Monday, August 29, 2011

Day 224

I read through all 178 pages of my novel.  I wrote a new scene and cleaned some things up.  I know my weak spots and where I need to focus.  I worked for about four hours this evening on it.  I set a goal with my writing group friends to be done by Sept. 15th and while part of me thinks that was a crazy thing to do, the other part knows I need my feet held to the fire.  I am so close.  I just need to finish it and send it out to others to read it and help me with it.

I'm pretty tired, but writing all this time felt good tonight.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Day 223

aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  I don't feel good.  I almost fainted today and I can't figure out if I'm coming down with something or if I'm just stressed.  I think it's the latter.  I honestly think I'm a wimp now that T's gone all night every night.  I am so worried about him and before I could just focus on all the stuff I had to do and just trust that he would be alright.  Now I worry that he is up all night and not sleeping much or well during the day and its throwing everything all off.  Where did the summer go?  Where were all the fun little idylic field trips I was supposed to take the kids on?  I don't understand.  I hate not knowing.  I hate limbo.  I am in a life 'waiting room' on the one hand and charging full steam ahead on the other hand.  Can I tell you how many times this week my 10 year old has babysat during late hours of the night?  Every night this week, T leaves before I get home.  I find my boy's bedroom light on reading his nightly vigil away.  He doesn't complain and is a champ.  He is perfectly capable of doing it, but my heart is always home praying that my babies are okay. 

Where is the calm, zen fire woman?  She has left the building and listening to Angels and Airwaves full blast as I write this.  Now is the time for me to work on my novel.  Today little C told me there were kidnappers in the green belt.  What the?  Then C asks me why people would kidnap children and if they just want the ransoms.  I just hugged him and told him that maybe sometimes that happens, but that people just aren't very nice sometimes.  I just left it at that.  I want to always just leave it at that.  They are getting older and I'm not ready. 

I've gotten to the point where if people ask me what they can do, I just tell them.  My darling sis'n'law asked what her and my brother can do and without even having to think I told her.  I want to get away.  My 15 year anniversary came and went without not only fanfare, I don't think even a piccalo played.  I want to go away for a couple of days and remember T and I innocent, in a world where kidnappers only care about ransoms. 

Where is T?  Where is he under all of it?  How is he really doing?  I don't know.  I do know he feels like everyone and their dog thinks he's a loser.  How do I help him with that?  I can tell him it's all ok, but he can tell if I'm not completely feeling it. I tell you without the Lord I would be in the fetal position.  Because I sure as heck (I'm being a good girl here) can't make it all ok for him, C and little C.  I know my love and support are vital, but sometimes it just doesn't seem like it's enough.

Mostly I'm just disappointed in myself that I can't do it all.  I worry that I'm not a good enough wife, mother, friend, counselor, human being.  Talk about providing self esteem.  Don't worry.  I've got it.  I just want to be more, rise above, be better, learn and apply. and I know I'm taking baby steps, but sometimes it's hard until I've looked behind me.  T is a stud.  No one even uses that word any more, but the fact that he hasn't hung his head and run across the border floats my boat.   Anyone else looking forward to when "George" moves on and I come back to my senses?  Peace. Out.

PS-    K, you amaze me.  I know I have no reason to complain in lieu of your trials right now.  I love you and your faith is inspirational to me.  Hugs and prayers to you and N.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Day 222

When I was growing up, my mom used to call our monthly friend, "George."  That was until a new family moved in next door and the man's name was actually George.  And she would curse "George" up and down so that had to stop.  I think it then became "Pete," but I digress.   "George" is currently with me and I have been weeping or weepy all day.  Thanks C for listening to me snivel and bemoan my hormonally skewered fate. 

T didn't get the job we thought he was getting.  He is now at a temp job and will be there until five am tomorrow morning.  I hate that.  I just do.  I'm not going to put a bow on it and wrap it up for granny.  I just hate not having him here with me overnight.  We've done this before.  Now we are doing it again.  I know, I know, that's life.  I miss him.  I miss knowing him when we aren't tense and stressed in the quagmire of little details and sometimes big ones too.  I want a sunset beach.  I want a breath with him.  We went to the temple last week and were chosen as the witness couple.  I thought that was pretty apropos because while we always go separately, we seldom go together.   It was like a little gift, a little hurrah that we were together at the right place and that it mattered.

