Day 275

Well.

How does one face these cold grey days?  It's interesting that it's not just a literal thing for me.  Though the literalness of the weather dampens things considerably some days.  We are surviving.  The stake came to visit our family and the lesson they gave to us was that when the scriptures promise us that the saints will 'prosper in the land' it does not necessarily mean monetarily.  That always confused me, honestly it did.  I didn't understand how if we were keeping the commandments, cleaving to our covenants, serving to the best of our abilities, how we seemed to consistently struggle with this one.

We were reminded that this does NOT necessarily mean financial, though of course it can.  It can also be blessing of a spiritual nature.  I needed this distinction and I can respect and freely recognize it. 

I was asked today by a loving bishop where I would like to serve.  This has never happened to me before.  Obviously, a few years back I was told I would be in YWs.  When that didn't materialize almost two years ago, I was surprised, but not disheartened as this has been a great time of growth and understanding.  Apparently, I have been requested there...A LOT.  He wanted to give me the opportunity to choose now or later.  Personally, it does not matter.  The Lord is in charge.  I told him I will stay put.  My time will come.  I need to finish this course.  Besides I worry that my energy level will not be enough to keep up with those girls right now. 

There have been days where I do not understand and where I am jealous.  Jealous of Alma, jealous of early saints, jealous of anyone with energy.  I am not content with resting.  I don't know why.  And yet it is what I do.  I rest.  I'm a rester.  A 15-18 hr a day rester these past weeks.  It would be one thing if the rest was making a marked difference, but I can't say that is what's happening.  I had two days this week where I pushed through, but it is a fine line I walk because when the energy is gone, it is gone in a big way.

Without a job, the insurance is gone.  I am not at liberty to get $400 worth of blood work each week.  I am not at liberty to see a dr. I'm not sure was the best dr. afterall for my needs or else find yet another one.  I feel guilty for not finding part time work during this time, but I know very clearly that this is not the time.  So I wait.  And I try to learn.  I have learned much.  Really I have even and especially in ways I can't quantify.  I'm not sure even now I could coherently write about what I'm learning because I'm still in the midst of it and hindsight seems to be the best I can do lately.

Endure is a lovely word.  As has been written ad nauseum by myself, I have and do find beauty in the pain, but now I am endeavoring to find a gorgeous patience and an exquisite faith.  Patience was always a word I loathed to pray for and didn't want to speak of much, but I was devoid of it.  I'm trying to befriend it, invite it to my inner circle quite frankly because it's hanging around the outskirts and I might as well admit its there and introduce it around.

So that's it.  My goal for 2013 is to get well.  T's goal is to get a job.  In those simplest of terms, things don't seem so bad.  In fact, they are things that will in fact come to fruition.  I know that as much as I know that I will draw breath tomorrow.  I just need to endure now and find the joy even when the sky is so gray and keep praying for the sun.  It will be here before I know it.