Day 186

So turns out that shooting with good "form" killed my neck.  The residual nerve pain is making me grumpy.  I don't meet with my PT until next Thursday and it looms in the distance.  Sorry, I don't mean to complain.  C rocked it in his "tall tale" competition this evening.  He looked like a little man as he performed.  He was in his element and even little C was into all the stories of the other children.  I'm so proud of him.

Day 185

Wowza.  The party never ends here at the firehouse.  I've been really busy thinking about writing and visualizing actual writing and that's generally after I've gone to sleep.  I've been talking about my novel and offering to lend it out to others who may want to edit it.  I even had a power lunch discussing it which amounted to eating a turkey sandwich at Gandalfo's and having S tell me to get off my...you get the picture.  I think with T home for a while, I've used the shift in scheduling as an excuse, but I'm repenting and getting back on the stick.

This weekend we stayed at my FIL's new house down south.  I may have made him laugh once using the term, "big boobs," and those of you who know the drill know that somewhere a pig achieved lift off.  Later he was greatly disappointed in my "form" as we went target shooting, but I may have made headway my friends,  and give me another 15 years and we may become BFFs.   I wish...


I really do.

Day 184

I call her Rita...

Picked this little lady up at Plato's and couldn't bear to see her on the rack for another minute.  She and I were made for each other.   I wore her today just on a random Monday.  Perhaps I should have chosen some amazing party to have her make her debut, but visiting teaching works too...

Day 183

I feel like a good mom today.  I was contacted by a woman with a gifted son who was meeting up with another woman with a gifted son and they asked to meet up with C and I.  So having met neither of them in person, C and I ended up in a Mini Cooper convertible going up a beautiful canyon up north.  One mother is a lawyer from Long Island, one is a bombs specialist from Maine and they have done expansive research for their kids.  I am only beginning the journey, but I watched all three boys play and find fossils in the foothills and discuss things that are way over my head and I saw how happy C was.  I rode in the back of an old pickup through pockmarked dirt roads and climbed and descended a mountain today and I mean literally as we hunted for fossils.  It was a complete adventure.  I had no idea what to expect, only that I needed to reach out and see what the world holds for my boy.  It's a bigger world than I realized.

Day 182

Good news:  My computer is now working.
Bad news: T is now not working.

I've had several opportunities to perfect my reaction to this news.  I've been angry, fearful, shocked, relieved, stunned, etc. etc. etc.  Now on this eighth time I admit I'm still reacting like I'm underwater, but I'm just going to choose faith.  I'm still breathing, the dishes still need to be done, C needs to meet with someone who costs $350 an hour and it's almost funny because this is the craziest possible time for that, but the Lord is in charge and I'm not.  And I've done upset and freaked out.  It's time to try something new. 

Day 181

Great weekend.  Just what I needed.  Able to recharge my batteries. 
A guy in my Mat Class wore his T-shirt that said, "Watch out, or you'll end up as a character in my next novel."  I gotta get me one of those shirts.  T ordered a new motherboard so hopefully it will come sometime this week and I can access my writing again. 

Day 180

I tried to post late last night, but blogger was down for some reason.  I wrote today as I recorded all the details I could observe about the five cars of undercover police officers packing heat on my tiny circle.  I won't go into too many details,  but let's just say as a mom of two young kids I had my eye on the proceedings pretty carefully.  I may even utilize it for a future story.   I am so nosy and was going to take a walk, but when I saw all the action literally happening outside my front door, I parked myself right down and started writing. 

I have voiced my concerns about C recently and have found some valuable resources through some parents who are dealing with the same issues.  We are going to get him tested and we have tentatively set up a meeting with some other families in a few weeks.  There are a lot more options out there than I realized and I had a very enlightening conversation with a woman today who was able to provide me with a lot of answers.   I realize that I am being very cryptic in the information I provide, but let's just say that my son has really struggled these past few months and T and I realize that we need to be more proactive.  I hesitate to mention it because I think sometimes it seems like I am talking about my really smart son who I am testing for giftedness and it would probably seem like that would just be a good thing, but it is a lonely road for him and the frustration is starting to leak into all aspects of his life. 

I know the Lord is mindful of him though and I feel like he is answering our prayers and providing some answers. 

