Day 248

I'm waiting for Josh, my enrollment counselor, to call me back.  Almost all of my AA degree from a bajillion years ago transferred over to the U or Phoenix.  Yes, you heard me right.  Lo and behold, they now offer a BA in English.  What the what??????????  And they are SIGNIFICANTLY cheaper than the U and all the classes are online which is a lot easier than all the other universities around where the closest satellite office is either in Tooele for English or having to hightail it to a campus far away.

It will take me about 2 1/2 years to get the BA and then at that point I either take a couple religion classes and try my hand at the lottery that is seminary or else I begin my Masters' program in secondary education.  Regardless of what happens, my grammar should improve.  And that's a bonus for taking the first step towards one's dreams...hmmm???

Here I go into the dark.  The story of my life.

Day 247

I talked it over with T last night.  We hashed out ideas and brought to the surface things I already know.  I know I'm supposed to teach.  It says it not 1,2,3, but 4 times in my Patriarchal blessing.  Hmmm...I wonder if I'm supposed to teach-haha.  I already know that I want to teach teenagers and how many people actually want to do that?  I looked into taking classes at the U and it will cost me $40,000 to just experience my junior and senior there and come out with an English degree.  I already have my AA degree and it still will cost a small fortune just to finish my BA.  I could get a teaching grant, but then I belong to the federal govt for four years after I graduate and have to work for at risk situations full time and that just seems like servitude to me. 

Here's a wild idea.  I would love love love to teach seminary.  Now in any other state that would just be an early morning calling I would have.  Here it even says on the website that due to the extremely high level of interest in candidates here to please pick a plan b.  I'm still going to go for it.  That feels really right to me.  I will need to take a couple classes at the U (waiting for little C to be in first grade of course) then do a whole bunch of student teaching, and then hope that they will pick me out of hundreds of candidates.  I feel like if its meant to be it will be.  And meanwhile I write.  My maid of honor T and I are throwing a chapter out back and forth of our life stories and its kicking my butt in gear to not only write, but to get into my own head at different points of my life and gain some clarity as well and that can only be a good thing particularly as I look forward to my destiny.

I dusted off Curly and I think about her all the time.  I seriously love the story.  I wasn't ready to write on her for the longest time, but maybe I am now.  Now that is a story that has my heart laid bare on a page.  In all its innocent gory detail.  It's why writing is magic.  Its a form of expression wherein we communicate with ourselves, and yet the characters aren't really us, they're all the life experience we've picked up and carried in our pockets all these years and finally able to give voice to.  And boy, they want to talk.  We can either listen to them or pretend they're not there and it will only torture us in the end.

Thanks A for all your lovely support.

Day 246

I'm bored.  I feel trapped, antsy in my own life.  I hold back every day.  I try to be gentle and I'm not gentle.  I'm a lot of things, but I'm not that.  I'm tired of sitting in meetings and being serene.  I don't know.  I need a project.  I need to feel needed, essential.  I want to leave it all and go on a mission.  I'm serious, too.  I feel like I'm drowning in suburbia.  Excitement and me are nil right now. 

I listen to Angels and Airwaves where a few weeks ago I was listening to classical music.  I feel like I've overcome great odds with this body of mine and I can't just stop.  I can't sit still.  I've done that too much.  I feel like running until I burst.  I feel like taking on the world.  I did that more before I got sick.  I held down a bunch of jobs and projects and then I crashed.  Well, now I've sat around and I've tried to drip, drip, drip and you know what?  I detest dripping.  I loathe dripping.  I have ADD and dripping is like dropping me in a hole and leaving me there. 

I know I need to embrace where I am in life right now.  I'm sad because I really wanted to go to Girls Camp this last week.  I did everything but drive down there and push myself into the camp.  I tried, but it just didn't work out and I know this isn't true,but I just didn't feel needed and it kills me.  The honest truth is, it kills me because I love those girls and I feel like I can make a difference.  And I feel like everyone who wanted to go and even those who probably didn't want to go did and I sat at home.  And I would have felt that energy burn through me and I would have felt needed and I don't feel like I'm doing much.  Oh, I know I know I am and the places where I am and the people who need me.  I've just been too quiet and the lack of noise is popping my eardrums.

I inherited some money from my grandfather.  I could put it on debt from when T lost his job.  I know that's the responsible thing to do or I could get on a plane and fly to New York.  I could get on a plane and fly to the beach.  I could get online and sign up for classes at the U.  I could sign up for any classes I want to actually.  Here's the thing though:  I can't.  I can't yet.  I'm so torn.  Gotta enjoy every second that my youngest is here with me and knowing it will come soon enough when she's not and I will be and am sad about that.  On the other hand, my oldest is gone all the time mowing lawns, going to camps and classes or out with friends.  My youngest is following suit pretty quickly and I feel like am I making a huge difference anyway? 

I feel like all I do is nag and all I want to do is hang out with them.  My dad offered to pay for classes for me to become a Pilates' instructor.  Cool, huh?  Yah, except I don't have the patience to teach someone else how to do this.  I'm not gentle-serene remember?  I can barely slow down enough and relax when I take a class let alone teach one.  Secretly that frustrates me because what a perfect opportunity.  I just don't communicate well enough.  Now if I could write down the instructions and hold up cue cards for the class members to follow then we're in business.

So if talk about jumping out of airplanes or driving 100 mph on deserted highways you'll know I'm craving something I'm still looking for.

Day 245

Paul had a thorn in the flesh
I picture it in his side for some reason
I feel like mine is in my heart
I've lost something maybe I never had
But the pretense was there at least
And I could count on certain things
Then life choked out even the weeds
Let alone anything that bloomed

I used to think we must be really bad
To go through our individual hells
Together so that they multiplied
And comparatively we looked like screw ups
I thought it must be our strong wills,
Our strong children who are old souls
Satan hates us or loves our weakness
Anything to make sense of it all

There are scars on my body
There are scars on my soul
But not just on me alone
Though it is too much to talk about
So we sit in silence uncompanionably
We can't undo the experiences
The large land mammals in the room
The great expanse between togetherness

I know the finger of Christ heals all
My testimony is in place as is yours
But I can't see over the summit
And I'm so very very lonely
Pride is gasped in great gulps
I always trusted in your feelings
Though I often cast them aside
And now I see, though it's so so late

Healing within me I recognize
Healing in us, years even eons of time
Mending what's broken
Stripping all reinforced walls
Until all is bare, raw, primal
This frail tabernacle recoils
At the thought of such at one ment.
Which is why I have to try.