Oz, ib et, am, ut, and the like.  I have a future wordsmith on my hands...ok a second one. :) 

The ending of my story is still a complete mystery.  The mom walks through her daughter's door and...that's all I got.  What is she going to find?  I can do this...I can do this...

Day 24

Wrote more on my Grandmother piece.  Had a great talk with my friend T and her hubby made us a mean rouge vit d'etemps. (who knows on that spelling?)  It essentially mean pumpkin soup in francais.  Delish.  We talked about some of our favorite authors and how they were able to write what they've written.  I felt a little overwhelmed.  We talked about Suzanne Collins having a dream and it influencing her writing Hunger Games and that she can write as opposed to that other dreamer Stephanie Meyers.  Maybe the key is I need to dream more...

Day 23

True story.  I just went to our garage door silently telling myself that a creature wasn't going to pop out at me after seeing the single worst movie in history.  As I laughed at myself for being jittery, the said door burst open and I screamed bloody murder.   It was just T who had forgotten the grocery list for his weekly Sat. night grocery shopping.  We just got back from seeing the movie Skyline with our super cool buds J and B.

Seriously, it is the worst movie I have seen since...ever really.  I'm afraid it's affecting my writing tonight.  My brain literally feels softer.  Dude, I need to watch Gone With the Wind or Little Women or Anne of Green Gables or read them since they are also among my fave books.  Something beautiful again.

Only 179 words on my story, but another 680 on a piece I'm writing about the Grandmother I adore and miss terribly. 

I miss her every day of my life. I carry a piece of her with me I think. I can feel her with me, she's not far off.

Day 22

16 words, only two sentences.  I overdid it yesterday and am now way tired.  Don't worry, I haven't lost the will to do this, I just am running a little faster than I have strength.  Will catch an early night's sleep and back to the grindstone tomorrow.

Day 21

Only 39 words and down to the wire too.  Today included Physical Therapy, an hour of Pilates with my trainer, a little while filing at work, spending time with my daughter, the temple, writing group, and hanging out with C.  It is only a few minutes until this day is officially over. To be honest, I was lucky to get those 39 words on paper.  Oh, and I could count the words in the poem I wrote for our writer's prompt, but I won't.

I watched the movie Julie/Julia last night and it reminded me again that her cooking every day for a year is what prompted me to write every day for a year.  I first wanted to name this blog A Novel Idea or The Novel Idea, but both those sites were taken.  As I looked them up, both of them have never had anything done with them and I thought what a waste.  I don't want This Novel Idea to have the same fate and I am determined that it won't. 

Good Night.

Day 20

Only 45 words today.  My dear friend C brought me a writer's magazine from the library and it inspired me to put all my scenes in order and focus on my HCMs or Heart Clutching Moments and put them in order.  Trust me, in this story there are a lot of those.  I finally feel that by doing this, I have a lot more control over my story and that's it not 125 pages worth of scenes all hodgepodged together.

Day 19

697 words.  This feels like exercising.  Isn't it thirty days until something becomes a habit?  I barely blog on my other blog and doing this daily is tough.  I feel like anything I write on this blog is super boring. 

Wrote again today.  This many words.  Blah, blah, blah.  But then I guess I am doing this to stay motivated, to stay focused on the end goal which is to finish a novel, learn how to write, achieve something I felt prompted to do.  Still, every day blogging from the random thoughts of my own brain?  Yawn fest.

I wish I had some great words of wisdom.  So I will say this.  I have found in making my goals and the ones I have stuck to: diet 2 years on Thanksgiving, temple over a year, Pilates 4 1/2 months, and writing 19 days is just a choice.  I plow my way through.  It isn't always pretty or polished, but I just keep picking one foot up and then the other. 

Wish I could do that with everything in my life.  I am trying.


The End

Day 18

946 words today.  38,649 thus far.

I think the editing process is what's going to be hard for me.  I've got a great scene and then I will write what I think is another great scene and then I realize that there are some redundancies.  The writing is fun, the editing seems like a chore.  But I know both are vital.  Luckily, I have friends who are brilliant editors...hint...hint...

