Day 264

I read this quote I think by Monson in the talk I gave a couple of weeks ago about the Lord shaping the back on which he places a burden on.  I relate to that so well given that I have gone from hunched over to relatively straight to feeling hunched again recently by the onslaught of whatever my thyroid is secreting into my system.  Sorry for the mental picture there.

I don't know why it's getting so much worse.  I talked to my sister who is in remission from this and she said hers never got this bad.  T thinks it's just my body is different having come from a whole lot of varied medical adventures along the way and I think it's me being compelled to be humble.  He gets mad at me when I say it and I don't look at it exactly in those strong of terms so it sounds friendlier to allude to the bending the back quote.

If you look to a few posts ago I felt like we were in a time where our little family was living after the manner of happiness and the things I was doing with them and for them were so vital and now I sleepwalk through my days.  A huge theme of the RS conference was to AWAKE as women and today in 2nd Nephi I was reading the part where Lehi keeps telling his sons to AWAKE and shake off their sins and all I want to do is sleep.  Is that a theme for being alert and watchful for me perhaps when I get better and be awake then and I'm just experiencing an opposition in all things so that when I can be AWAKE I will embrace that by remembering this again? 

I'm rambling again.  I'm coming from a very tired place.  T says I need to go up and eat since my appetite is gone.  He helps me remember, but my stomach just recoils at the thought.  So now I will focus on something I wish I had taken a picture of today.  At the Draper temple (T was so mad at me for going today!)  And it probably was a mistake.  I'm paying for it.  I really wanted to be at C's last soccer game and shamefully I couldn't even get up into a seated position because I wore myself out.  But...because of 10/11/12 today there were 15 weddings and one of them had navy blue fifties style bridesmaids dresses with burnt orange sashes and they were holding burnt orange Japanese style parasols like they have in fruity drinks.  You know the ones I mean?  IN.LOVE.  Makes me want to get married all over again or at least be asked to be a bridesmaid for that bride.   If I had a "happy place" where everything was perfect, that is what everyone would be wearing for at least one day.  Except for T...he would look ridiculous with a parasol.

Good night.

Day 263

I always thought I meandered my way through Girl World pretty well.  I don't even mean my daughter's little friend world, I mean my own.  Face it, we're all still girls at heart, thus my coinage of the phrase still applies.

After much thought on the matter, I realize I gave myself too much credit.  I really don't do all that well.  Texting kills me.  I love it and I hate it.  I hate it when you have no idea what the other person means and if you're me then you have to call and figure it out rather than waste time trying to decipher the code.  Then there's the whole thing of when do you end it?  I like to end on a high note so if what i'm saying seems superfluous of blase I just cut it off at the knees.  Of course, I like to do that in real life too.  That's why small talk at some social function is akin to dental work for me.  If I don't have something fantastical to contribute, I'm a clam.  I always go to the one I feel is sitting alone because it's painful to watch and hey, I've been there.  Then I worry that others think I'm ignoring them because I'm just focused on the one and I also feel the need to greet and say farewell to everyone's comings and goings which I worry makes the one I'm talking to feel like I'm only half listening which I would be listening well if it was only the two of us to begin with, which it should be and I shouldn't have even come to the shindig.  I just want everyone to feel needed and appreciated, but one at a time is so much more doable.  I think I used to have more skill at all this, but age really takes it out of you or else gives you the wisdom to realize how ridiculous this entire soliloquy you are writing actually is!!!!!!!  Hey Firewoman, this stuff is blase, cut it out.

In other fantastical news, I found a new Endo to see.  K, you really came through for me, THANK YOU.  Another daughter's friend recommended the same one today, so I picked up the phone.  She doesn't have any openings until December 9th.  Now some of you may remember that when I first called my PT she didn't have any openings either, but that very day someone had cancelled and I was able to see her three weeks in a row which would cement her and my relationship and get me on her list indefinitely.  Today when I called, the receptionist said, "I don't ever do this because her wait list is so extensive, but I just feel like I'm supposed to..."  Someone had just called and canceled and she got me in THIS monday!!  Are you freakin' kidding me?  She is so hard to get into!  Endo's in general are relatively hard to get into.  I tell you what, I am being looked out for. 

