Monday, January 9, 2012

Day 241

T got a job offer today.  Lots of travel, but that will probably be good for me.  As of now, I depend on him a lot.  Like living under my level of strength dependence.  I think that's because I was hurt for so long and then he's been home forever.  Whatever the reason, it will be hard on me the first little while to not have him here.  Now, I suppose I could go the other way and throw wild parties and serve the kids cake for dinner just because I can...

I know my reaction today should have been wild relief, rejoicing, a chicken dance, anything really, but instead I feel raw, bruised, unsure, suspicious even.  Will it work out?  Will we find ourselves in this same position again and if so, what is the answer?   At that point, do we crumble up and give up?  Don't go all worried about me, we are a scrappy pair, fiercely holding on, holding up, but still there's a limit, isn't there?

This whole stream of consciousness writing thing makes my grammar even more abysmal than usual.  I have been listening to Ben Folds song "You Don't Know Me"  with Regina Spektor about 47 times.  Once I love a song, I listen to it until it's crumbled to dust.  I love me a man with a piano and clever writing slays me.   I want to take piano lessons again.  My real wish would be to take cello, but I will have to wait until the resurrection since that would put my healing backwards by a mile.  I want to take ballet or some sort of dance class too.  

As this is a writing blog, I'm trying to come up with some sort of extravaganza for a RS enrichment night in February.  My dream was a to write a play, but since I haven't started yet, we'll see how it all goes.  I will write something.  And then let's pray it's any good.


  1. I know what you mean about listening to a song so much (love your description btw!). I've done that to a song recently too--Dream by Priscilla Ahn. I'm going to look up the Ben Folds song though. I always love a tip for a great song.

    BTW, for what it's worth, congratulations on the job offer!!!

  2. I love that song too, but I think it has a danger to it in a marriage. Listener beware. ;> Did you by chance find an edited version?

  3. I am so relieved for you, but I know what you mean about relying on your husband being around. I often wonder how women deal with husbands who travel since it's so out of what I know, but my friends who do it say they get used to it. I bet you enjoy the freedom :).