I'm tired.  I've run around today.  On a good note, I've found brown boots.  My world is right.  I am having a hard time holding my neck on top of my head.  That is a sure indication that I am way over tired.  

Day 17

59 written words, but bore my testimony of the Savior in Sacrament Meeting.  I spoke my words today. :)  Happy Sabbath.  Back to the grindstone tomorrow.

Day 16

Word count: 2,220

I wrote a scene and ten pages just poured out of me.  A long scene.  Having said that, I am extremely worried.  What if I crash and burn?  I have no idea what I'm doing.  This is a huge undertaking.  What if I finish it and it's awful?  I'm such a novice.  The characters come to life for me, but all my flaws as a writer haunt me as I try to pull this all together.

Day 15

2,408 words today.

Oh, and the story took an unexpected turn.  Gotta like that.  I pretty much have the arc of the story, just working on the climatic scene and the ending.  Other than that, just need to elongate some of my scenes.  There are a couple more scenes that I need to write, but the scene today just wrote itself. 

Day 14

Word count: 1880

Want to keep going, but too tired.  102 pages down.  I'm worried.  The first pages are great, the characters are sharp and now they seem different.  It's like doing a paint treatment in a room and stopping one day and starting the next day.  There's going to be an uneven line or at least you are going to see where you ended off and then where you started again.  I learned at my writing conference to leave bread crumbs so I remembered what I had been writing the day before, but my characters seem so different to me now than they did at the beginning.

I write scene by scene but not necessarily in order.  Editing this is going to be tough.  I don't know what I'm doing.   The bad guy in this story is so multifaceted.  He is capable of great evil, but I am not convinced he's evil.  I know that sounds strange.  I hope the ending surprises me like in my short stories.

Day 13

Word Count: 1,120 plus tons of revising.


I have 31,195 words.  My goal is 62,000 so I am a tiny bit over half of my goal.  I can't wait to keep writing, but I need to do Pilates and go to bed.  It's a good thing when I don't want to stop writing, right?  I've got to pace myself.  I only allow myself to write after the kids go to bed.  

Day 12

Word count: 2,100

I'm in scary territory.  I have no idea what's going to happen.  I am 93 pages in and I am writing the scene, the one in which the action, the suspense all culminates and I'm not sure how it's going to end.  One word at a time, yikes.  The motivation of one of the character's is obvious to me now and another character is still a mystery.  I haven't felt this excited about writing since I was a finalist for the ghost story.  In that one I could hear the voices of my characters.  I don't with this story and it makes it harder. 

Day 11

Word count: 3,898

I received a beautiful email from my lovely friend A this morning.  Through her profound and tender words, I was reminded of something that I already knew, instinctively as part of my own soul.  That in this quest of writing everyday of the year that the Sabbath day will be something different, something sacred.  That I will still set aside time for writing, but it will be of a nature in which I am writing of Christ, that I am writing of my testimony.  She reminded me of the opportunities of writing an article for a church magazine or in my journal.  I know that I will have to put forth that much more effort the other six days, but I was reminded of something else too, that I know that Lord will bless me in my efforts.  I remembered that I can pray each day before I sit down to write that He will help my words get from my heart to the page and that He will lead me in this journey.  I also realized that it’s not about the end result, ie, getting published, but about what this exercise will do in making me a writer.

As a thank you for being a part of the road show, the sweet YM/YW gave us a Doctrine and Covenants series of maps, charts, quotes, and movies including the new Joseph Smith movie that is still at the JS memorial building.  I liken what JS said as they were building the Kirtland temple. “We are not just building a temple for the Lord.  The Lord is also building us.”  This experience will build me, regardless of what happens if I let it, if I let Him be a part of it.

Have 89 pages so far of this novel.  Total word count 25,967.  Final goal around 62,000 so over a third of the way there.

Day 10

Word count: 1,782.