I told T tonight that his little family is being watched out for.  We fall, but we are being cushioned big time.  My tire blows up with 4 little ones inside the car and instead of being at the school or Bangeter Highway, it's two blocks from the carpool's house.  And my parents happen to come home from their vacation early and my brother happens to be there too and get the donut on the car.  And C,bless her heart, is driving my boy here and there and everywhere (thankyou) and though the car sounds like all the other tires are about to go as well, I find that I don't have anywhere I have to be these couple of days until T gets back.  What the?   I tell you I live just a little life, but He is so mindful of this little life that would probably be a breeze for anyone else, but for me well I don't make it look all that easy, but boy howdy, HE does!!!

Day 262

Sent Curly off to two people who asked for it.  That inspired me to pull out Q and I spent about an hour on that fleshing out characters.

My thyroid symptoms are worsening.  The small goiter on my neck is about 3times the size it was Friday and I am having a hard time swallowing and when I talk it's like there's gravel in my neck.  The aching has worsened and the headaches have started though that may be from the 3 periods I've had back to back these last weeks.

I called my Endo.  He is closing his practice and now I need to find a new doc on my crappy insurance and T doesn't start his new job until December with hope of good ins??  Oh, who am I kidding?  I can't get my hopes up.  

Anyway, he can't see me until the end of the month anyway as a last hurrah.  So, if anyone reads this and has heard of a good Endo, please let me know.  The joints in my hands and fingers have started freezing up too, but I'm not sure if that is related to this or some residual TOS thing.

Don't worry, I'm not depressed or anything.  Honestly, I'm not happy about it though.  HAHA-I just keep thinking I don't have time for this.  T goes out of town this Wed-Tuesday and so its not like I can slow down anyway.  He is taking tomorrow off so I can rest before he's gone.  Those of you who know how much I've leaned on my mom on times like this and how healthy it is that I no longer do that/cut a few ties there, will be glad to know I have to figure this out on my own since she and my dad are traveling for a month.  Yes, its good for me. 

No, I'm not happy about a goiter which is growing larger on my neck every day.  But that's a pride thing.  Sorry to complain, but I guess if there's anyplace I can vent just a little this would be it.

Day 261

I really need to exercise and in order to do that I would generally turn on Project Runway to watch as I move.  However, due to the amazing way in which I now feel, I am loathe to turn anything on, but Pandora tuned to the MoTab station.

The talk I gave today wrote itself yesterday morning.  Well, I should really say that the Lord put the words in my mind and my pen flew across the page almost faster than I could control it.  I wrote out every word.  I don't ever do that.  An outline is sufficient and then He will provide the rest.  In this case, He provided every word, every transition, and let me tell you, I felt like Handel writing the Messiah.  I don't mean to be uber dramatic here, but I will never forget what He did for me today.  I felt peace.  I was so calm.  L and I were both speakers and our talks were perfect companion pieces.  I taught the doctrine and she taught us how to implement it.  We never talked about it once.  In fact, up until right before the meeting, she had no idea that I was the other speaker.  We both just followed the promptings we received and everyone was astonished at how we on the "same page" without any redundancy or prior orchestration.

We both taught some doctrine that perhaps some may have felt was hard to hear.  I felt such love for the brothers and sisters out in the congregation that it didn't seem that way to me.  I felt the love the Lord feels for each of them so very strongly that while the message would generally have felt like a chastisement, it instead just felt so tender to my heart.

When the spirit is that strong, I see what the scriptures mean about seeing with our spiritual eyes.  We all felt it.  L and I were just pinching each other, we couldn't believe it.  I had to share this so I myself never forget it.  Don't be afraid of speaking, of teaching, of serving in ANY capacity because if you are willing and exercise your faith, the Lord will NEVER forsake you and he will qualify you in all labor He asks you to perform in His name.

