Day 126

I wish I could play the cello.  Isn’t it haunting?  It sounds the way I wish I did, like when I have something to say, but just can’t get it out.  Then I wish I sounded the way a cello did.  Low and velvet and people stopped in their tracks just to hear each cadence and hang onto each word I spoke. 

I wonder what good ole’ Anne spelled with an E would have done with a computer?  I like to think it would have thrown her for a loop.  Her ruminations were based on the type of pen she carried be it scratchy or stub or just the right kind for loving Gilbert.  I’m in a funk and its one that only I can solve.  I’m afraid of failing.  I like to end a phone conversation leaving the other person laughing, leaving a group the same way, leaving my last word as somehow profound or meaningful and if I can’t do that, I flounder.  

My thoughts are all over the place, aren’t they?  Tomorrow I get insurance and hopefully a good antibiotic.  

Day 125

I am coming back to writing everyday.  I am still sick, but I'm just going to pretend that I'm not.  I haven't been able to do Pilates for a week and that isn't doing me much good.  So I need to jump on that horse again.  Well maybe not jump, ease back up maybe. :)

Day 124

Maybe it’s because I’ve been fevered for the past few days,  but the urge to write is so strong that I sit here with words swirling around in my brain gnashing their teeth to break free.  I often write in a frenzy and then I’m good for awhile.  I haven’t written since
Sunday because of this plague that has seized hold of me and I am reaping the consequences. 

I’m still not well.  It may be strep throat, but my new insurance doesn’t take effect until March 1 so I chug water like its air and sleep until it becomes my only reality.  Am I asleep now?  I’ve made it down to the computer.  I even had the crazy impulse to clean and in the midst of the loud alternative music and scrubbing the kitchen table, I was exhausted and burdened with words, so here I am.  The fever’s back and a crisp bag of baby carrots feels good on the forehead.  Where’s the Tylenol?  I don’t have the time for this.  Margaret Mitchell wrote GWTW while she was laid up.  Where’s my yellow note pads?  Wouldn't it just be so much easier to open up the brain and just dump the stories out?  Having to organize my thoughts and then move my fingers seems so burdensome right now.  

 

Day 123

Been sick since yesterday afternoon.  Will  be back after these messages...

Day 122

Is anyone still trying to catch up on the fact that February is almost over?  I am planning out March still trying to figure out how the weeks are stampeding off without me.  I am in charge of our next ward activity.  OH.YA.  It is a game night and now that there are no longer activity committees the different auxiliaries are in charge and this one got delegated to me because it is game night and I think everyone knows by now I live for that.  It's March 11th and that seems like its practically here so I need to call my committee and start planning.  I was also asked to give a little presentation for the RS b-day party the next week and there are two baby showers a few of us are helping with in like two weeks so though I'm technically between callings, I'm keeping myself busy.

Today in primary sharing time the kids were asked how we can have the spirit in our home.  Little C raised her hand and said, "Don't make mommy upset." 

Day 121

The blank page is an asylum for stunted creativity.   I sit in front of my computer screen with my desire in a strait jacket, the words inside of me mirthlessly laughing. 

I used to sit out on my balcony and stare up at the sky.  The constellations mapped out before me and though I was never quite sure what I was looking for, I always found it anyway.  The stars infused me with energy and reminded me of a home I know I once loved, they were quiet, they didn’t judge, and they watched me as if I was the star of my own life and they were an endless audience cheering me on.  I remember I never spoke in words, but my heart spoke endlessly.  I got sucker punched, saturated with the sticky world and I looked up.  Things looked dark and hazy, so I traced the brilliance that clustered and twinkled in the veiled heavens.  I shared dreams with those night lights.  I hiccoughed fears, I may have cursed in their general direction once in a while, but most of all I missed them.  I missed them because I was at a time in my life when I wasn’t seeing that I was surrounded by an entire milky way of beings who were packed in to see me succeed and to throw roses at my feet throughout my big performance.

I couldn’t see that then.  I can see that now.  The page is no longer blank, but the fear of failing is numbing up my fingers and so I look up again.  Please, please wilt thou help me?  I think the key for me will be finally realizing that the snow white page is not an indication of my frailty, but an untapped opportunity.   Until then, I will  just keep filling it one imperfect word at a time.

