Day 198

People keep asking me how we are doing.  To be honest, I am so busy I don't consider the answer much.  I worked one of my jobs tonight and will again all day Saturday.  We are getting ready to have a small garage sale and have tons to do to get ready.  It's been good though for T and I to have a project.  We are cleaning out the basement and getting things organized.  Keeping busy is a blessing. 

Day 197

I've been talking to a friend of mine's husband who is the creative director for one of the state's most famous companies and who works with a lot of copywriters.  He gave me some homework assignments in an attempt to build up a portfolio.  I'm excited.  It's a creative challenge for me and a foray into the writing world that I've never given much thought too.  Like coming up with a billboard in seven words or less. 

Did I mention I want to write and get paid for it?

Day 196

I am still trying to wrap my mind around my own life.  I've been reacting to things instead of acting upon them for so long that this new feeling is somewhat empowering, yet feels foreign.  Today I was sustained and set apart second counselor of the RS presidency.  I was shocked.  I had thought and had even been told I was going into another axillary.  I know however, where this call came from and so I am comforted.   I adore all of the women I will be serving with as well as all of the women I will serve, but I feel my own frailty very keenly. 

I was given a beautiful blessing and realize that I will learn much.  It is another great lesson to me that I'm not in charge and certainly that holds true in my own life.  I just keep moving my feet forward and He directs my steps.  

Day 195

We had writing group for the first time in what seemed like years.  I meet with the loveliest group of friends and fellow writers ever.  It feels like something magical happens when we all meet up so I'm looking forward to having that inspiration in my life back. 

Another long day.  I left at 9:30 this morning for some appts. with the kids, dropped them off at 1:30, got back on the freeway to be downtown to work at 2, got home at 5:30, came home and changed and left for dinner at friends and rolled in at 10.  Tomorrow is much the same.  Luckily, starting next week I will only work 8 hrs and try to coordinate it so I do it on Pilates' days so I'm not commuting as much.  I feel like I've been living in my car. 

Day 194

We are borrowing my friend M's laptop.  I am so grateful for her generosity because our computer is STILL having issues even after coming home from the docs.  I just got a second job once a week that pays me dang good money.  I work for a doctor doing all the odds and ends she needs me to do.  Today I worked HARD.  Some days it will be sorting, taking pictures, whatever she needs.  I feel happy like I'm contributing something.  T still hasn't found anything and it was driving me crazy feeling like there wasn't anything I could do and now I can, even in a small way.  There's another change coming that I will post about (after Sunday :))  that I'm really excited about. 

Did I mention that all my writing is on our computer and I can't access anything?  I still wrote a poem I shared in RS on Sunday, but I've been itching to get back to something, anything I've started.  I should have put everything on a jump drive when the computer first started having problems.  I took it all for granted and now sniff, sniff, it's not with me.  I hope it's running again soon.

Day 193

Our computer is broken.  I am borrowing one to write this.  It's kind of ironic, really.  Stay tuned.  Life will be back after these messages.

Day 192

It's very early in the morning and I am exhausted.  T's sis and niece and nephews have been here and we've had a lovely time.  I grew up without cousins except for one 11 years my senior.  These kids are 14, 12, and 11.  C is really close to them and I wished they lived closer.  They are in South Dakota so we don't get to see them that often.  I did find out today that my MIL has a boyfriend.  That shocked both T and I, but I hope she is happy.  Good for her.

Thanks again, C.  Arthur Nelson thanks you too...somewhere.

Day 191

I worked on a scene this weekend. There are too many unanswered questions about the mother character and I know there's gold there, I just have to pan for it.  I have had to do research on architecture and the housing market in the SoCal town it takes place in.  It has given me a picture in my head and even though I spent a few years growing up there, it really helps bring it to life.  We are hopefully planning a trip to CA sometime this summer and I can research more while I'm there.  Hmmm...maybe I can write it off.

Love this weather.  Looking forward to many warm nights out on my deck scribbling away.

