Day 8

Word count: 544


I tend to see things in very black and white terms.  If I decide to do something, my will is pretty strong.  I remember when I first changed my eating habits, I never wondered if or when I would go back.  Something in my mind had already decided I just was done doing what I had been doing, eating the crap I had been eating.  Going to the temple every week, same thing.  In that case I desperately needed the blessings.  That was my motivation for stepping inside that first week.  I realized the other day the profound blessings that have come into my life by being there.

Like this blog, there are people there who keep me honest, hold me accountable for showing up.  I have built relationships there with people who work within those walls, that I hold very dear to my heart.  I had to miss when my daughter was hospitalized and they were so worried when I didn't come.  They knew something awful must have happened since I am always there.  
I wish I could say it worked for everything in my life.  Today I had a little melt down.  My body is doing better and I sometimes don't take the time to rest that I used to.  In fact, I can't remember the last time I took a nap.  Maybe last week?  Those of you who know me well, know I ALWAYS take and need a nap.  I think it's caught up with me.  My body kind of gave out and I knew I needed to lie down.  I was upset and I lost my temper...again.

I fail again and again.  I wake up every day determined to do my best and some days I do well and some days I struggle.

In tears, I asked why, why can't I conquer my anger like some of the other goals I've laid out for myself?  The answer came through my ever patient help meet who reminded me that that is what the atonement is for.  That those things that I will never be able to achieve just by my "strong will" fall under the benevolent grace of my Master.  I need to need Him.  I need to claim the gift He gives me.  It doesn't matter how many days or weeks or months or years in a row I do anything...I need Him in everything I do.  So I'm doing the same thing in my goal to write here.  It doesn't occur to me to skip a day, but that's not because I'm trying to be perfect on my own.  I'm just trying to strengthen my character, work out the talents I've been given and get ready to humble myself and apply the atonement in my life because I have need of it. 

So I keep trying.  That's all I can do and I may not have 8 days or let's face it 8 hours under my belt of not getting frustrated or upset, but I will give Him something to work with.  I remember in high school pottery I just wanted to make a cute little pinch pot, but all I ever could mold out of my clay was this cumbersome misshapen cauldron.  I'm a cauldron now, but enough times getting re-thrown on that wheel and enough times in that kiln and at the end of eternity and a day I may just become that dang cute little pinch pot I want to become.