Day 120

T starts Tuesday.   He will be the corporate recruiter for a small company nearby.  They only have 35 employees and need to grow.  They don't have an HR person either so they want him to be able to get them going on that ultimately as well.  It is actually an excellent opportunity to jump in on the ground floor.

Yesterday was a big deal for me.  I had a great talk with K, the kind where you lose track of time and wish you had all day to spend.  She has mentored me through so much lately.  S and P were a riot over lunch and J ended the day nicely.  She just got a part in 'Oklahoma' in a local theater production and I'm trying to vicariously live through her I think.  I'm grateful to my mom for taking little C on Thursdays and giving me a day to recharge my batteries. 

The most important thing I want to document about yesterday however is my time with A at physical therapy.  I may have shared that the people I work with there are not LDS.  In fact, A's family is "Born Again" and the exposure she has to their experience has soured her to the whole organized religion thing.  I only mention this because I think in my cloistered little world I forget how sheltered I am.  Growing up, most all of my friends were of different faiths and it was actually uncommon for me to meet a fellow member of the church.  For the last almost twenty years, I think part of me has forgotten and how comfortable I was with that.  A is quite spiritual and the two of us often spend our hour talking of God and healing and our experiences.  She is my friend and I am delighted to report that I think I am hers.

I get close to my caregivers.  It has happened to me time and time again.    My other PT actually started crying last week when I "graduated" to her more advanced class.  She was stunned at how far I had come.  Anyway, at the end of my visit as I was leaving, I said, "Hey A, you always give me a lot to think about."  She just looked at me for a minute and said, "You do too."    I'm so grateful I have this opportunity to be a part of this rehabilitation center.  A started it and has surrounded herself with people who are making a difference in this world.  I sat and talked with a 16 year old who almost severed his spinal cord who A is treating.  He is one of many that she is treating and giving them their lives back.  Obviously, the experience is healing more than just my body.   I also get to remember that we are all children of God and we all really aren't all that different.  I realize that it is me that has the most to learn.

Day 119

I'm reading a book that contains this quote:  "Let the world feel the weight of who you are...and let them deal with it."

A little different than carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders, isn't it?  LOVE this.

Day 118

T received a job offer today.  He's inclined to accept it.  We just need to pray about it.  It's only about 8 minutes away.  We dropped the kids off at my parents so we could have a few hours to discuss things.  On the way back we stopped at the library and I picked up a crate load of books.  There are literally 25 books on C's to read shelf.  I checked out quite a few myself. Of course I will start out with the unauthorized biography of Angelina Jolie and then move to more serious books like Ella Minnow Pea.  Good stuff.

Day 117

What a dichotomy!  I went to the Humanitarian Center to sort through donated clothing and one minute I would picture the adorable face of a little child who has nothing receiving a shirt or some pants.  The next minute I would pick out a vintage dress or scarf and COMPLETELY covet it!!  I really felt as if I needed it.  Then I would force myself to sort it into a bin and think of how happy someone would be to get it.  Shame on me, my vintage fetish is creeping into my service projects now...

Just told by my bud M I need to run not walk to the Carl Bloch exhibit at the Y and to rent Relative Values with Julie Andrews and Colin Firth.  Yes please to both.

Day 116

It's easier to give our power away, isn't it?  It's easier to tune out, to soften our minds by distraction then on focusing on that which is most important.  Well, it seems easier to me sometimes.   I can't believe how often I fall into that trap.  Now that T is home and using the computer, sometimes I find myself wandering around wondering what to do as if him being here in "my" space makes it so I can't function properly.  That's a lie, by the way. 

Every moment on this earth is an opportunity and I sometimes worry and feel guilt over if I'm squandering those moments.  I have control issues that I am working to let go of because let's face it, I'm only in control of my own decisions and actions.  I'm not in control of T's job, but I'm in control of how I deal with it and the encouragement I can give him.  Ok, one less thing to worry about.  I'm not in control of if C decides to turn in his homework, but I am in control of how I advise him and give him tools to help him remember.  I'm not in control of little C throwing a tantrum, but I am in control of my patience with her and being consistent.