Of this I testify...

Day 260

Summer is winding down.  Fast are the days of sitting out in the warm evenings talking to friends as the children run around barefoot.  I caught a last few hours of the chilly night talking to S as our children attempted to run barefoot, freezing but not being willing to go in yet to face dinner.


I was offered another job.  It will be good to know that when I'm ready and my family is ready for me to be gone a few hours a day, I just may be employable.  Of course, I said no.  Things are way too crazy for that right now.  One month down of school????

I'm speaking in Sacrament meeting on Sunday.  When the member of the bishopric asked me he was so concerned.  I got concerned too.  "What's wrong?  Who needs my help?"  He looked at me strangely.  "Oh, I was just going to ask you to speak Sunday."  Oh, is that all.  I was so worried something bad happened to someone in the ward, that I was relieved.  Sure thing.  I keep forgetting though.  I hope I remember long enough to ponder it this week.  The best times seem to be as I'm yet again sitting in my car for carpool. 

I've decided I'm done picking my kids up in Draper this year.  My friend I lives 5 or 6 min from the school and next year when little C is out of Kindergarten, I will drop her kids off in the morning and have her pick mine up from the school and then just pick mine up from her house.  That is how much I hate it.  I feel like it's the carpool gestapo there and I'm in third grade again getting in trouble if my kids aren't out fast enough and of course if I feel like I'm getting in trouble, my rebellious streak comes out and then I get fiery and have to come home and lie down with a book and a bag of chips...ya, its been that sort of a day.

I had to grade grammar papers in C's class today.  I didn't know the right answers.  If I had to do the work he has to do, I would cry every day that I didn't want to go to school.  They diagram sentences like maniacs.  I mean they have it down to a science and do it scarily fast.  I gave up pretty quickly.  I'm much more comfortable making Native American headbands for little C's class anyway.


When I came down here to write, I felt like I had all these profound things to spout and now I find I can't get anything to come out.  I wanted to write how these were the days I feel like Nephi was talking about when he talked about "living after the manner of happiness" because I know no matter how busy and bustling things are, I'm going to look at this time in the life of my family with joy.  I can sense the importance of this year.  Every day I see that what I am doing, dropping oil into my own lamp, making sure I teach my kids so they know where to get and add to their own lamps is vital. 

Day 259

 final part from previous posts...

I know the grammar is heinous and the dangling participles are something from another world, but I'm pretty much just putting this out here to see if i can flesh things out better-bear with me...

I began to feel as if I had been pressured into this whole marriage thing, but I felt like I had no choices.  I would never go back to my parents and I felt if I got divorced I would be failing.  I already felt like I wasn’t good at the whole being a member thing.  I didn’t go visiting teaching and the temple stressed me out.  Sometimes when I was first going to the temple I would come home and cry so no one could see me because I felt so stupid for not “getting” it and not enjoying it.  I bet that’s a revelation, isn’t it?  Considering how its my air now.  Yes, I didn’t take to it immediately or even for awhile.

And then we had C.  And we were on Medicaid at the time.  And T didn’t have a job and I had post partum even though I didn’t recognize it and didn’t get help.  The job losses chipped at T until he was a bloody mess and I chipped away just as hard.  There were two camps of thought at that time:  We were cursed and sinful because this happened or else we were translated and like Job.  Both camps of thought made sure we understood this and we lost friends over it.  The bishop came to our house and told us he felt prompted that we should sell our house and belongings and move into my parents’ basement.  The rug was pulled out from under us, but it had been moving for a long time anyway and we numbly moved forward.  This was the same time C felt off of the counter and was miraculously healed and I fell down the flight of stairs and was hurt by the man who hurt me.  As I’ve already gone into that whole story on my other blog and talked about my TOS ad nausium, I will refrain from sharing that again.