Day 190

I finally saw the latest Harry Potter.  I liked it.  I didn't expect to like it as much as I did.  It was the pacing.  It was the only movie that didn't feel rushed and glossed over.  Anyway, wasn't it lovely today?  C's soccer team won their game and at the last minute, the coach on the other team tried to cheat.  The whistle had been blown and so C's team stopped playing and then a few seconds later the opposing team kicked the ball in. The other coach got in the ref's face and said that's how they do it in basketball.  C got in that coach's face and said this wasn't basketball, it's soccer.  T ran out to the field to hold C back. 

The other coach was really mad at C because he wouldn't back down.  My 10 year old must have forgotten he was 10.  When he's with adults, I think he really does sometimes forget that.  We are working on that.  I'm ok with a strong passionate kid, but there must be boundaries.  His hot head Italian father and hot head Irish mother are going to teach him how to be steady and calm...any questions?





This is where I keep reminding myself that I know we are supposed to be his and little C's parents.  Humbling.






 

Day 189

Had a lovely day with my friend T and her family.  She fed me the most delicious pink chicken salad I've ever eaten.  :)   I feel better today, further proof that those hormonal couple of days a month suck.  Little C rocked her ballet recital and she waved to the audience and held her flower up in the air during the finale.  My parents are awesome:  tall tale contest, ballet recital, and soccer game all this week and they've been to everything. 

I've been working hard to get my scouts signed up and things collected for their camp next week.  I have so much respect for scout leaders even more now!

Day 188

Yes, it was Where She Went by Gayle Forman.  Good book.  I recommend it.  And yes, she shouldn't write a third book for the series, J.  I hope she doesn't, actually. 

One of the things about this blog is that I have tried, sometimes unsuccessfully, to tell it how it is.  To have a forum where I can discuss my true thoughts and not whitewash my life.  There are a couple of days every month during that time we all know about where I should be sequestered from polite society.  Yesterday and today were those days for me. 

My heart and my actions weren’t matching up, they don’t often align.  And I wish it wasn’t true, but the fact of the matter is I needed and need humbling.  And I’m getting it and it’s important that I get it.   Some of you may know that I lost my temper and had to apologize to some teenagers and brought them cookies a few years ago.  Tomorrow I will clean up the mess I made today.  I wish I wasn’t messy in my life, but I charge ahead and I’m scrappy and try to be the tough guy and so I have to take out my broom and sweep up.  All of the time.

 I feel so deeply.  I love so strongly.  I am passionate, an ocean, my anger a tidal wave, my loyalty knows no bounds, most especially when it comes to my family, and I try to face all my fears with my eyes forward and my head up.  I am constantly self evaluating and trying to do better, but the closer I seem to get to God, the more my flaws are exposed and they are as C.S Lewis said, the “rats in my cellar” that scatter when they are exposed by the light.

I hate the rats, but they are there and during no time is that more clear than during the “renewal process” for lack of a better word that we as women GET to experience (ugghhh). I may call pain beautiful, but I’m not yet ready to call PMS the same.  I know there is something to it though that I need to understand.   Something divine, something that will make me understand myself as a woman, as a daughter with greater clarity.  Because at no other time am I more humbled by my actions than this monthly reminder that has enabled me to be a mother and that I believe symbolizes so much more.  I would love to discuss this in further depth, but it doesn’t seem appropriate now.

I hope this made sense.  Let me know.  Think about it though.  I think there is something important here in understanding ourselves as women.

Day 187

I read a book today I really enjoyed.  I haven't read a novel in a long time.  I have so much to do in the next couple of days and I feel like I'm just reacting to it all.  Today was C's last day of school and his sweet teachers made the class a DVD of pictures of the kids all throughout the year and set it to their favorite songs.  It was awesome and so were his teachers.  It was like a load of bricks were off his shoulders today and he has smiled more than I have seen him smile in weeks.  Yea for summer!  I am so excited and planning all sorts of adventures with these two kiddos of mine.