It's so hard.  I'm sorry, I don't mean to complain.  I can't explain how we are surviving financially, but I tell you after all this time, things are just working out.  I guess my period and unemployment just aren't on speaking terms right now, because the two of them are a cocktail for emotion spillage for me.  How do you like that image?  I went to see The Help with my sister.  She is actually my brother's wife, but she is my sister.  I adore her.  Run, don't walk and see this movie.  I went through a packet of Kleenex.  Oh my gosh.  Allison Janney?  She kills me.  I was so impressed with everything really.   I would finally breathe and then someone else's performance had me again.  This was a risk for Bryce Dallas.  I love her and I don't.  She was Hilly, bless her little heart.  And Mo Mabley?  Squish your precious little girls.  Ok, maybe don't go see it when "George" comes to visit you. 

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Day 221

Does anyone feel like they don't see me anymore?  I'm sorry about that.  I can't tell you how many people tell me I look tired which is never a good thing.  I am tired.  Those new minerals I'm taking make it so that I don't crash during the day which gives me more stamina to get things done, but it also makes me wonder if I truly am getting enough rest.  I still think I am being I am being lifted and carried.  I gave my two weeks notice for the filing job.  There's just no way.  I left at 7 am last Thursday, worked at the new job until 3:30, trained until 4:30, went straight to the doctor job until 8 and then ran to file until 10:30 pm.  Certifiable, that's what it is.  And that's my temple night which is the most important thing anyway.  I went on Wednesday instead and it just wasn't quite the same.  There is NO WAY I could have done this even a few months ago.  Luckily, the filing job will end Tuesday and that will free up three hours. 

It isn't a bad thing for me to get a taste of what T experienced.  I come home and he has dinner made and things straightened up.  Sometimes he doesn't get to it and that can be overwhelming.  But I will be stuck in traffic and call him to start dinner preparation.  Today I had RS visits for two and half hours and he had my zucchini soup ready when I got home.  It's just been good for me and maybe for him too?  I can't speak for him, but I've been proud of him for keeping his spirits up.  I know it must be hell in a lot of ways.  I think he's enjoyed being with the kids.  It's been fun, surreal, scary, peaceful, everything, having all of us home all this summer.  He lost his job just as C was ending his last school year.  And now C will begin again next Monday.  Full circle.

C met his teacher Friday.  He already knows her because she was his reading teacher in second grade and she remembers him really well for getting some of the highest reading scores at the school.  He seemed happy that she will be his teacher and I PRAY that this year will be better.  Seriously.  You may find me on my knees all day every day praying for this.  Fifth grade.  He will do great.  I'm just putting it out there.  He will do great.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Day 219

The shop smells like cat.  It makes sense since a cat is the first thing I see, curled up like a vintage stole on a tattered cushion.  The proprietor of the shop is all I could have hoped for and I am immediately on my best behavior.  He is twitchy and intense and a social understudy.  He acknowledges our presence by almost imperceptibly lifting his eyes above his thick black frames.  His spirit licks the walls covered with Sinatra, Elvis, Judy album covers.  The collection of Derby hats belies a collection since childhood and the men's section is what adorns our attention as soon as we enter.

T grabs a Fedora and the felt spoons his ears.  I shake my head and leave him to his own fate.  I enter into another room and gasp.  I admit it.  Dresses arrayed by era, feathers, sequins, mothballs, it's all here.  The fabric is heavy and though I don't see the owner his angry eyes seem to be reflected like a disco ball in the center of the space.  I want to pick garments up to try them on, but almost reverently I just need to pay homage to my surroundings.  Orange is on full display and I am attracted to it as it leads me near with peachy pheromones. 

I stop at the woman's hats.  Oh, collapsed lungs.  The netting, the flowers, the bead work.  I cannot fail to miss the well placed sign with it's not so tongue in cheek mantra:  DON'T PLAY IN THE DAMN HATS.    Duly noted.  I am obsessed with excavating good feeling among people who frighten me.  I see the man stalking the racks subtly following my trail.  I say, "Excuse me, but I am looking for a dress from the forties and I am not exactly sure what I'm looking for."  He looks annoyed and tells me he will help me later and we both know that now he will stop following me, though I would have rather he answered my question. 

There is a $5 rack.  An orange brocade suit nudges my will power, but really when will I wear orange brocade?  It is heavy on the hanger, heavy on my frame I'm sure.  A navy polka dot ensemble has me at hello and I find that I am now ready to bear fabric in my arms.  Hat sign be damned, I try some on.  Do I have a large head?  Were heads smaller then, were bodies?  I feel like a modern Attila the Hun as silk flowers perch ridiculously on my always considered normal sized noggin.  I need gloves, don't I?  I need a light blue taffeta prom dress, right?  I am on a mission now.  I need a lime green pea coat.  I need a cameo, scarves with Asian flare,  a cream blouse with more ruffles than Bobo the clown.

