Day 85

It's getting harder to write.  I need to stay motivated.  Usually I write in the evenings, but then T needs the computer because of the job hunt.  Today I thought I would try while little C is down for a rest, but I'm used to writing in the evenings and it's hard.
T and I had a heart to heart talk.  He reminded me what my goals are, what I felt prompted to do which is write everyday.   I've been so blessed and I know I need to have faith.  I don't like the unknown.  I tend to look toward the future.  When X happens, things will be better.  When Y comes, I can relax.   And on and on.  One of the biggest things I have to learn, is to embrace the here and now.  Not to wait for some grand adventure, but recognize the miracles in the everyday.  Yesterday I did the second hardest exercise that my Pilates trainer teaches.  She is taking me through the repertoire she gives her advanced clients.  She reminded me I've only been doing Pilates since around late July/early August and the strides have been amazing.

You know what?  I have been in pain for so long, I have to relearn how not to be in pain.  I know that sounds strange, but it's the truth.  I have to refill that pocket of pain with other things.   I am so used to fretting about something that I have to learn how to just be.  I come from a long line of worriers, I think I've mentioned it before.  I watched my grandmother worry, my mom, and now I struggle to let that go.  It's inborn in there, but it's time to clean house.  Writing has been that outlet that has given me purpose when I lose focus.  By setting this daily writing goal and then the daily goal of Pilates here at home, I work hard.  I go outside of my comfort zone.

There are some changes that will be happening in my life.  Some little, like my visiting teaching route.  Some bigger, like my calling.  In both cases I don't yet know what those changes will be.  T reminded me that in neither case are they my purpose, they are just ways to help me in my purpose.  I've rambled, haven't I?  I have a lot on my mind.  I'm really excited about 2011.   I'm interested to see where this year will take me.   My miraculous days, my grand adventure.

I need to write.  I get to write.  I choose to write.