Day 188

Yes, it was Where She Went by Gayle Forman.  Good book.  I recommend it.  And yes, she shouldn't write a third book for the series, J.  I hope she doesn't, actually. 

One of the things about this blog is that I have tried, sometimes unsuccessfully, to tell it how it is.  To have a forum where I can discuss my true thoughts and not whitewash my life.  There are a couple of days every month during that time we all know about where I should be sequestered from polite society.  Yesterday and today were those days for me. 

My heart and my actions weren’t matching up, they don’t often align.  And I wish it wasn’t true, but the fact of the matter is I needed and need humbling.  And I’m getting it and it’s important that I get it.   Some of you may know that I lost my temper and had to apologize to some teenagers and brought them cookies a few years ago.  Tomorrow I will clean up the mess I made today.  I wish I wasn’t messy in my life, but I charge ahead and I’m scrappy and try to be the tough guy and so I have to take out my broom and sweep up.  All of the time.

 I feel so deeply.  I love so strongly.  I am passionate, an ocean, my anger a tidal wave, my loyalty knows no bounds, most especially when it comes to my family, and I try to face all my fears with my eyes forward and my head up.  I am constantly self evaluating and trying to do better, but the closer I seem to get to God, the more my flaws are exposed and they are as C.S Lewis said, the “rats in my cellar” that scatter when they are exposed by the light.

I hate the rats, but they are there and during no time is that more clear than during the “renewal process” for lack of a better word that we as women GET to experience (ugghhh). I may call pain beautiful, but I’m not yet ready to call PMS the same.  I know there is something to it though that I need to understand.   Something divine, something that will make me understand myself as a woman, as a daughter with greater clarity.  Because at no other time am I more humbled by my actions than this monthly reminder that has enabled me to be a mother and that I believe symbolizes so much more.  I would love to discuss this in further depth, but it doesn’t seem appropriate now.

I hope this made sense.  Let me know.  Think about it though.  I think there is something important here in understanding ourselves as women.