Day 268

My nails are a shiny glittery red.  My hair has been combed out by a special detangler comb and spray.

What is it about feeling girly that makes the day just a little brighter?

As of yesterday I was going to wake up today and take a pair of scissors and cut off my hair from the base of my skull.

For weeks since my thyroid has dropped down off the charts, the one side effect I haven’t talked about is what it’s done to my hair.  I’m ashamed and so I wear it in a bun and generally see how long I can get away with it.  It is a rat’s nest.  Not just tangled, but severely tangled.  It can be brushed within an inch of its life the night before and the next day, nothing with release it from follicle jaws of hell.

I’ve broken combs, and T has tried his hardest to brush it for me because I just haven’t been able to do it.  When we do get a brush through it, I lose clumps of hair in my hand with the curls still attached.  I know I could have asked anybody and they would have said of course they would brush it for me and then I would have release it from its bun and I know they would have gasped…at least inside.  So I couldn’t admit that my hair, as Amy said to Jo, my “one beauty” was now this deal breaker.

This week though, T is gone and I was done.  I finally broke down yesterday and confided to M my problem.  And it feels so narcissistic to admit this as if hair should be that big of a deal.   I’m holding on through STILL being down and exhausted, dizzy, unfocused, and the rest of the symptoms that has stopped me in my tracks again.  But this issue of hair was an attack on my womanhood and it’s like that one little thing was pulling me over the edge.  And with T gone, there was no one to talk me down off the ledge of just getting rid of most of it for good.

Today M showed up with a special comb she had asked the experts about and a detangler spray and some red glittery nail polish…and I can’t even…

This is one of those things that on the blackest of black days I want to remember.  I’m not an easy person.  And while generally easier for me on paper, in person it’s hard for me to confide things; my walls tend to be a few miles thick, but I need to document that there are angels among us.

I’m surrounded by them.  I don’t know how long I will still be resting or feeling poorly or what the next step is, but I can tell you this.  Since the day I was born, yes I came out swinging, came out fighting, but from my earliest girlhood, the Lord saw fit to send me the best and brightest with which to make the journey joyful.

And to those of you reading this I want to thank each of you for being among those angels in my life.  I couldn’t do it without you.  Your friendship means the world to me.

I love you.