Thursday, August 23, 2012

Day 249

The original day 249 was quite a doozy.  Til I deleted it.  I don't generally quit on a post in a place I have tried to consistently feel safe being exposed on.  This was an exception.  I've been ok this week and I mean ok in the best possible way.  I've been competent.  I've been capable.  I've done what's needed to be done.

Why is this a novelty?  For the same reason that I handed my car keys to T on our third date.  I made him take the driver's seat.  And I've leaned on him ever since.  Granted, we didn't know what a free fall my health would take, but when did I hand over the things that scared me and when did driving scare me before that day?  It didn't.  I didn't ask him if he wanted the job and I didn't check in with myself and realize what the symbolism in that one act was the precursor of.

So the real deal is I don't want to be in charge, not because I don't want to be in charge, but because I don't want to be responsible.  I don't feel comfortable with the buck stopping with me because I don't feel competent, capable or able to handle what needs to get done...and T does such a good job at sweeping the anxious crumbs of me under the rug and making the floor all shiny again.

So when he leaves on business the entire first week of the kids' school experience and life just inhales and exhales - I feel NOT anxious.  No one was here to take it from me.  Not T, not my mom (who had the job before T and to be truthful, created the 'spare the firewoman any travail at all costs' career) God blessed me, gave me peace and I couldn't hide away.  There was no time to retract within myself or stare out the window at my own life and not be living it fully.  And that is what really causes my anxiety.

It's that.  It's me when I choose not to act, but to be acted upon.  That is my truth.  That is how my anxiety is handled.  I'm not the saying the same goes for everyone, but when I don't just go do, it's always a problem.  So this week has been the best week I've had in a really long time.  I kept going, I kept breathing, I kept praying, and praying, I kept living.  And this is how it feels.  I like it.