Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Day 223

aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  I don't feel good.  I almost fainted today and I can't figure out if I'm coming down with something or if I'm just stressed.  I think it's the latter.  I honestly think I'm a wimp now that T's gone all night every night.  I am so worried about him and before I could just focus on all the stuff I had to do and just trust that he would be alright.  Now I worry that he is up all night and not sleeping much or well during the day and its throwing everything all off.  Where did the summer go?  Where were all the fun little idylic field trips I was supposed to take the kids on?  I don't understand.  I hate not knowing.  I hate limbo.  I am in a life 'waiting room' on the one hand and charging full steam ahead on the other hand.  Can I tell you how many times this week my 10 year old has babysat during late hours of the night?  Every night this week, T leaves before I get home.  I find my boy's bedroom light on reading his nightly vigil away.  He doesn't complain and is a champ.  He is perfectly capable of doing it, but my heart is always home praying that my babies are okay. 

Where is the calm, zen fire woman?  She has left the building and listening to Angels and Airwaves full blast as I write this.  Now is the time for me to work on my novel.  Today little C told me there were kidnappers in the green belt.  What the?  Then C asks me why people would kidnap children and if they just want the ransoms.  I just hugged him and told him that maybe sometimes that happens, but that people just aren't very nice sometimes.  I just left it at that.  I want to always just leave it at that.  They are getting older and I'm not ready. 

I've gotten to the point where if people ask me what they can do, I just tell them.  My darling sis'n'law asked what her and my brother can do and without even having to think I told her.  I want to get away.  My 15 year anniversary came and went without not only fanfare, I don't think even a piccalo played.  I want to go away for a couple of days and remember T and I innocent, in a world where kidnappers only care about ransoms. 

Where is T?  Where is he under all of it?  How is he really doing?  I don't know.  I do know he feels like everyone and their dog thinks he's a loser.  How do I help him with that?  I can tell him it's all ok, but he can tell if I'm not completely feeling it. I tell you without the Lord I would be in the fetal position.  Because I sure as heck (I'm being a good girl here) can't make it all ok for him, C and little C.  I know my love and support are vital, but sometimes it just doesn't seem like it's enough.

Mostly I'm just disappointed in myself that I can't do it all.  I worry that I'm not a good enough wife, mother, friend, counselor, human being.  Talk about providing self esteem.  Don't worry.  I've got it.  I just want to be more, rise above, be better, learn and apply. and I know I'm taking baby steps, but sometimes it's hard until I've looked behind me.  T is a stud.  No one even uses that word any more, but the fact that he hasn't hung his head and run across the border floats my boat.   Anyone else looking forward to when "George" moves on and I come back to my senses?  Peace. Out.

PS-    K, you amaze me.  I know I have no reason to complain in lieu of your trials right now.  I love you and your faith is inspirational to me.  Hugs and prayers to you and N.

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