Day 242

I threw T a surprise 40th birthday party this weekend.  I hadn't done this since his 25th.  I read his journal again (don't  judge me) the other night just because he is better keeping up on his, apparently I have no boundaries, and I like to reminisce about easier lighter days.  Fifteen years ago I threw one humdinger of a party and sent out witty, personal invites and was still rather gaga over it all.  Fast forward to now, and it seemed like a means to an end.  I needed to do it.  I needed him to know he is on my radar, that through the craziness that is reality right now, I acknowledge the passing of time, of his time, stuck with me as he is.  I have alluded, let's face it, bluntly stated how hard our marriage sometimes is.  He is gone now, living out his days as is his role and it has been easier than I anticipated...still, when I am alone commuting yet again to the other city I frequent so often, I miss picking up the phone and having him there just because he always was-is.

The thought of starting my new "old"  job again this Thursday is terrifying to me if I let it be.  It is so growth inducing to be so out of my element in so many ways and if I let my boss-mentor-friend down I will take it to heart very deeply.  She expects me to be on top of my game, as well she should, but in my weaker moments, I doubt my ability.  This is where I am.  Trying to find some self confidence.  Let's face it, I have often thought I have been rather clever in hiding it, but the truth clings to me in violet hues.  I find the need to downgrade the play I have written to "cheesy" just to save face.   The fact is, I like it, it conveys the message it needs to, and I laugh out loud sometimes as the actor's deliver their lines, but I realize that unlike a short story or novel, the words are up on a stage for others to critique.  Once again, this is good for me.

That's the thing.  I dig my heels in a little bit, but I don't stop.  I cannot be content to not reach further.  I have lived a life before that has been too much in what I thought was my comfort zone and it is anxiety riddled and is not who I am, nor who I was born to be.  There has been too much time in which through pain I have reacted to life instead of acting first.  I have to look fear in the face and then walk through it until I am not afraid anymore.   And I have just begun...