Saturday, December 18, 2010

Day 58

This is a shout out to A.  The CD, Anchor, that you gave me today is little C and my favorite one to listen to together.  I didn't own it, we would just listen to it on youtube or snippets on blogs.  I put it on tonight as we traveled north to the one time a year I make the trek to the inlaws.  I know that sounds bad, but for those of you that know that story you know that after 15 years, I still clasp T's hand and clench my jaw the whole 40 minutes there.  I have pondered not putting myself in the situation, but I do it for T, for the kids, and in the hopes that one day things can be different.

Tonight at the end, I shook my FIL's hand.  That was a big deal for me.  Hugging him would be unthinkable, though I've done it before.  I can be rather bitter about it sometimes, but the truth is I just want to be loved and accepted.  It's been enough time and enough feelings have congealed into kind of a thick emotional paste, that I don't know exactly how it will happen, but I know I pray for things to get better.  I pray for my heart to soften, for me to truly forgive and show love, even when I am rebuffed, ridiculed, ignored, or given up on.  It is a work in progress.  Sometimes I get closer than others.  I know that deep inside I love him and everybody else.  I've just got to tap into that place and then stay there.

A, thank you.  I love the music and I love you.  And you're right, the song California is my favorite.  That would be my life, if dreams came true...or at least for half of the year.   I would "pack my bags and lock my door" and travel to all the places I imagine, gathering experience and people like pebbles on the seashore.  But my life is here among my nearest and dearest and it is an amazing journey just experiencing life with all of you practically in my own back yard.  So I get to write and experience far off places that way.  And that will suffice, for now.

1 comment:

  1. Actually, I must have said the wrong number. "All About Your Heart" is the one that reminds me of you. I do love "California", but you are " a painting by Van Gogh. Starry nights and bright sunflowers follow you where you may go."
    That's the one I was talking about! Oops!

    Love you too! I'm glad you liked it, and I hope it makes you dance around the room with your little ones, like it does me!