And now I need to try them on.  The man points toward three rickety looking dressing rooms.  There is not only no lock on mine, there is no latch.  Is this his idea of a security camera?  Ooohhh...I don't want to get on his bad side and I talk myself into the fact that T is looking at suspenders nearby and then I can't stop touching the lilac velvet chair inside the tiny room emanating a royal vintage vibe and I undress.  The fabric is well made and sometimes musty.   There are more buttons than I feel like messing with.  The ruffles now seem like a really bad idea and I am dismayed as I look into the mirror.  I am not wearing vintage well.  The sleeves come up past my wrists or the coats wrap me in their coils.  I feel stiff and uncomfortable and slightly itchy.  Something changes inside me in that unprotected room.  I had envisioned that I was part of that world, that the world was part of me.   I needed a fifties house dress and apron to clean in, a pill box hat, and white gloves to run errands.  I can't pull it off.

I am a modern girl with an old school twist.  I do not subscribe to the casualness of the world.  I wish we all wore dresses everyday.  How sick I get of jeans.  I think we need to have a fancy dress for some other place than church.  And if we were wearing white gloves would we have as much road rage?  I don't buy anything from the store and when we leave the cat is gone off his perch, but I haunted the shop I had wondered about for months and I may even go back.  It is a character.  The whole experience awakened a creativity and thirst even.  I found a pair of red square toed Mary Jane's at the DI soon after so you can't take the past from the girl.  I realize that it just isn't the fashion.  It's the quest for beauty, for femininity, for the opportunity to make a mark, a work of art on my body when I'm not working on the written page.  Color attracts me and I need it near me.  I like the classics, in literature, in education, in my wardrobe.  A simpler time, a more innocent time, and a man and his cat will follow you around the store should you too decide to go rummage through his wares.  Bring your own lock...

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Day 218

I was gone 14 hrs. today.  Say a little prayer for T, he has a 4th interview tomorrow for the same company.  I'm so tired I think I will just fall into bed.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Day 217

T just got a new calling, but will still keep his other two for the foreseeable future.  We were laughing.  I have three jobs, he has three callings.  They say good things come in threes.  My parents came by last night wondering how all this is going to work.  I told them we were in the Lord's hands and He knew what was going on.  We have been doing really well, but today we were driving each other batty.

He left for awhile just to get out of the house and then I did.  Boy, this house feels small sometimes.

I think I am going to take this new job.  I wrote up a schedule and I can work all day on Thursdays and a few hours on Saturday mornings and not be gone from the kids for too long. T will be home on Saturdays and my mom offered to watch the kids on Thursdays when T gets a job.  I will still keep my doctor job on Saturday afternoons as well.  Things may get rearranged a little, but right now this feels good.  I really think I can learn a lot. 

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Day 216

My heart is full.  I hope I can do justice to this.  I want my kids to know and maybe they will if it's in writing here.  This has become my journal in a lot of ways.  I don't often take the time to record in the book sitting next to my book, but I try to be faithful in sharing life here.

I did the wedding.  I worked with my mentor and spent the day in a meeting with him and running over town texting him back and forth.  There was no time to be timid, and he wouldn't have wanted that.  I had to be organized and bold and forthright and above else, I couldn't panic.  T gave me a blessing the night before and I had my mojo back.  It wasn't perfect.  I know this.  I was running ten minutes later than I had said for a meeting with the groom's mom, and the groom had not told us the layout of the venue and he had very specific ideas about table placement so he had to come early to iron things out.  Oh, and I forgot my cell phone on my way out the door to the reception.  On the other hand, my social anxiety melted as I dealt with people and situations I didn't think possible.  I gave all I had and at one point, the bride came over to remind me to eat dinner.  I was everyone's go to gal and I can't believe I remained calm.  Seriously, a power that was not my own.  I had a walkie talkie (yes, I did) and I used it.  If we are basing my job performance on the fun and excitement of the crowd and the money I was paid, then I have to say that it was a success on both counts.  T was an angel.  I kid you not, that he probably ran to the store eight times to grab more ice and he was everywhere helping out.   I have to say this was something I can now cross off my bucket list.  Could I do this again?   Yes.  Do I want to?  I don't think so.  I was really flattered when everyone just assumed I was professional at this.  The manager of the venue came up to me at the end and said it was one of the smoothest experiences and that we left it cleaner than she had seen in a long time.  The photographer told me that the crowd was having more fun than most of the weddings she shoots.  There was swing dancing and don't think that I was too busy to shake it on the dance floor with T.

