Day 102

Today I was talking to little C and said, "me and Barbie" to which my three and a half year old daughter replied, "Barbie and I, Mom."

Great.  Even my toddler has better grammar than I do.


I finally have my original novel organized.  Some of the scenes needed restructuring.  I just need to fill in a couple of blanks and work on the ending.  I have two different ones and I think both can work, but it needs to be the right one.  I honestly have not had much time to work on it the past few days. 

Day 101

A young man in my ward had his mission farewell today.  He had tons of friends come to wish him well and one of his friends had the giant rings in his ears.  I can't remember what it's called, but his ears were stretched out into giant circles with those posts that get progressively larger and I found myself taking a second look, because for a minute I couldn't tell if he was wearing giant earrings or it was his ears.  I felt bad.  I didn't want to stare; I wanted to be welcoming.  I mean, how cool that he came to church to support his friend.  I have to say though, it made me feel so bad because he is so young.  What happens to his ears when he's 50?  I don't understand the attraction to wanting to stretch out ones ears.  It seems like a painful process. 

Day 100

Day 100.  Incredible.  I can barely believe it.  So much has happened since I've started this writing journey.  Today my writing only consisted of insights I had in the class I've been taking.  I've taken so many notes and made some new contacts which has been huge.   I love getting to know new people and hearing their stories.  That's why I love biographies.  People's life stories fascinate me.   

Day 99

I am procrastinating.  I have homework for a three day class I'm taking, I still need to do Pilates, I need to address thank yous that C just finished writing, and the dishes need to get done.  I'm gone all day tomorrow as well, so things have to get done tonight.  I haven't napped in days.  That's actually a good thing.

T, I'm praying for you.  K, you're a sweetheart.  Thanks for watching little C for me today.

Day 98

I realize that I'm not posting too much about writing lately.   I told my mom that I had posted something about a certain subject and she checked my other blog because as she said, "That other one is just writing stuff, isn't it?"  HA!  This is the one where I don't censor myself like I so often did with my other blog. 

I am being taught.  I am learning about healing.  I am healing.  I wish that I could be more specific, but at this point I'm not sure how.   There are changes going on that I can't explain, and ones that I can, but that doesn't make them any less miraculous to me.  My body is changing, my mind, my heart, my soul.  And writing about it?  I pray to have the courage and divine guidance to be able to organize it onto paper.  For almost ten years, I have felt as if I need to gloss over, deflect attention to, or avoid the subject of this painful journey I've been on.  I make references to it, but I always just assume everyone knows what's going on and then when I'm with someone I try never to let it define me.  I can't help thinking, knowing, that I can't keep my journey to myself or not share what I have learned because what if it helps just one person?   Faith, courage and discipline.  I need those three things to write the things I need to write.  The inspiration is there.

Day 97

I have to get up early tomorrow for an early class, so I'm calling it a night.  I got Stolen from the library for a second time to reread it.   True to form, I was only on page 10 and yet lent it out immediately.  I always feel like I need to share that book.  This time it was to my PT.  Hope she likes it.  One of these days maybe I will keep it for myself. :)

Day 96

Happy birthday to my darling T.  I'm so grateful that you are SO much older than I am.  Love you, babe.  Now let's go watch Inception again.

Day 95

My heart is full.  The Lord knows the end from the beginning.  I am being prepared.  T is being prepared.  Inspiration falls like dewdrops.   I wish I could properly convey what I'm feeling, but I don't think I could do it justice.  I just know that when I woke up this morning, I had no idea what the day would  hold, the answers that would come and I am overwhelmed.  One day months ago, I was doing my hair and the thought came to me of a book I needed to write.  It was strong, but I was afraid of my lack of ability and over time let it go.  Today I felt it again.   I will explain more soon.  Now I need to get back to work.  And I'm going to need a lot of help.  The truth is I can't do it without help.  I always thought it seemed funny when I would pray to be able to finish one of my short stories, get the words out, but I know I will have to do that with this one.  

So, I know I know what about my novel?  I know I was prompted to write everyday, and it has been interesting to feel things twist and turn.  I think it is more about the journey I'm going through in writing, than even the end result, though in this case I want to do what it is I'm supposed to do because that's all that really matters to me.  I don't want any regrets at the end of my life.  I don't want to have gone through my life experience and not have done with it what I needed to.   I feel like I am babbling tonight and I apologize.  What a day...what an amazing day!!

