Sunday, October 21, 2012

Day 265

Welcome to my writing blog where the majority of my writing details the status of my thyroid.  Fascinating stuff here.  Therefore, I won't bore with the details since its going to take a while to hash it all out.

Murder mystery party was huge success.  I haven't had that much fun in I don't remember how long.  Everyone got SO into it, well it was my dream come true.  One of our friends had business cards printed out with his character, one friend rented a dress, nothing was off limits, no one held back.  An every Halloween tradition?  Maybe it will have to be.  I still have all the Mardi Gras decorations up.  Why take all the chintz down?  Love that house is clean after a get together feeling.  I have enough rice to feed a small country since at the last minute I panicked over my lack of cajun culinary skills and sent T out for pizza.

This would be about the time that a little voice in my head would say "PACE YOURSELF" and I wouldn't listen and go ahead and plan that girls' weekend away that I said I would plan, but then said I wouldn't because all I wanted to do was sleep.  Now it's like I'm trying to cram all of the fun I possibly can into the window before I grow tired again.  I don't know how to stop.  My name is Firewoman and I have a problem.  NO.  I don't have to be involved in every little thing to feel like I belong.  Things can and will go on without me being there or planning them or both.  I can remain calm.  I can remain here ------ instead of _____ or ''''''''''''''''''''

So, I think I am giving up on the girls' weekend.  That can happen in 2013.  I can take a deep breath and realize that I'm not at the optimal point I need to be health wise though wouldn't this be fun if this was naturally me????  I wish it was.  That's the sad part.  I want this ball of energy to really be who I am and to cut that tired slug part of me right out and even the person somewhere in between that feels eh and oh I don't this the creative brain?  If I was a rock star or Picasso would I be crazy or burn out on drugs to keep up the creative process or the high of life?  Luckily I don't have to worry about any of that since I'm not them, but I would like to do something big and meaningful and leave my mark.

Narcissism thy name is moi.  TMI: fourth "period" in two months time.  See the vital role the thyroid plays in life?  These ramblings are coming from a place that could be on the other side of the world in two days time.  I end where I began. 

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Day 264

I read this quote I think by Monson in the talk I gave a couple of weeks ago about the Lord shaping the back on which he places a burden on.  I relate to that so well given that I have gone from hunched over to relatively straight to feeling hunched again recently by the onslaught of whatever my thyroid is secreting into my system.  Sorry for the mental picture there.

I don't know why it's getting so much worse.  I talked to my sister who is in remission from this and she said hers never got this bad.  T thinks it's just my body is different having come from a whole lot of varied medical adventures along the way and I think it's me being compelled to be humble.  He gets mad at me when I say it and I don't look at it exactly in those strong of terms so it sounds friendlier to allude to the bending the back quote.

If you look to a few posts ago I felt like we were in a time where our little family was living after the manner of happiness and the things I was doing with them and for them were so vital and now I sleepwalk through my days.  A huge theme of the RS conference was to AWAKE as women and today in 2nd Nephi I was reading the part where Lehi keeps telling his sons to AWAKE and shake off their sins and all I want to do is sleep.  Is that a theme for being alert and watchful for me perhaps when I get better and be awake then and I'm just experiencing an opposition in all things so that when I can be AWAKE I will embrace that by remembering this again? 

I'm rambling again.  I'm coming from a very tired place.  T says I need to go up and eat since my appetite is gone.  He helps me remember, but my stomach just recoils at the thought.  So now I will focus on something I wish I had taken a picture of today.  At the Draper temple (T was so mad at me for going today!)  And it probably was a mistake.  I'm paying for it.  I really wanted to be at C's last soccer game and shamefully I couldn't even get up into a seated position because I wore myself out.  But...because of 10/11/12 today there were 15 weddings and one of them had navy blue fifties style bridesmaids dresses with burnt orange sashes and they were holding burnt orange Japanese style parasols like they have in fruity drinks.  You know the ones I mean?  IN.LOVE.  Makes me want to get married all over again or at least be asked to be a bridesmaid for that bride.   If I had a "happy place" where everything was perfect, that is what everyone would be wearing for at least one day.  Except for T...he would look ridiculous with a parasol.

