Day 237

It's cold down where we have our computer now.  T's office is in the basement just until he finds a job and I shiver as I write this.  I received an ultimatum from my work yesterday:  40 hours a week or no job.  To the world it makes no sense.  T doesn't have a job.  I have an opportunity for full time and I'm not going to take it because I'm not going to leave my kids.  So, no more unlimited free classes or discounted PT stuff.  I know it will be ok.  I am telling myself that another opportunity will open or a way to keep healing will present itself. 

I still work for the doctor.  Maybe I could get more hours with her to now pay for all the PT I still need.  It was a blow.  I felt like I was fired.  Maybe I was.  I've never been fired before.  Maybe this is so I will know how T feels.  Today I just huddled on the couch.  I made like 17 hair bows for little C.  I put on movies and gathered myself together.  Tomorrow I will do what needs to be done and the next day, but nothing is in my control anymore.   Except my will.  See, now I write this and intellectually agree, and yet my body is in knots.  I can feel my shoulders hunch like they do when I am stressed.  I'm having trouble sleeping.  It's funny.  I feel so blessed and I feel the storm all at the same time.  I guess it's just like Paul says:  I know how to abound and how to be abased.  I know how to be filled and to suffer need all at the same time.  Trust me when I tell you, that this scripture has taken on new meaning for me.  No matter the blessings, no matter the opportunities to see miracle, the trial must be there to continue the growth.  There is no joy without adversity.  Always when I wish this would end, I think and then what?  Can I finally be happy when T gets a job?  When I publish something?  When my son has no problems?  What then?  When there is nothing to strive for, what then?  It cannot be.  There must be opposition in all things.  Ouch, though.