Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Day 269

I have all of these words jumbled in my heart and try as I might, I can not organize them into words on my lips.  I wonder if I will have more luck here?

Yesterday was rough.  The anxiety that is creeping through the cracks and crevices as my TSH and T4 numbers continue to fluctuate is...tough.  I am not myself right now.  My perception of the world is off and I am vulnerable to the elements for lack of a better word.  Last night C took charge since T is out of town again.  He read to little C and got her ready for bed, prayed with her, and checked in on me.  It's not easy for me to write this as my worth as a mommy is severely in question within my own heart in my weakest moments.  I am raw with my self worth in so many ways as I fight through my insecurities at this time when I cannot do all I feel should be done.

Today I could not get out of bed.  The phone rang.  The beeps went off with texts and still I lay.  I was determined to rest until the headache went away, until the dizziness cleared, until I could breathe in and out and I prayed.  C has his school geography bee tomorrow.  His dad is out of town and his mother is afraid that going to the gym to watch him will put her on the road to a panic attack.  What kind of a mother would miss her son in his shining moment, would send her own mother as an ambassador for the family to cheer him on?  These were my thoughts today as I prayed.

One of the texts I got was from K.  She told me to call her asap.  She was in the temple this morning praying for an idea for her family for Christmas.  She said the answer was clear and it was this:  She commissioned me to write a poem; a family creed if you will.  Inspired by Pres. Eyering's Christmas devotional talk, she will include this poem in each of the treasure boxes she is giving to members of her family.  She has emailed me each of their attributes to include and the fundamentals she wants included, but she said she leaves it to my own inspiration to write.   She asked if I had the time.  HAHA.

I am overwhelmed by this tender mercy.  This is one of those families that I put on a pedestal.  One of those writing assignments I will pray my way through, one of those times where the Lord is so mindful of my needs and abilities even when I feel like I am at one of my weakest points.  She (K) believes in me.  HE believes in me and HE wanted me to know that today, this very day where I was beginning to forget, where I know my heart was crying out to Him, begging Him to feel useful, to feel needed, to feel as if I could somehow make a difference when I feel like this weakling.

I don't know the process I will go through to write this very important piece.  Will it come to me all at once, or section by section?  Will I struggle or will it seem easy?  Regardless, one thing is clear.  The Lord believes in my ability to write something beautiful, to make something beautiful out of this life and I need to remember that.  I am a good person.  I am a good mother.  My weakness does not make me bad or less.  I tell you, I wish I didn't have to do this.  I wish I could do all the things I want to do.  I wish I was this pillar of strength.  I don't know why this is still happening, but actually I think I do.  I think I am learning to let go more of my pride, to do all things in wisdom and order, to learn empathy because I don't think I quite mastered that before.  The lessons I've learned I know are crucial to myself and perhaps even to my little family.  I have to remember that and when I am tempted to begin to feel like throwing a pity party to remember all these times where He reaches out and just hugs me.

That is why I write...to remember.

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