Tomorrow I begin National Novel Writing Month.  The goal is 50,000 words for the month.  I have finished a grand total of 23,709 words thus far which means I am almost halfway to my goal going in.  50,000 is around 175 pages total and I have a feeling this story is more like 200 to 250 pages which would be around 62,000 words or so.  I have around 35-40,000 more words to go.

It's hard not to edit as I go since I'm a perfectionist.  No not with grammar, but I like my words to have punch, I like my prose to be poetic.  In fact, my writing group laughed at my last submission as they said some of it sounded like it was in iambic pentameter.  I'm a short story gal, so elongating scenes and writing boring "detail" are hard for me.  I like action and things to be happening all the time, so this has been a real challenge for me.  I also write my stories one line at a time and I am afraid I will reach a point where I don't know what happens.  The payoff to writing one line at a time though is that things do stay fresh and exciting for me since my characters constantly surprise me. 

Day 9

Why is it when I write something in the moment it seems like drivel, but then I go back and read it later and it's pretty good?  I wonder how much of my writing I've thrown away because I think it's not good enough and that now I should regret getting rid of.  I can think of a few journals.  I burned one of my journals as a teenager.  No, that was probably some writing that was better as ash.  I wouldn't know though.  I can't remember.  Maybe it was really profound. 

314 words tonight.  

Day 8

Word count: 544


I tend to see things in very black and white terms.  If I decide to do something, my will is pretty strong.  I remember when I first changed my eating habits, I never wondered if or when I would go back.  Something in my mind had already decided I just was done doing what I had been doing, eating the crap I had been eating.  Going to the temple every week, same thing.  In that case I desperately needed the blessings.  That was my motivation for stepping inside that first week.  I realized the other day the profound blessings that have come into my life by being there.

Like this blog, there are people there who keep me honest, hold me accountable for showing up.  I have built relationships there with people who work within those walls, that I hold very dear to my heart.  I had to miss when my daughter was hospitalized and they were so worried when I didn't come.  They knew something awful must have happened since I am always there.  
I wish I could say it worked for everything in my life.  Today I had a little melt down.  My body is doing better and I sometimes don't take the time to rest that I used to.  In fact, I can't remember the last time I took a nap.  Maybe last week?  Those of you who know me well, know I ALWAYS take and need a nap.  I think it's caught up with me.  My body kind of gave out and I knew I needed to lie down.  I was upset and I lost my temper...again.

I fail again and again.  I wake up every day determined to do my best and some days I do well and some days I struggle.

In tears, I asked why, why can't I conquer my anger like some of the other goals I've laid out for myself?  The answer came through my ever patient help meet who reminded me that that is what the atonement is for.  That those things that I will never be able to achieve just by my "strong will" fall under the benevolent grace of my Master.  I need to need Him.  I need to claim the gift He gives me.  It doesn't matter how many days or weeks or months or years in a row I do anything...I need Him in everything I do.  So I'm doing the same thing in my goal to write here.  It doesn't occur to me to skip a day, but that's not because I'm trying to be perfect on my own.  I'm just trying to strengthen my character, work out the talents I've been given and get ready to humble myself and apply the atonement in my life because I have need of it. 

So I keep trying.  That's all I can do and I may not have 8 days or let's face it 8 hours under my belt of not getting frustrated or upset, but I will give Him something to work with.  I remember in high school pottery I just wanted to make a cute little pinch pot, but all I ever could mold out of my clay was this cumbersome misshapen cauldron.  I'm a cauldron now, but enough times getting re-thrown on that wheel and enough times in that kiln and at the end of eternity and a day I may just become that dang cute little pinch pot I want to become.

Day 7

Okay, today I couldn't make myself write.  I even had the thought, what was I thinking???  I am making a homemade Revolutionary war soldier costume, a pink bird costume, and my husband's group at work is dressing up as members of KISS.  Oh yes, they are.  There is something inherently wrong about painting your hubby's fingernails black and styling his wig.  He looks pretty rad.  I think pictures are a must.

