Add that to the fact that I changed schools all the time because we had to move constantly and it made for a nice delicious adolescent stew that tastes burned at the bottom. I graduated with a gaggle of girlfriends who all leaned on me for support and stability and got a job at a local grocery store while I waited to leave for college with one of them. I remember going over and interviewing with two of them so we could all work together. Oh, and all my best friends were the popular beautiful kind. Being funny and a good listener helps break down all social walls in girl world. They got hired on as checkers and I was sent to the back of the store in boot and jeans land.
The store
had just opened and the pay was lousy so we were all teenagers, even the
managers ended up being since any legitimate employee would quit soon after
being hired. I wasn’t active in church
at the time. I felt like a black eye on
the perfect face of the ward I belonged to.
I didn’t share their past, their inside jokes were lost on me, and I’m
not sure they knew how to handle this new kid on the block. So I worked Sundays and quietly slipped off
of radar I’m not sure I was ever on anyway.
I liked the kids I worked with.
We were from all walks of life, members of the church, non members, hard
drinkers, kids heading to college, ones finding themselves, we were a melting
pot in produce and dairy and non foods.
All the blue smocks seemed to equalize us. It was the first time since I moved into this
state, that I felt at home. We would
sometimes hang out after work. One of my
friends, a beautiful one, would ensure that any guy in the place would be glad
to hang out with us. I started to find
out these boys were content to just be friends and that friendship with a boy
was a commodity that I had sorely lacked.
It was enough just to have a few laughs and get into a few scrapes and
the camaraderie was what I understand that everyone else had always had and now
I finally did.
More and
more of these friends who were boys would spend their breaks back in boots and
jeans and I would pretend to sell them dinner sized belt buckles or we would
try on real leather upper ostrich skinned boots and they didn’t like-like me,
they just liked being with me because I was fun or funny or newly confident or
something. I was used to being popular
among the girls, but now I just felt popular.period. It was heady for an eighteen year old girl
who should have known better. Maybe I
could be compared to a Victorian novel character who was just “coming out” into
society or something. I wasn’t dating
anyone, but I could smile and look at a guy.
Wow.
One night
we went out with a guy and his cousin.
The guy was a flashy one and all the girls drooled. I didn’t.
I was way beyond that by now. I
found I didn’t even look at a guy in terms if he was desirable or not because
why bother? I took my usual step back
and all the girls flirted up a storm with him and his cousin. We took two separate cars and I was in the
cousin’s car. Two of my modelesque
friends were there two. They leaned into
to him and admired and all the like. I
listened and was content just to be. The
next day, the cousin, I will call him John, came back to boots and jeans. He had been there before as one of my “pals,”
but now he asked me out. I had very very
few points of reference for this. Why
did he ask me when my friends were throwing themselves in his direction?
I will call
this guy Alex. I loved Alex, everything
about him. He had played football all
through high school yet had a grace like a dancer which he would kill me for
mentioning. He wasn’t a member of the
church which shocked all my friends, but he tried to be supportive and even
came to church with me a few times because I asked him too even though I still
wasn’t going regularly at the time. He
didn’t listen to his CD’s with the parental advisory lyrics at least when I was
in his truck and I never mentioned it. I
won’t go into all of it because the fact is it doesn’t matter. It’s the same story everyone has about their
first love. The only thing was is that
there were a lot of people in the store that thought I was dating someone
else. There was a college boy named let’s
call him Steve that had been going to ask me out, but Alex and I were an item
too quickly. It would take me a long
time to realize that he may have been a smarter option, but as it was I only
had eyes for Alex. Looking back, I didn’t
realize that Steve had feelings for me, but if I had been more savvy in the
world of boys, I would have realized that he was always there for me and it
must have been hard to have our heart to hearts everyday and not have me
understand his feelings.
Anyway, I
was going up to Ricks college with all my friends who went to church each week
and my parents were EAGER to get me away from Alex and up to the Zion of the North
quickly. The night before I left we
stayed out all night and almost got arrested.
I cried all the way to Rexburg because I couldn’t forget his face
watching me drive away.
It was for
the best. I broke a lot of rules jumping
over the fence of my dorm and there were literally times I know the Lord
intervened and carried me away from situations that would have had irreparable
consequences, but I was spared. I am
still eternally indebted to Him for that, but I certainly wasn’t trying to be
wise, but He had always had a way of protecting me even from myself. Once I made the decision to stay up there and
not come home, Alex and I were no more.
It was painful, but it was he who ended it. He could see the writing on the wall even if
I refused to. Later in a crazy twist of
fate, his mom would be my boss and I know she was instrumental in that breakup
and it was a good thing. I heard he was
sleeping with the next girl he was with and all I could think of was that I was
so grateful it wasn’t me.
After that
everything changed for me.
I made up for high school in college and enjoyed the dances and
attention I received. I only dated one
darling cowboy from Wyoming
consistently who sang to me and who ended up not going on a mission and wound
up living with his next girlfriend. I
had to think, they left me and ended up getting into trouble…hmmm….
If was the
first time in my life I felt pretty and the other girls were always raiding my
closet so my confidence was vastly improving.
I came home intent to work my way into a mission since I still had no
idea what I wanted to study and the Y was a daunting prospect since I had no
desire to marry until I had finished education, mission, blah blah blah. I dated people and there was just nothing
there. I just didn’t feel a
connection. RM’s scared me and I was
hard on guys. I wasn’t the best about
returning calls if they didn’t float my boat, and I said no sometimes or if
they did something that made me mad, I would just walk away no questions
asked. I got a great job and had another
strong support of girlfriends which had always been my saving grace. To be honest, I still didn’t really believe
anyone would want to marry me. My
relationship with my dad had not improved and the walls I had built up around
myself were thick. I had become active
in church again at Ricks, who could help it?
I attended a student ward now and the shark tank feel there was not my
bag. My friends started getting
married. I would laugh and be grateful
it wasn’t me. I was thinking about
putting my mission papers in. I went to singles’
dances just to laugh at it all and because that’s what friends wanted to
do. I wasn’t impressed with anyone
there, probably mostly because it was my defense mechanism from getting hurt.
I met a tall smart RM who wanted to be an
accountant and was going to the Y. He
was so into me and I couldn’t be. He
called and called and called. Finally, I
felt bad and thought I should give him a chance, but he didn’t call again. One of my “friends” had told him to forget
it. So it was me feeling guilty about
that situation that caused me to say yes when a certain T would chase me around
the next dance I went to and asked me out.
to be continued...
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