Day 242

I threw T a surprise 40th birthday party this weekend.  I hadn't done this since his 25th.  I read his journal again (don't  judge me) the other night just because he is better keeping up on his, apparently I have no boundaries, and I like to reminisce about easier lighter days.  Fifteen years ago I threw one humdinger of a party and sent out witty, personal invites and was still rather gaga over it all.  Fast forward to now, and it seemed like a means to an end.  I needed to do it.  I needed him to know he is on my radar, that through the craziness that is reality right now, I acknowledge the passing of time, of his time, stuck with me as he is.  I have alluded, let's face it, bluntly stated how hard our marriage sometimes is.  He is gone now, living out his days as is his role and it has been easier than I anticipated...still, when I am alone commuting yet again to the other city I frequent so often, I miss picking up the phone and having him there just because he always was-is.

The thought of starting my new "old"  job again this Thursday is terrifying to me if I let it be.  It is so growth inducing to be so out of my element in so many ways and if I let my boss-mentor-friend down I will take it to heart very deeply.  She expects me to be on top of my game, as well she should, but in my weaker moments, I doubt my ability.  This is where I am.  Trying to find some self confidence.  Let's face it, I have often thought I have been rather clever in hiding it, but the truth clings to me in violet hues.  I find the need to downgrade the play I have written to "cheesy" just to save face.   The fact is, I like it, it conveys the message it needs to, and I laugh out loud sometimes as the actor's deliver their lines, but I realize that unlike a short story or novel, the words are up on a stage for others to critique.  Once again, this is good for me.

That's the thing.  I dig my heels in a little bit, but I don't stop.  I cannot be content to not reach further.  I have lived a life before that has been too much in what I thought was my comfort zone and it is anxiety riddled and is not who I am, nor who I was born to be.  There has been too much time in which through pain I have reacted to life instead of acting first.  I have to look fear in the face and then walk through it until I am not afraid anymore.   And I have just begun...

Day 241

T got a job offer today.  Lots of travel, but that will probably be good for me.  As of now, I depend on him a lot.  Like living under my level of strength dependence.  I think that's because I was hurt for so long and then he's been home forever.  Whatever the reason, it will be hard on me the first little while to not have him here.  Now, I suppose I could go the other way and throw wild parties and serve the kids cake for dinner just because I can...

I know my reaction today should have been wild relief, rejoicing, a chicken dance, anything really, but instead I feel raw, bruised, unsure, suspicious even.  Will it work out?  Will we find ourselves in this same position again and if so, what is the answer?   At that point, do we crumble up and give up?  Don't go all worried about me, we are a scrappy pair, fiercely holding on, holding up, but still there's a limit, isn't there?

This whole stream of consciousness writing thing makes my grammar even more abysmal than usual.  I have been listening to Ben Folds song "You Don't Know Me"  with Regina Spektor about 47 times.  Once I love a song, I listen to it until it's crumbled to dust.  I love me a man with a piano and clever writing slays me.   I want to take piano lessons again.  My real wish would be to take cello, but I will have to wait until the resurrection since that would put my healing backwards by a mile.  I want to take ballet or some sort of dance class too.  

As this is a writing blog, I'm trying to come up with some sort of extravaganza for a RS enrichment night in February.  My dream was a to write a play, but since I haven't started yet, we'll see how it all goes.  I will write something.  And then let's pray it's any good.

Day 240

 I've had a fever the past few days and I've felt calmer than I have...ever.  I like it. 
Little C has a loose tooth.  What the?  She's 4.
Today I got offered my job on Thursdays back.  Turns out they miss me...
T and I have been holding our breath.  Hopefully I will have news to share about that soon.
Yesterday I had 8 kids running around my house.  Due to aforementioned fever, I felt calm about it.
They all like C's new ping pong table.  Party house for the winter months?
Today I pried out a paper jam in my boss's shredder w/ a serving fork. That will look great on a resume.
How do I spell resume(e)?

T's favorite group right now is Grace Potter and the Nocturnals.  One song is about having a boyfriend who treats her poorly.  Little C finished brushing her teeth tonight and told me, "Mom, if my boyfriend ever does that to me, I'm gonna walk away and find a new boyfriend."  

I absolutely believe her.  I may be the Fire Woman, but that girl blows me out of the water.