Day 94

I made some headway today with the little girl in my class.  I've been praying about her and I think it may be bearing fruit.  I really felt love for her today.  She shared something with me in class today and I felt the spirit.  She began to cry and I was able to talk to her alone and tell her how much I care about her.  She just needs to know she's loved.  She's been abandoned in her life and needs to feel safe.  Nothing worthwhile is easy and no one either.   So worth it though.
After the Mr. and I had a chance to recuperate after yesterday, we reflected on C's party and how happy he was and all the adorable boys who came.  We agreed that it was one of those things we'll always remember, and that C will remember.  He literally couldn't stop smiling. 

Day 93

14 boys:

2 twelve year olds

4 ten year olds

4 nine year olds

2 eight year olds

2 seven year olds

4 liters of root beer, 2 liters of cream soda, 2 liters of Sprite

2 boxes of donut holes, 2 boxes of cookies, 2 bags of Cooler Ranch Doritos

1 bag of Sour Patch Kids, 1 bag of Jolly Ranchers, 1 bag of Skittles

Football, Basketball, Soccer ball, Bouncy balls, soft squishy Dodge Balls, Ultimate Frisbee, Capture the Flag, some game with balls and blocks, running and playing until the sugar was out of the system and the bodies exhausted…

And a couple of old people who are lying on the couch trying to recuperate now.

Happy Birthday, son.  Now, no more parties until adulthood, ‘K???

Day 92

Focusing on the positive today.  Had nice phone chats with C and A.  Was good to have T home.  Enjoyed catching up with K and L and a visit from my sis.  Snuggled with the kids.  Told by my trainer that I'm ready to make goals in my training for the things I want to do again, be it tennis, throwing a football, ballet, hiking, whatever, they will help me.  Took a walk and the weather was beautiful.   A blue sky goes a long way. 

Day 91

These haven't been an easy last couple of days, but T and I are truly blessed.  Last night my dad was rushed to the ER after collapsing and not being able to get up.  They ran CT scans, but can't find any sign of a stroke.  He is still not feeling well and resting at home, but I was able to tell him I love him.  We weren't close growing up.  In fact, things were really tough, but I shed some tears today and realized I am not ready to say goodbye. 

This is a man who called the missionaries from the phone book in his late twenties and asked them if he could come to their church.  Who does that?  He was the only member of the church in his family.  A convert.  A pioneer.  He was a packer in the High Sierras, a CEO, a sculptor, a pacemaker keeps him alive, a veteran, a writer, a poet,  he buys all of my mom's clothes and has the fashion sense second to none, a dancer, plays several instruments, and the best grandfather in the world.  Oh, and did I mention he's funny? 

I still owe you a movie, Dad.  I love you.

Day 90

I'm writing early today.  Editing my novel, but today I feel like its drivel.  I know I've said it before, but that's my biggest problem.  I write something, don't think it sounds good and either delete it or ignore it.  Then on the chance I do keep it, I read it a few months later and think it's pretty good after all.   Don't worry, I'm not deleting anything.  I just picked up my ghost story again and I'm going to rewrite it a little bit just for fun.  See how much of that world is still in me.  I have to.  I can't let myself get bored with this.  It's a danger for me.

Day 89

Had RS meeting tonight.  It was on Creating and they handed each lady some salt dough to create something with as the night went on.  I had been working on a pinch pot and spent the better part of an hour as I listened to the classes smoothing it out and shaping it.  Talked to my friend M about some issues going on right now, including that T's last day of work is Thursday.  Suddenly, she pointed down at the pot I had painstakingly worked on.  I  hadn't even noticed that while I was talking to her and she was asking how I was doing and I was answering that I was just fine, that I had pulverized the dough and was clenching it in my fingers.   She looked at me.  Fine? 

No, I wouldn't say fine is the exact word.  I paced the floor a little tonight.  T explained how the first 4 people were let go and they had him on hand in case anyone reacted poorly and it was felt like yesterday when at his last job he had to fire everybody else in the layoffs knowing that he too would be let go, but they let him do it because he had compassion and they knew that he would do it right and be thorough and then he filled out his own paperwork for termination.  It felt like that again as he explained how he sat with a man today who took an hour to clean out his desk because he was a little bit in shock.  T sat with him.  He told me that he hopes someone is with him when he cleans out his desk.  I don't know why, but something closed up deep inside me with just that image.

So, no fine wouldn't be the word I would choose right now.  Even though I'm on autopilot and I will probably say fine if anyone asks me how I am.  Just look down and see if I'm squishing something in my hands though.  

Day 88

At C's school, they have Virtue Week.  Every week someone in the class gets their virtues and attributes highlighted.  The parents bring in a poster and pictures and spends a few minutes talking about the virtues their child is developing.  For C, we are highlighting his Trustworthiness, Loyalty, Passion, Patience, Generosity, and Integrity.  I am putting the poster together tonight.  I wanted to document these here because sometimes he doubts himself and forgets to believe in himself and I want him to always remember the amazing attributes he carries within himself.

