Day 246

I'm bored.  I feel trapped, antsy in my own life.  I hold back every day.  I try to be gentle and I'm not gentle.  I'm a lot of things, but I'm not that.  I'm tired of sitting in meetings and being serene.  I don't know.  I need a project.  I need to feel needed, essential.  I want to leave it all and go on a mission.  I'm serious, too.  I feel like I'm drowning in suburbia.  Excitement and me are nil right now. 

I listen to Angels and Airwaves where a few weeks ago I was listening to classical music.  I feel like I've overcome great odds with this body of mine and I can't just stop.  I can't sit still.  I've done that too much.  I feel like running until I burst.  I feel like taking on the world.  I did that more before I got sick.  I held down a bunch of jobs and projects and then I crashed.  Well, now I've sat around and I've tried to drip, drip, drip and you know what?  I detest dripping.  I loathe dripping.  I have ADD and dripping is like dropping me in a hole and leaving me there. 

I know I need to embrace where I am in life right now.  I'm sad because I really wanted to go to Girls Camp this last week.  I did everything but drive down there and push myself into the camp.  I tried, but it just didn't work out and I know this isn't true,but I just didn't feel needed and it kills me.  The honest truth is, it kills me because I love those girls and I feel like I can make a difference.  And I feel like everyone who wanted to go and even those who probably didn't want to go did and I sat at home.  And I would have felt that energy burn through me and I would have felt needed and I don't feel like I'm doing much.  Oh, I know I know I am and the places where I am and the people who need me.  I've just been too quiet and the lack of noise is popping my eardrums.

I inherited some money from my grandfather.  I could put it on debt from when T lost his job.  I know that's the responsible thing to do or I could get on a plane and fly to New York.  I could get on a plane and fly to the beach.  I could get online and sign up for classes at the U.  I could sign up for any classes I want to actually.  Here's the thing though:  I can't.  I can't yet.  I'm so torn.  Gotta enjoy every second that my youngest is here with me and knowing it will come soon enough when she's not and I will be and am sad about that.  On the other hand, my oldest is gone all the time mowing lawns, going to camps and classes or out with friends.  My youngest is following suit pretty quickly and I feel like am I making a huge difference anyway? 

I feel like all I do is nag and all I want to do is hang out with them.  My dad offered to pay for classes for me to become a Pilates' instructor.  Cool, huh?  Yah, except I don't have the patience to teach someone else how to do this.  I'm not gentle-serene remember?  I can barely slow down enough and relax when I take a class let alone teach one.  Secretly that frustrates me because what a perfect opportunity.  I just don't communicate well enough.  Now if I could write down the instructions and hold up cue cards for the class members to follow then we're in business.

So if talk about jumping out of airplanes or driving 100 mph on deserted highways you'll know I'm craving something I'm still looking for.