Day 179

Took the kids to the pediatrician today.  He has been our pediatrician since C was a baby and we drive 20-25 minutes to his office.  It is so worth it.  I told him some of the struggles C has been having lately and he told C that if he ever needs to talk about anything, to call him and he will always be there to talk to him.  It was pretty cool.  I love it when people love my kids.   Little C failed her eye test.  Yes, you read that right.  Sigh.  Won't she look cute in a tiny pair of glasses though?  T and my genes...together we are anxious, allergic, and myopic.  Hey, at least neither one of us are serial killers!

Day 178

So I’m watching The Voice as two contestants battle it out with their pipes in the “ring.”  I admit, I ignored all the hype as it was advertised, but now I’m really enjoying it.  I don’t watch TV as a rule, except for Parenthood, but the season’s over and now I like this.  Maybe it’s because I wish I could sing.  I used to sing into a Fisher Price xylophone wand on the ledge of my fireplace without a shirt, but that was thirty three years ago, so unfortunately all that footage has been lost and the proof is gone. 

Day 177

It used to be on my other blog that I wouldn’t post unless my words were profound at least in my own mind.  I would be standing in the shower and KNOW what I needed to write and sure enough it would work.  And angst provides a sound palette for creativity.   I’ve been hiding.   I’ve justified it because my computer is still fried and all my writing is stuck on the charred remains.   I don’t know how to access it and yet I felt inspired AGAIN that I need to finish editing my novel.   It’s as if the Lord is helping me see how valuable my words are by me not being able to relish them.    I miss my other stories too.  I miss Curly.  I miss the writer I was before that tick infested editor disemboweled my hope.   I was only a baby writer then, but I believed I could fly.  Now I am teenage slacker writer, afraid of being who I was born to be; rebellious, lazy and self-absorbed.

If I was to be published tomorrow, would anything be different?  It’s in the scratching out the world with a toothpick that I see what I’m made of.   Would I suddenly believe in myself any more or would I just be the same pubescent wordsmith with now aged gnarled fingers clutching my pen that has littered words that people actually respect?   I don’t think it matters.   I love my words.  I love what I need to say.  It’s taken me a long time to be able to say that.  I’ve decided the worst thing I can do as a writer is to sit on the sidelines of my own life.  Not writing is akin to not breathing and yet I’ve been holding my breath until I’ve turned blue too many times.

I am back to writing every day.  I will just have to write late at night commandeering T’s work laptop.  J, THANK YOU.  Seriously, you don’t know how much it means to me. 

I am rollerblading now; a six year old has nothing on me.  I practice on my driveway spinning in circles my tongue probably sticking out between my teeth as I concentrate.   I also received a little trampoline for Mother’s Day and it’s hard to feel blue when one is jumping.   

Until tomorrow…

Day 176

 I am anxious, but trying not to be.  There is a lot going on with T's job and it isn't good.  C is having issues at school and we were in an hour long meeting yesterday.  Add to that my sister's stalker who spent a night in jail for refusing to talk to officer's has filed a motion to fight my sister's stalking injunction against him so now my sister has been in court having to rehash all this man has done to her.  I just finished writing out my statement to be notarized tomorrow, but will probably have to go testify next week.  The thought of seeing this monster again after all these years makes my blood run cold.  If it was just that, then ok, but with everything else going on in my family it is making me feel as if I'm stretched to the breaking point.

I had my season of peace and now it's come to an end.  I am having a hard time wanting not to stay in bed hiding every morning, but I know I need to have faith.  Whatever happens, I know the Lord is with me.  Sometimes I don't want to be strong, I don't want to testify in court, I want my son to be happy, I want my husband to be happy and successful and I wish my computer hadn't crashed.  Currently, I am using T's work laptop so I only have it a little while in the evenings, so I may not be online very much. 

I wrote C a long letter and I ended it with my testimony and my love.  I do have both of those things right now and it will all be just fine and I KNOW it will all be ok, it just seems overwhelming right now.  I hope this is making sense.  I am really tired.  Good night.  I will try and write more soon.


The Fire Woman

Day 175

We had a beautiful Sunday.  Great day at church.  My neighbor who hasn't been to church in years came and looked so pretty.  My Isaiah teacher came and taught our family a lesson on the Atonement for our FHE and some things that he learned as a student of Bruce R. McConkie.  The kids were enthralled and we all learned so much.  We have decided that we are going to have guest speakers come to our FHE's and talk to the kids.  The next one is a former professional football player in our ward to talk to the kids about how to work hard and achieve their dreams.  I think we will do that at least once a month.  C also came up with the idea to have quarterly family conference where each of us pray and come up with a topic to talk about like at general conference.  I thought he had a great idea.