Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Day 268

My nails are a shiny glittery red.  My hair has been combed out by a special detangler comb and spray.

What is it about feeling girly that makes the day just a little brighter?

As of yesterday I was going to wake up today and take a pair of scissors and cut off my hair from the base of my skull.

For weeks since my thyroid has dropped down off the charts, the one side effect I haven’t talked about is what it’s done to my hair.  I’m ashamed and so I wear it in a bun and generally see how long I can get away with it.  It is a rat’s nest.  Not just tangled, but severely tangled.  It can be brushed within an inch of its life the night before and the next day, nothing with release it from follicle jaws of hell.

I’ve broken combs, and T has tried his hardest to brush it for me because I just haven’t been able to do it.  When we do get a brush through it, I lose clumps of hair in my hand with the curls still attached.  I know I could have asked anybody and they would have said of course they would brush it for me and then I would have release it from its bun and I know they would have gasped…at least inside.  So I couldn’t admit that my hair, as Amy said to Jo, my “one beauty” was now this deal breaker.

This week though, T is gone and I was done.  I finally broke down yesterday and confided to M my problem.  And it feels so narcissistic to admit this as if hair should be that big of a deal.   I’m holding on through STILL being down and exhausted, dizzy, unfocused, and the rest of the symptoms that has stopped me in my tracks again.  But this issue of hair was an attack on my womanhood and it’s like that one little thing was pulling me over the edge.  And with T gone, there was no one to talk me down off the ledge of just getting rid of most of it for good.

Today M showed up with a special comb she had asked the experts about and a detangler spray and some red glittery nail polish…and I can’t even…

This is one of those things that on the blackest of black days I want to remember.  I’m not an easy person.  And while generally easier for me on paper, in person it’s hard for me to confide things; my walls tend to be a few miles thick, but I need to document that there are angels among us.

I’m surrounded by them.  I don’t know how long I will still be resting or feeling poorly or what the next step is, but I can tell you this.  Since the day I was born, yes I came out swinging, came out fighting, but from my earliest girlhood, the Lord saw fit to send me the best and brightest with which to make the journey joyful.

And to those of you reading this I want to thank each of you for being among those angels in my life.  I couldn’t do it without you.  Your friendship means the world to me.

I love you.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Day 267

Got through the entire novel of Q.  Still need a title.  Now that I've gone through it, I know the changes I need to make.  A was right.  Good beginning.  Good ending.  I just need to flesh out the middle.  Dialogue instead of page upon page of exposition.  I hate dialogue.  This is good practice for me.  Reading 'Bird By Bird' again.  I love that Ann Lamont.  She calls God a woman and I'm pretty sure she did too much acid as a young girl, but she is frank, funny and someone I would like to spend at least an afternoon with.
So that would make her book my favorite on writing along with good ole Stephen Kings.  Who would have guessed?

1671 words so far for nanowrimo.  Now off to the real rewrite.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Day 266

Doing NaNoWriMo again.  I can't believe its been two years since I finished writing the novel.  Now I'm using this November to edit it and flesh it out.  I have so much work to do.  How has it taken me so long to pull it out again?  It's good for me.  It kicks my butt.  That's what I need.

I only did like 700 words because editing isn't as freeing as raw words.  I have no idea if I will even get to the 50,000 goal this time.  I was talking to K tonight and we talked about her tennis.  She plays in tournaments, practices three times a week.  It's her thing and she's winning plaques and taking it seriously.  It felt nice when she asked what was going on in my life to say I had picked up my novel again.  Because truthfully it felt like the only thing I could tell her about ME.  Not about T or the kids or my health or my calling or duties or anything, but about ME.  Tennis is her thing and writing is mine.

I've been struggling with how I feel about myself lately.  I have felt left out.  It's actually a crazy feeling.  I'm not left out, but the feelings have been so real.  Thank you C for calling me in a perfect moment and just putting it all in perspective for me.

I know that sounds so weird.  I'm really involved, much to my detriment almost and it's that 'lonely in a crowd' feeling.  There's Firewoman, she knows everyone, knows what's happening here and there and everywhere, but it's slippery.  Weird.  There's something important I need to learn here, but it's late and I've been writing the evening away.