Good night.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Day 263

I always thought I meandered my way through Girl World pretty well.  I don't even mean my daughter's little friend world, I mean my own.  Face it, we're all still girls at heart, thus my coinage of the phrase still applies.

After much thought on the matter, I realize I gave myself too much credit.  I really don't do all that well.  Texting kills me.  I love it and I hate it.  I hate it when you have no idea what the other person means and if you're me then you have to call and figure it out rather than waste time trying to decipher the code.  Then there's the whole thing of when do you end it?  I like to end on a high note so if what i'm saying seems superfluous of blase I just cut it off at the knees.  Of course, I like to do that in real life too.  That's why small talk at some social function is akin to dental work for me.  If I don't have something fantastical to contribute, I'm a clam.  I always go to the one I feel is sitting alone because it's painful to watch and hey, I've been there.  Then I worry that others think I'm ignoring them because I'm just focused on the one and I also feel the need to greet and say farewell to everyone's comings and goings which I worry makes the one I'm talking to feel like I'm only half listening which I would be listening well if it was only the two of us to begin with, which it should be and I shouldn't have even come to the shindig.  I just want everyone to feel needed and appreciated, but one at a time is so much more doable.  I think I used to have more skill at all this, but age really takes it out of you or else gives you the wisdom to realize how ridiculous this entire soliloquy you are writing actually is!!!!!!!  Hey Firewoman, this stuff is blase, cut it out.

In other fantastical news, I found a new Endo to see.  K, you really came through for me, THANK YOU.  Another daughter's friend recommended the same one today, so I picked up the phone.  She doesn't have any openings until December 9th.  Now some of you may remember that when I first called my PT she didn't have any openings either, but that very day someone had cancelled and I was able to see her three weeks in a row which would cement her and my relationship and get me on her list indefinitely.  Today when I called, the receptionist said, "I don't ever do this because her wait list is so extensive, but I just feel like I'm supposed to..."  Someone had just called and canceled and she got me in THIS monday!!  Are you freakin' kidding me?  She is so hard to get into!  Endo's in general are relatively hard to get into.  I tell you what, I am being looked out for. 

I told T tonight that his little family is being watched out for.  We fall, but we are being cushioned big time.  My tire blows up with 4 little ones inside the car and instead of being at the school or Bangeter Highway, it's two blocks from the carpool's house.  And my parents happen to come home from their vacation early and my brother happens to be there too and get the donut on the car.  And C,bless her heart, is driving my boy here and there and everywhere (thankyou) and though the car sounds like all the other tires are about to go as well, I find that I don't have anywhere I have to be these couple of days until T gets back.  What the?   I tell you I live just a little life, but He is so mindful of this little life that would probably be a breeze for anyone else, but for me well I don't make it look all that easy, but boy howdy, HE does!!!

Monday, October 1, 2012

Day 262

Sent Curly off to two people who asked for it.  That inspired me to pull out Q and I spent about an hour on that fleshing out characters.

My thyroid symptoms are worsening.  The small goiter on my neck is about 3times the size it was Friday and I am having a hard time swallowing and when I talk it's like there's gravel in my neck.  The aching has worsened and the headaches have started though that may be from the 3 periods I've had back to back these last weeks.

I called my Endo.  He is closing his practice and now I need to find a new doc on my crappy insurance and T doesn't start his new job until December with hope of good ins??  Oh, who am I kidding?  I can't get my hopes up.  

Anyway, he can't see me until the end of the month anyway as a last hurrah.  So, if anyone reads this and has heard of a good Endo, please let me know.  The joints in my hands and fingers have started freezing up too, but I'm not sure if that is related to this or some residual TOS thing.

Don't worry, I'm not depressed or anything.  Honestly, I'm not happy about it though.  HAHA-I just keep thinking I don't have time for this.  T goes out of town this Wed-Tuesday and so its not like I can slow down anyway.  He is taking tomorrow off so I can rest before he's gone.  Those of you who know how much I've leaned on my mom on times like this and how healthy it is that I no longer do that/cut a few ties there, will be glad to know I have to figure this out on my own since she and my dad are traveling for a month.  Yes, its good for me. 

No, I'm not happy about a goiter which is growing larger on my neck every day.  But that's a pride thing.  Sorry to complain, but I guess if there's anyplace I can vent just a little this would be it.