Day 87

Well, tomorrow is a tradition known around these parts as Men's Division Day.  T and C have birthdays exactly two weeks apart and the week in between they both take a day to celebrate both birthdays by doing anything they want.  C actually coined this phrase and out of the kindness of their hearts, they let mom tag along.   Last year the festivities included Laser Tag, a shooting range (though you have to be at least 10, so I have a feeling this may be the big year), video games, and shopping for fish for the aquarium.  The cool thing about our family is that the men's b-days are two weeks apart and the girl's birthdays are four days apart.  Only two months to remember.  How handy.  And lest you think that we are left out, little C and I celebrate Women's Division Day smack dab in the middle of our b-days as well.   Last year that included Jungle Jim's and a manicure for my three year old.

It's seriously a fun tradition.  So little C is staying at the grandparent's tonight so that the festivities can start bright and early.  I'm really excited.

Day 86

I can't believe I've been doing this 86 days.  My writing today consisted of about 20 thank you notes.  Finally, I am getting around to Christmas thank yous.  I'm turning in early tonight. 

Day 85

It's getting harder to write.  I need to stay motivated.  Usually I write in the evenings, but then T needs the computer because of the job hunt.  Today I thought I would try while little C is down for a rest, but I'm used to writing in the evenings and it's hard.
T and I had a heart to heart talk.  He reminded me what my goals are, what I felt prompted to do which is write everyday.   I've been so blessed and I know I need to have faith.  I don't like the unknown.  I tend to look toward the future.  When X happens, things will be better.  When Y comes, I can relax.   And on and on.  One of the biggest things I have to learn, is to embrace the here and now.  Not to wait for some grand adventure, but recognize the miracles in the everyday.  Yesterday I did the second hardest exercise that my Pilates trainer teaches.  She is taking me through the repertoire she gives her advanced clients.  She reminded me I've only been doing Pilates since around late July/early August and the strides have been amazing.

You know what?  I have been in pain for so long, I have to relearn how not to be in pain.  I know that sounds strange, but it's the truth.  I have to refill that pocket of pain with other things.   I am so used to fretting about something that I have to learn how to just be.  I come from a long line of worriers, I think I've mentioned it before.  I watched my grandmother worry, my mom, and now I struggle to let that go.  It's inborn in there, but it's time to clean house.  Writing has been that outlet that has given me purpose when I lose focus.  By setting this daily writing goal and then the daily goal of Pilates here at home, I work hard.  I go outside of my comfort zone.

There are some changes that will be happening in my life.  Some little, like my visiting teaching route.  Some bigger, like my calling.  In both cases I don't yet know what those changes will be.  T reminded me that in neither case are they my purpose, they are just ways to help me in my purpose.  I've rambled, haven't I?  I have a lot on my mind.  I'm really excited about 2011.   I'm interested to see where this year will take me.   My miraculous days, my grand adventure.

I need to write.  I get to write.  I choose to write. 

Day 84

Today little C was eating her breakfast and we were listening to Mindy Gledhill.   On one song on her album she is singing to her little boy and she sings, “Don’t turn around and grow up way too fast.”  Little C asks what it means to grow up way too fast.  I tell her that childhood is fleeting, then I try to explain what fleeting means, and finally I tell her that right now her and I stick together, but that one day she will stick together with her husband and her own babies and so we just need to enjoy this time together.

Her eyes filled with tears as she regarded me.  I kid you not, it was like having a conversation with an old soul.  She said, “Mom, don’t worry.  Even when I get too old to stick together with you, I will always be close to you.”  It was touching and like time stopped for a minute. 

This is it.  No more babies.  No more little friends with me all day.  This time is so precious and even when I can’t play hide and seek one more time or play Billy Goats’ Gruff with a T-Rex and Thomas the Trains for what seems like eternity, I still know this is a blink of an eye.   She is my little friend and I am selfish.  She is mine for the next couple of years.   It is true we are really close and I am grateful for this time with her.

Day 83

I haven't read very many books lately.  C has read 14 in the last month.  In fact, he won an award for it today at school.  They were all classics along with the last three Harry Potter books.  It was during an assembly at school and they made a big deal about it.  Everybody cheered, "Who rocks the house?  C rocks the house!"  It was pretty cool and he felt pretty happy about it.  I wish I could just take his teacher with him the rest of his school experience.  She is incredible.  

