Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Day 237

It's cold down where we have our computer now.  T's office is in the basement just until he finds a job and I shiver as I write this.  I received an ultimatum from my work yesterday:  40 hours a week or no job.  To the world it makes no sense.  T doesn't have a job.  I have an opportunity for full time and I'm not going to take it because I'm not going to leave my kids.  So, no more unlimited free classes or discounted PT stuff.  I know it will be ok.  I am telling myself that another opportunity will open or a way to keep healing will present itself. 

I still work for the doctor.  Maybe I could get more hours with her to now pay for all the PT I still need.  It was a blow.  I felt like I was fired.  Maybe I was.  I've never been fired before.  Maybe this is so I will know how T feels.  Today I just huddled on the couch.  I made like 17 hair bows for little C.  I put on movies and gathered myself together.  Tomorrow I will do what needs to be done and the next day, but nothing is in my control anymore.   Except my will.  See, now I write this and intellectually agree, and yet my body is in knots.  I can feel my shoulders hunch like they do when I am stressed.  I'm having trouble sleeping.  It's funny.  I feel so blessed and I feel the storm all at the same time.  I guess it's just like Paul says:  I know how to abound and how to be abased.  I know how to be filled and to suffer need all at the same time.  Trust me when I tell you, that this scripture has taken on new meaning for me.  No matter the blessings, no matter the opportunities to see miracle, the trial must be there to continue the growth.  There is no joy without adversity.  Always when I wish this would end, I think and then what?  Can I finally be happy when T gets a job?  When I publish something?  When my son has no problems?  What then?  When there is nothing to strive for, what then?  It cannot be.  There must be opposition in all things.  Ouch, though.  

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Day 236

I was so grateful for that extra hour of sleep last night.  I am always amazed how there are enough hours in the day.  I have had people's names come into my mind.  Today I just went to see only two.  In the past, I felt like I sometimes have to have something in hand to knock on someone's door.  I don't know exactly what to say and maybe its just about listening.  I know the words will come.  It is a humbling experience.  I find I can't not go.  I know who to see next and then after that.  I also know I have to pace myself.  I was gone three hours today after church and I still have so many others I need to see, but I don't have to go all at once. 

Work is going well at both places, but I am not a receptionist.  It's not my strong suit and I've felt frustrated with myself at little mistakes.  Some people have asked me how I deal with working for the Dr. I work for at my second job.  She is a well known and respected (rightfully so) psychologist.  She is also a hoarder.  It has been an eyeopening experience for me to see how inanimate objects if left unchecked can suck the energy out of the human soul.  I tell people that she needs me.  I don't know if she needs me, but she says she feels calm when I am there and that she seems to feel more clear headed.  She has confided in me that she knows how to understand the complexities of the human brain in her patients and make some life altering decisions, yet she is at a loss dealing with the tiny tasks such as how to deal with the things that have literally eclipsed her life with their trite tentacles.  She cannot throw things away.  She cannot let them go.  They have a choke hold on her, they fill the voids that she doesn't know what to fill with.  I have decided that I will be there for her until she passes away or I do.  It's not about the great money.  Maybe it was at first.  But now there is an opportunity for hearts to communicate without even saying a word.  It's less about what to let go of and more about how to fill up with light, peace, love.  

I know I write infrequently and when I do, I seem to be airing out my testimony, but its where I'm at.  How can I not shout from the rooftops the love I have for my Savior, the mercy He has on me, and how he sustains me and my loved ones for yet another day?