Word count: measly 210.  I admit my heart wasn't in it today.  

Day 6

Only 100 words today.  It's amazing to me that 100 words are equivalent to a short paragraph.  It goes so fast.  Don't have a lot of time.  I'm going to a witchy party with my friend A and had an eventful day, so here I sit writing now.  I've got to go do something about my hair, though witches usually have rat nests for hair, right?

Day 5

Word count today: 1,349.  It's coming easier now, now that I have nothing to lose.  I used to think I related to the character of the mother in this story the most.  I find that I don't.  I relate well to the teenage girl.  In fact, the words are just flowing from her POV.  It was when I was in the mom's head that I stumbled.  

I am into a rhythm now.  I get the kids to bed at 8 and write until 9, sometimes less than that.  Then I do my Pilates for an hour and try to get to bed. 

The great thing about this is that my hubby has been writing more too.  My son has told me he needs to write out a story he has in his head.  And my baby girl, she just rhymes every word she can...a poet in the making.

Day 4

My favorite thing about this project?  My sis n' law just texts me.  "Where's Day 4?  Hubby gets home late.  "How's Day 4 going?"  There's something right in the world about that. 

Pandora is my best friend during this process.  I seem to do better with music in the background.  My ghost story was Dashboard Confessional, my Wedlock piece was actually written without music.  Hmm....I wonder why that was?  I remember being afraid when I wrote that piece just because I had no idea what was going to happen and it was a creepy premise.  With this novel, I still prefer alternative:  Death Cab for Cutie, Something Corporate, Jack's Mannequin, though I like to go more classical for the voice of the mom.  Well, that was random.


 Word count: 1,273.  Aw ya.

Day 3

Today at church my dear friend L came up to me.  She had thought about me all night after our ward WON our roadshow.  She said the timing of me being asked to cowrite the script in conjuction with feeling prompted to seize the day and write every day was a tender mercy.  A benevolent Father whispering in my ear to share the words in my heart.  I'm so grateful to her, for her words.  I had felt the same way, but didn't know how to express it. 

The trophy was huge and I jumped up and down like a mad woman, but I would do it again and again.  This brought our ward together, our youth together and they were SO great!  I had the time of my life.   I hope we can do it every year.

Word count today: 711

Day 2

Only 128 words today, one real paragraph.  How does a mommy do this?  Spent the morning doing dress rehearsals for the road show written by the lovely Miss M and yours truly.  Been given a huge role in seeing the script of ours come to life.  The two leads didn't show and I filled in as "Ma Bell."  Afraid I may have to fill one of the roles tonight for the actual performances, but thinking positively.   The kids rock!  They are doing so well with their parts.  Don't know what we'd do without all the support of the YW/YM leaders.

House needs an overhaul, the dishes are overflowing, daughter just got out of her pajamas at almost 3 PM and I have two hours before I have to meet at the church to get ready for tonight's performances.  The title is 'Dickens Unplugged' and have had a blast being a part of this whole thing.


Over and out.

Day 1

I am a writer.  I have nothing to show for this claim.  No published works, not even the best command of the English language.  My grammar is abysmal.

Today I made a decision.  I am no longer going to not write.  I have friends going to New York and I long to go too, but I can't afford to go.  I have things I want to accomplish.  The only reason I have not had success is that I haven't put forth the time and effort.  There are stories inside me.  I  have a lifetime of experience, good and bad to draw from and nobody will tell it exactly like I will.

I realize the concept of doing something for a year is not new.  I've seen Julie/Julia and different blogs that have different subjects for a year.  I only do this to hold my own feet to the fire.  I have accomplished a lot in my life.  Made a lot of changes to better myself.  I can not sit by and let my talents go by the wayside.  I also realize that no one will probably read this except me, but starting today, October 22nd, 2010 I will begin my writing life.

I have signed up for National Novel Writing Month in November. http://www.nanowrimo.org/ and I intend to submit my word count every day.   I will either be adapting my short story into a novel or finishing the novel I've started.

Ciao.