Day 82

While writing tonight I find myself staring into space and I realize that I am thinking about nothing as I do so.  Am I just really tired or could it be that my mind is literally completely blank?  Those with weak stomachs should not continue reading this post as I am liable to say anything at this point as an empty mind reminded me of the following:

So I read today that you can put your placenta in capsules and ingest it back after the baby since that is where all the nutrients go for the baby and therefore all the brain cells you lose after each pregnancy.  Ewww…

My OB asked me if I wanted to see the placenta after C was born and I said, Uh no.  It would stand to reason that therefore no matter the benefits to my short term memory function, that I would not be eating it either.  Gross.

I only bring this up because after only two kids, two really brilliant kids, I haven’t got much left.   I really feel like I have to keep my mind active and stay sharp and focused or things get a little dull up yonder in this nest of hair I may or may not have brushed today.  My grandfather had dementia and I know my father worries about it and since I have the red hair of that branch of the ole’ family tree, I hope that this rusty brain of mine keeps chugging along.

This is what too many nights of too little sleep will do to one’s writing.  I am living proof.  Perhaps I should just call it a night.

And now for something completely different.  We watched Despicable Me tonight and loved it.  J, you were so right.

My son had a wonderful birthday.  He was so happy with the phone calls, gifts, cards, and general well wishes on his big day.  I am so proud of who he is and I still can’t believe I have a ten year old.  C, thank you for stopping by.  I know it meant the world to him.

Day 81

Organizing my scenes is proving to be a problem.  I am way inexperienced and it shows.  I have three POV's that I tell the story with and switch off every chapter.  That works for the most part, but I have some key scenes I still need to organize.  I'm not exactly sure how to go about it.  I'm close on this, but the problem is by the time the kids go to bed I'm tired and my mind isn't sharp. 

Tomorrow C will be 10.  I am making cookies for his class tonight and decorating the house.  I am packing a special lunch for him and most shocking of all, I am planning to make him early morning pancakes.  He's such an amazing boy and he's been so excited about this day for such a long time.  Ten years ago my life was changed forever by his coming into this world.  I am smitten with that little boy.  I know I'm his mother and therefore prejudiced, but he is a diamond in the rough, and I love him with all of my heart.

 

Day 80

I don’t cry often, but when I do it’s the hard, ugly cry, the one where the nose gallops off first and then the makeup, the eyes don’t make an appearance until later, and then they are puffy like the giant Marshmallow man from Ghostbusters stomping over the rest of my skyline visage until red and pink splotches are the only rubble left.

The only thing I hate worse than crying is crying in front of others.  To me, it is a weakness, a failure I need to exorcise and I really don’t know why.   I hate it and I try to squash over it with my will, but today apparently I had some emotion that just needed to come out, at church, during my class, in front of everyone, and it was coming and there was nothing I could do about it. 

I had just born my testimony and borne witness of the Savior and I said ‘Amen’ and then I had to leave or I was going to flood the room.  I told the kids I would be right back and I passed every friend I have, and every one who doesn’t know me as well, and I bee lined for the bathroom.  Of course, someone had just thrown up and I couldn’t get in to find refuge.  I only needed a minute.  Where to go?  Someone came to sit with me, but I just needed a Kleenex, a minute to put Humpty Dumpty together again.  And oh no, I had left my primary class. 

The bathroom was finally clean and I scraped the mascara asphalt off my cheeks and took some deep breaths and then I went back in.  It isn’t an easy class.  It isn’t easy and if I’m honest I have to pray very hard to love all of the children and some of them don’t love me yet, and one may never love me, but that is not why we teach, but it can’t matter because by teaching those kids I will love them.  Still, I must admit, I was not prepared today for a Stand And Deliver moment.  Do I have that in me? 

 I am so sensitive to the moods of others.  If someone is upset or sad, I internalize it and hold it.  One of the little girls has a hard life and her defenses are the Great Wall of China.  She is not afraid to tell me I bug her and she hates me, hates to read the scriptures, and pretty much hates everything.  She also thinks I hate her and I am going to have to prove to her I don’t, but a lot about her scares me.  And if she scares me, I don’t really love her yet or understand her the way I need to, so I have to plead and pray to.

I have a feeling in her life she has come across only a small percentage who have even known what to do with her, and she has a hurt you before you hurt her mentality.  So I took that emotion from her today and wore it around my neck and I felt like it was strangling me.  That and the lesson I gave filled me with some strong emotions that I had to shake off quickly and oh shame, not so privately.

Humility is hard.  Being reminded how little I have of it is worse.   And don’t get me started about my lack of charity…  But tomorrow is another day.  And nothing that is worthwhile is easy.   And no one soul is less precious than another one.