 I am not in control of my pain, not yet, I wish I was, but I can control the ways I deal with it.  I have tools to strengthen my body, to relax my mind, to elevate my spirit that can trump the fear that pain brings with it.  It is not more powerful than I am, if I don't let it be.   Being  human, so frail, so quick to squelch unpleasantness, to cage it up into something neat and orderly and shove it deep inside ourselves only to have it revealed in another way further down the road.  Is that why we need background noise, validation from all sides, a rush of adrenaline?  It keeps things at bay where we don't have to admit that truly the things we think are vital for our survival are only a set of things we have picked up and carried around with us so we could protect ourselves from the bumps and bruises of life.  It's our baggage and it's dang heavy, yet HIS yoke is easy and HIS burden is light.  Our former stake patriarch who was my Isaiah teacher told us a few months back that it's not about handing our burdens to Christ for Him to take away, but that when we put our head in that double yoke with Him beside us, we still have to walk, we still have to move forward, but He is pulling along beside us taking the lead, but we need to follow Him.  Sometimes that means just getting out of bed one morning, sometimes that means being the answer to someone else's prayers, sometimes that means weeping in gratitude that at least once we responded correctly. 

The fact of the matter is that I live beneath my ability.  I live beneath my destiny, who I was born to be.  I live beneath my ability to ask for and receive revelation.  There are times I refuse to elevate myself to a higher level because I don't believe I'm worth it and it's easier not to face all that comes with being HIS disciple. I spoke with a friend the other day and we talked about all the years I didn't sleep.  Do you know what she said to me?  She told me that was my time to commune with God.  She asked me if I would be willing to go back and change all of that for sleep.

I don't want to look back on my life only to realize that I traded that opportunity for something infinitely inferior.  Now don't misunderstand me.  I'm not saying that suddenly I'm going to stop sleeping.  Yah, I don't do well on less than 16 hours (ha) I am catching up you know, but I have let the trial I am facing right now (job loss) stop me from seizing the day and achieving all of the things I have been prompted to do.  It's as if I have just been waiting for the job to come so that I can get back to living.  "I can be happy when..."  I can be happy now.  Life hasn't stopped.  My inspirations in my life haven't changed.  I don't have to be afraid, to be distracted, to equivocate.   I can talk about it all I want, it's the doing, the going out into the waves that seems daunting, but He told Peter that he could walk on water.  I only need to write.

Day 115

Today was practically balmy, wasn't it?  We took a walk to the temple as a family and I was impressed we got there and back in a little over an hour.  With a toddler in tow, that's saying something. 

Day 114

Just watched the movie RED again with T.  I told him that I wish he was a secret operative of the government.  He asked if I had ever seen him shoot a gun.  Oooh...




Wait, this is a writing blog, isn't it?  Catch ya'll later.

Day 113

So this morning as I was brushing my teeth, I realized that I had not posted yesterday.  NICE.  I have never forgotten to post for 112 days...grrr...

T asked me today when he can read my novel, so I'm getting my butt in gear.  Speaking of that, remember that coolest Pilates studio of all time in Miami, the one where the rehabilitation I need to get better originated from?  Well, today I found out my personal Pilates trainer is the daughter of the man who invented the training that I have needed this whole time.  She was like, "Yah, I grew up in that studio."  Whoa.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around how cool this is to me.

And yes, I will be posting tonight as usual.  Back to writing...

Day 112

It has been one of those days where I have literally been running all day.  I have been saying hello to old friends, praying for others, and putting my gas tank on empty.  It's been a fabulous day and T has decided he wants to finish a novel.  I'm proud of him, but even less computer time!  Aack!  I am looking forward to just chilling tonight with my bud, C. 

Day 111

The dishwasher is running, the clothes washer is going, C is watching a nature program,  little C sounds like she's NOT sleeping, and I am in the middle of it all, attempting to write.  I used to have to write everything out longhand on all these yellow legal pads I had floating around.  I have got to get back to that.  For some reason, on this novel, its always been a typed thing for me.  I have not been able to write out a word.  It hasn't clicked.  Now with one computer right in the middle of the kitchen, it isn't exactly ideal.  

