Day 116

It's easier to give our power away, isn't it?  It's easier to tune out, to soften our minds by distraction then on focusing on that which is most important.  Well, it seems easier to me sometimes.   I can't believe how often I fall into that trap.  Now that T is home and using the computer, sometimes I find myself wandering around wondering what to do as if him being here in "my" space makes it so I can't function properly.  That's a lie, by the way. 

Every moment on this earth is an opportunity and I sometimes worry and feel guilt over if I'm squandering those moments.  I have control issues that I am working to let go of because let's face it, I'm only in control of my own decisions and actions.  I'm not in control of T's job, but I'm in control of how I deal with it and the encouragement I can give him.  Ok, one less thing to worry about.  I'm not in control of if C decides to turn in his homework, but I am in control of how I advise him and give him tools to help him remember.  I'm not in control of little C throwing a tantrum, but I am in control of my patience with her and being consistent.

 I am not in control of my pain, not yet, I wish I was, but I can control the ways I deal with it.  I have tools to strengthen my body, to relax my mind, to elevate my spirit that can trump the fear that pain brings with it.  It is not more powerful than I am, if I don't let it be.   Being  human, so frail, so quick to squelch unpleasantness, to cage it up into something neat and orderly and shove it deep inside ourselves only to have it revealed in another way further down the road.  Is that why we need background noise, validation from all sides, a rush of adrenaline?  It keeps things at bay where we don't have to admit that truly the things we think are vital for our survival are only a set of things we have picked up and carried around with us so we could protect ourselves from the bumps and bruises of life.  It's our baggage and it's dang heavy, yet HIS yoke is easy and HIS burden is light.  Our former stake patriarch who was my Isaiah teacher told us a few months back that it's not about handing our burdens to Christ for Him to take away, but that when we put our head in that double yoke with Him beside us, we still have to walk, we still have to move forward, but He is pulling along beside us taking the lead, but we need to follow Him.  Sometimes that means just getting out of bed one morning, sometimes that means being the answer to someone else's prayers, sometimes that means weeping in gratitude that at least once we responded correctly. 

The fact of the matter is that I live beneath my ability.  I live beneath my destiny, who I was born to be.  I live beneath my ability to ask for and receive revelation.  There are times I refuse to elevate myself to a higher level because I don't believe I'm worth it and it's easier not to face all that comes with being HIS disciple. I spoke with a friend the other day and we talked about all the years I didn't sleep.  Do you know what she said to me?  She told me that was my time to commune with God.  She asked me if I would be willing to go back and change all of that for sleep.

I don't want to look back on my life only to realize that I traded that opportunity for something infinitely inferior.  Now don't misunderstand me.  I'm not saying that suddenly I'm going to stop sleeping.  Yah, I don't do well on less than 16 hours (ha) I am catching up you know, but I have let the trial I am facing right now (job loss) stop me from seizing the day and achieving all of the things I have been prompted to do.  It's as if I have just been waiting for the job to come so that I can get back to living.  "I can be happy when..."  I can be happy now.  Life hasn't stopped.  My inspirations in my life haven't changed.  I don't have to be afraid, to be distracted, to equivocate.   I can talk about it all I want, it's the doing, the going out into the waves that seems daunting, but He told Peter that he could walk on water.  I only need to write.