I remember being twenty one years old and newly married and living in Virginia.  I worked two jobs, one of them being at David’s Bridal.   A woman came in and had me running ragged to help her with of all things, bras.  After an hour she finally made her purchases and then proceeded to berate me in front of my supervisor.   My supervisor stood up for me and placated her at the same time, and I stood there wanting to slug the woman and wanting to cry all in one breathe.  I remember the woman leaving and me feeling like I wanted to crumple up, and my supervisor telling me, “Shake it off.  You have other customers that need your help and you have to just move on.”   Amen.

But oh, how I cried today. 

Day 79

Did some fashion research for my character which mostly consisted of looking at cover shoots from Harper's Bazaar.  I was the youngest person in my mat technique class today by probably 20 years and they were all kicking my butt.  Worked almost 4 hours filing.  I'm off to work on my primary lesson.


Good night.

Day 78

More editing today.  I'm really flexing some muscles here.  I don't know what I'm doing.  I wish I did.  I guess I will just learn as I go and the editing is good for me.  It's discipline I don't have. 

Tomorrow is my first Mat class which I'm excited about and then it's off to my filing job so I can pay for all of it!   :)  I love being able to file four hours every Saturday and feel like I'm earning my keep.

My son is winning an award at school on Wednesday, but it's a surprise.  On Tuesday he will be ten.  I am having a hard time admitting that I have a ten year old.  He's been going on ten for years now though, so I guess I should be used to it.  He is so much happier at school since he's gone back after Christmas.  I just love his teacher this year.

Thanks for the visit, C.  I needed that today!

Day 77

I love Thursdays.  It's my favorite day of the week.  Not only do I have Physical Therapy and Pilates, but I have my weekly date at the temple.  And I am truly Norm from Cheers where I go "where everybody knows my name" and "they're always glad I came," but without the beer and bar stools.  I love all the ladies I work with so much. 

I have reached a point in my Pilates' training where I have advanced to a class on Saturday mornings as well as the one on one training and Physical Therapy.  So now I will be spending three hours rehabilitating per week.  T went with me last week and he was shocked at all I could do and how much weight I was moving around.   Six months ago it hurt to breathe, stand, be in space.  The pain encroached upon all my thoughts, every breath and now I don't have to focus on holding my head up on my neck.  I can hand little C her sippy cup behind me in the car even when I'm driving, I can hold her for a while and have it not bother me.   

I am healing.  I am not broken and that means a lot to me.  I tell you, this whole thing is miraculous.   Nine years...nine long years.  What a journey this has been.  Just writing this, I can't stop smiling.

Day 76

So the 11 pages I had T read tonight have to be heavily edited.  I hate editing.  I loathe editing.  I procrastinate editing.  I should be editing right now, but I'm going to do it tomorrow.  I know, I know, the whole reason I am writing everyday is to get better at it and editing is a huge part of that, but I don't want to.  I want to write something and have it be good and rest on my laurels.  HA!  Not going to happen.

In other news, I accidentally added 1/2 a teaspoon of sugar to my ultra healthy turkey spinach meatloaf tonight instead of salt.  What do you think that means?  I feel feisty.  January bleakness, coldness does that to me.  I feel happy, empowered in many ways, insecure in others, but the main thing I feel is feisty. 

Take that, editing schmediting...

Day 75

I can't shake off feeling so tired today.  I've been busy, but this is ridiculous.  I can't stop yawning.  I finished something I'm writing this morning.  I just need T to read it over for me before I do anything with it.  

Day 74

Working on something new.  I am praying it all comes together. 

Day 73

Just got back from a less active lady's house that I visit teach.  She called me in tears and I went over to be with her for a while.  Her family was involved in a rollover crash, but everyone is safe and no one is seriously hurt.  At the end of our visit, she said that she and her family will be to church this next week.  I told her I would save her a seat.  It was a really neat experience.

While 9 AM church was early this morning, the getting out at noon thing was awesome.  Worth it.  And little C is the cutest sunbeam ever.  Her mama may even survive her getting older...mostly.

Day 72

My writing today was a letter to my friend T.  We have been friends for 18 years and she is dealing with pain.   It breaks my heart.  I want her to know I love her and that she isn't alone.

I have found I can look into someone's eyes and see their sorrow.  Do you know how I can tell?  They have a depth to them, a beauty.  The people in my life who have tasted sorrow in any form, death, pain, disappointment, you name it.  They have eyes that take me straight to Heaven.

And they are the most beautiful people I know.  They have walked with God through their own "Gethsemane" if you will.   And it is etched into their very souls, their faces convey it.  True beauty, that's what that is.