Monday, October 31, 2011

Day 235

I have to document this Halloween so I always remember how unique it was and probably how it kicked off new territory for me.  For the second year in a row, C was out the door early with a group of buddies he trick or treats with.  One of the kids dad is a rock star, no not literally, but he is in my book because he takes the boys all over the place.  I had to put some snacks in a baggie for C to take with him because dinner wasn't even ready.  It was snap take a picture and out the door.  Little C was asked to go trick or treating by her best friend who happens to have just turned 11.  The plan was for our friends to come enjoy dinner this year ( a favorite-chili in a pumpkin) and then head out the door with little C and her friend.  Lo and behold, the little girl comes with her mom and her mom wants to go with them.  T and I kick back and enjoy dinner with some great company and kids happily off trick or treating.  For a while, my parents came over and handed out candy so that took care of that job.  Our friends don't have children so we enjoyed a leisurely evening.  Either we are the laziest parents ever or we have discovered a new fabulous way to celebrate this holiday.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Day 234

I am composing, compiling the Relief Society newsletter.  That is the extent of my writing the last little while.  I feel it, but there are things being written in my heart that don't necessarily translate to the page, at least not yet.  I fell on my roller-blades the other day, right onto my back.  I was so upset with myself.  I didn't want to go backwards and it wasn't the pain that got to me, it was the imperfection.  There are too many other things that I just can't seem to do well, at least not by myself.  There is nothing like humility to put things into perspective. 
By myself, I am all thumbs.  I realize through all of the experiences of these last few months, that I know nothing.  And because I know that I know nothing, it makes anticipation (which has always been an anchor for me,) obsolete.  That is not to say that I am without hope, but I am less sure about what I hope for.  That is not steady ground for me to be on.
Do I hope that T gets a job, any job or do I hope he just gets the right job no matter the length of time?  Do I hope that through the tiny daily mundane tasks that there is steel forming within me or do I yearn to see some impact that what I am doing matters?  That last one doesn't seem right, but I watch sometimes as others just do it better, neater and I wonder at my weakness.
I want to do more, be more, but I am impatient with myself for needing to rest.  I know the Lord doesn't expect me to run faster than I have strength, but sometimes I want to just sleep and I don't want that to be an excuse to not get the things done that I need to.  There are still things that frighten me, that I don't want to take too close of a look at, but I know that I need to.  So, I push them aside and focus on other things.
I played my parents' grand piano for half an hour this weekend.  My fingers ground the keys with all the energy I had.  My arms didn't hurt.  My arms didn't hurt.  I played a duet with my brother, every hymn I could think of, music I've written, it all fell out of me.  It's still in there.  Do you know what a big part of my life that is?  Don't I talk about it?  Yah, I know.  It's because it's been a good decade since playing has been possible.  I mean really playing.  This healing stuff, I tell you.  It is so complicated.  I know I need to give voice to it.  My spirit yearns to split open, to carry this  body high upon a mountain.  This imperfect body, that shakes uncontrollably when the spirit is just too strong for its natural man-ness.  The two parts have to join somewhere, to come to some sort of an understanding.  I think they did when I played that piano.
Have I told you that healing can be scary?  I would love to tell you that I have perfect faith.  With each new step, more is required.  Excuses are gone.  Old hangups go out the window.  I know He lifts us and blesses us, but I admit, I have fear sometimes.  I think because of that, I am sometimes even afraid to receive inspiration for my own life.  The last vestiges of my comfort zone I cling to like a life line and I know I need to jump out into the abyss.  I know it.  And I shun the fears that still take hold of me sometimes, but they doggedly follow me.  I know that my healing depends on continued and even increased faith.  I don't want to let Him down, I don't want to let myself down.  I know He loves me and will bless me.  I know we can only go as far and fast as we are able, but sometimes I know that I can do more, that I can at least listen more, be more willing to ask.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Day 233

A lot of disappointment lately.  It has been pretty tough and to be honest, I have felt alone.

I had a heart to heart with the temple matron today and told her about an idea that a friend of mine had about installing a doorbell at the front doors of the temple with a sign that says, "Please ring if you need assistance with the door."  She thought it was the best idea she has heard about the problem and said she would talk to the temple pres. asap.   I felt as if in a small way we had made a difference, an impact that could help someone.  I guess that's all I want, to make a small difference somewhere and for my life to leave behind a ripple.