We got home at midnight and the next morning I stumbled to Pilates, then to work for the doctor, then straight to a baby shower for a less active sister I visit teach, then I came home and kissed my babies I hadn't seen in two days and I spent time with them.  I went to a wedding reception last night and put little C down at 8.  It was then, that I finally had a moment to think on the Relief Society lesson I needed to give the next morning.  I prayed.  I knew it would be okay.  The topic of faith came into my mind and I searched out three scriptures that I felt like the Lord wanted me to share.  Then I went to bed.  I knew he would bless me.  I had done all I could physically, mentally, spiritually do.  Now the rest was up to Him.

This morning I stood and I let Him take over.  He did.  He has never failed me before and He never will.  It is only my own faith or even lack of it that can make the difference.  And now, I will rest.  Now, I will sleep. 

Now is this all I have to share?  My Physical Therapist called me in to see her.  They are looking to hire someone and they had a big meeting about it.  It was unanimous.  The PTs, trainers, and front office staff want me to come and work with them.  Now bear in mind, I haven't approached them about a job.  They know T's out of work, but they also know I'm doing several other things to bring in money.  She told me they trusted me, they liked me, felt like I would treat their clients the same way that they treated them and then she proceeded to tell me what a huge honor it was that everyone could agree on it being me.  She said that never happens.

I'm not saying this to say look at me, I'm cool.  I'm sorry if it sounds that way.  I wish I could describe that moment.  It was the afternoon before the wedding and I couldn't focus on that right now, though it meant a great deal.  I told her that I needed time, that I was so flattered, and that I would love to work with them, but that I was a mommy first and I needed to figure out if that was feasible.  She said that they would be willing to work with me at every turn, and that if I only came in 8 or 9 hours a week, that would be ok.  She said they just really wanted me there.  She told me that I would have unlimited free classes per week and a significant discount on the other providers.  She said she would pay me more because she trusts me and thought I would approach things the way that she would.

That night at the wedding, I saw all the employees.  They all came up to me.  They want me there.  My first instinct is to take it and run.  You know how much I love them.  You know how it would provide an incredible amount of missionary work as there is only one other member of the church that works there, and that I would save hundreds and hundreds of dollars just on my care by taking it.  But I know that I will sacrifice a lot and I know where my priorities lie.  In two years, it will be a no brainer.  Little C will be in first grade  I will be there.  I think I've known since I've started training that this facility would play a significant role in my life.  But T and I also agreed right off the bat that I would be home with these kiddos.  Don't worry.  I'm fasting and praying.  I know the Lord will answer me and make it all work out and that what He has planned will be what I will do. 

Wow.  What an adventure.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Day 215

My friend M came through in a giant way with some last minute wedding details.  Thank you!!  N's dad and I are having a pow wow tomorrow.  I think that his expectations and mine are very different.  I haven't been able to talk to my bride now for awhile as she hasn't gotten back to me and I had no idea until this afternoon that she had not found a DJ.  Her dad was understandably frustrated and I realize that I just can't assume anything.  T gave me a blessing because I feel like I'm going into a meeting with a big CEO tomorrow and I have to be very professional which I don't feel.  There are so many loose ends right now, but T blessed me that if I am not afraid and have faith and pray for things in the moment that I will be answered.  Will the caterer show up?  I don't know, but it will all work out and will I plan another wedding?  I think I'm good until little C's.  I can cross it off my bucket list, even though it wasn't there to begin with.  When you here from me again, I will have survived this. 

Good night.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Day 214

I had a pretty cool experience on Saturday.  I met N's father, the creator of Polestar Pilates.  He and his family came early for the wedding and he took the mat class with us.  I was able to tell him about our Miami experience and how I almost moved across the country to train with him and found his daughter in my own backyard instead.  I told him I am his unofficial cheerleader, singing his praises to anyone who will listen.  Seriously, what are the odds?  Those who remember my devastation over this, who would have thought I would be working for him now, helping his daughter, perhaps paying him back in some small way for what his hard work has done for my healing.  I was laughing as he gave me his cell phone so we could coordinate final wedding details.  I know it seems like a small deal, but all roads have led to this with my recovery and I can't believe I am here now.  It blows my mind.   What do you think?  Tender mercy?