I've been sleeping better.  I've been dreaming.  My dreams are often stressful, but in real life this is what I dream about.  I dream that T gets a great job and that for our 15 yr. celebration of togetherhood (poetic license, I'll take it please) we go somewhere far away, an adventure, somewhere where I'm not constantly cold.   I dream that I start playing the piano again, that I compose something that makes someone feel, that I will finish editing this novel, that I will buckle down and pray to organize my thoughts on healing and finish getting it down on paper.  That's all. 

These are the things that I don't have to dream about.  The knowledge that what I'm doing is worthwhile.  That the calling I am just ending was worth it because I was able to love someone who will probably play a significant role in my life coming up, that the interim calling I have until the calling I will have soon is ready, will be one that I will enjoy just as much.  I get to see T every day.  Yes, circumstances are stressful at times, but I get to be with him and it's been nice.  Little C throws herself at me at least 97 times every day and declares I'm her best friend.  C has taken some situations that were hard for him and turned them on their ear with his positive attitude.  Dang, I am proud of that boy.   And I picked little C up today and held her upside down by her feet.  It didn't hurt me.  Now that is a dream come true. 

Day 110

Our home teacher came over tonight to give T a blessing.  After he left, both of the kids asked their dad for blessings as well.  LOVE IT.  The priesthood is fabulous.  In my home, it's priceless.

Day 109

Every day little C asks me if we can just get in the car and drive to the beach.  I tell you, she's wearing me down.  If suddenly I'm MIA, that's where you'll find me.

Day 108

Just finished about a page of writing.   It's so therapeutic.   I've been in winter imposed exile if you will.  Except that mine also has to do with T's job situation and I just haven't been able to discuss it too much.  To be honest, I've been lonely.  I know it will all work out.  That's not it.  It's the journey through, the refining process and trust me I need it, that's the lonely part.  I need to lean on my Savior more than I have been doing the last few days.  I will happy to see the sun come out...in all of its forms.

Day 107

T read me his story today.  It was good.  Stop in my tracks good.  In fact, dare I say its my favorite thing he's ever written.  Not for the faint of heart.  And I will never ever read Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater the same way again. 

Day 106

Just finished a nail biting game of Scrabble with T.  I say that's good practice for our writing, right?  I totally smoked him, but I love that he loves playing so much.  Tomorrow in T's writing group their writing assignment is two to three pages of only dialogue having to do with a fairy tale.  He and I brainstormed and we came up with a clever, albeit violent, synopsis.  The Brothers' Grimm weren't lightweights though, so I'd say we're on the right track.

Day 105

We just finished watching the movie Rudy with C.  We wanted to teach him to never give up on his dreams and about having an unconquerable spirit.  He really liked it.  At the end, he said it was a sad movie.  Why?  I asked.  Because Rudy only got to play 7 seconds.  Yes, I said, but he got to play 7 seconds.  Trillions of people don't get to play 1 second.  It also made me realize how much I value the mentors in my childrens' lives.  The ones who tell them they can do anything they dream of doing if they work hard and never give up.

I expect a lot from my kids.  I expect them to do their best.  I expect them to work hard.  I want them to know they can achieve, they can shine, they can be the people they were sent on this earth to be.  This may come as a complete SHOCK, but I have a strong personality.  I can be bullheaded and impatient, but it came to me the other day at lunch that I am supposed to be the mother for these two kiddos of mine.  I'm imperfect as a mother and in nothing else in my life do I want to do it just right than in mothering.  I mess up all the time, but I fiercely love my kids.  I know we are supposed to be together.  They teach me.  I teach them.  The attributes I carry and the things that matter to me, I am passing on to them.

The Lord knows what He's doing.  I hope that makes us all feel better about ourselves as mothers.  Our strengths and core values will be passed down.  The Lord knows what these little spirits need when He sends them to us, even though we aren't perfect and that provides me with a great deal of peace.  Like Rudy, I'm getting my 7 seconds...right now as a mother. 

Day 104

I don't do well when I'm tired.  Little C's soprano voice at the top decibel she can muster, makes my ears implode.  I love the music inside of her, but when I'm tired all bets are off.  T is having a well deserved night away tonight.  Being home all day is driving him batty...it throws the universe all askew. 

I'm off to bed.  No more late nights reading great books.  Though you were right, J.  Thanks.  I love when I can't put a book down. 

Day 103

Two adults at home during the day.  One computer. 



Any questions?