What does it do to a marriage?  Where were those two kids who had life by the tail or at least one half of them did.  What does this do to love especially if one half is still struggling with wondering if she does love or if she’s just used to or just consigned to this fate?  There are so many little details here it would take several pages to share and we all know the details are what are hard.  There’s what happened to our cat, our “baby” before C was born that pushed a further riff between us, there’s the fact that T thought I was crazy for saying I was in so much pain when the docs could find NOTHING and when you are in horrific pain, the line between pleasure and pain is exactly the same and that’s a can of worms that’s best left undisturbed.  The people in my ward were understanding, but they didn’t want to be our friends because we weren’t legitimately there and did I mention the money that ward oozes with?  We were the black holes in a glittering milky way. 

T got hired as Christmas help at DB.  Lest you think I am using this platform as an exercise in humiliating or calling out T, it couldn’t be further from the truth.  This man had to swallow any and all pride he ever possessed, something I have yet to see more than a mere handful of individuals ever achieve.  He was the Christmas help along with teenagers.  He also threw boxes at Macey’s with all the pre RMs.  He also dug ditches and taught the other workers English along the way.  He did whatever it took to keep us afloat and everyone around us (this was before the recession) was the same as always.  Friend’s husbands were getting promotions and making more and more money and T with the lofty goals and high desires was eating slops in the pigs’ trough and his wife was in a chair because it hurt to exist. 

It wasn’t that we fought at this time because I didn’t have the strength to get angry anymore.  It hurt too much to have that strong of an emotion.  After working T would go to school at night to get his Masters and I would still be up because I didn’t sleep during that year and he would eat the dinner my mother made and we would watch Trading Spaces until he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore and would go in and go to bed…alone.

I don’t know what he thought of me during this time.  He needed me to get better, obviously.  Life at this time is blurry.  I think I’ve established my conversion during the process I experienced.  T got hired full time at DB’s corporate office and worked with all the Mormon “superstars” we all experience every General Conference.  It gave us insurance which we needed to send me to Denver and the paycheck we needed to get us out of my parents.  With all of these spiritual perks the job afforded him, the pay wasn’t great and he would move on.  He tried to be supportive of me with my issues and I tried to be supportive of his.  My issues drained our bank account and devastated any nest egg we could hope to have.  Want to know what living 3 months in Denver will cost you, two major surgeries and over 10 years of rehabilitation?  That’s why T and I aren’t wealthy.  I cost too damn much. 

And with him trying to be supportive of me and me supportive of him, we were pretty sloppy at it.  Why didn’t I get better faster?  Why didn’t he have a better job?  It’s a dance we did and people would say to us, wow you guys have had it pretty rough.  A friend of T’s even mentioned to me he thought we might be cursed.  He didn’t laugh when he said it.  I think T believed it himself.  We almost broke up several, many times.  But now there was C to consider and we would have never done that to him.  I was worried about what other people thought, so I always nixed the idea, but T would have never left me.  If there was discussion about it, it always started with me.

And then we had little C.  And here were these two little miracles and they were from us.  Our fire, our flaws, our futures.  I started feeling some improvement.  The anxiety from the drugs and scalpels that left scars on my eyes and nervous system after the surgeries and the anxiety we both felt that at anytime we could lose everything again were a constant we were always trying to overcome.  Things were severely tested the day I called T and told him I felt like I needed to go to a new PT and do Pilates because the honest truth was how would we ever pay for it?

T got depressed.  How could he not?  Imagine what he had been holding for so long.  Now if we ever talked about splitting up he didn’t fight it.  Sometimes I knew he imagined what it would be like not to be saddled together with only the two miracles as a blessed buffer between us.  I remember one fight where words were hurled like vomit and I had a clear impression of “be careful.”  I knew we were supposed to be together because in moments of spiritual clarity it was the answer to all of life’s questions.  That this passionate, loving man was supposed to be mine and for whatever reason, I was supposed to be his.  He always knew this, but I the late bloomer had to come to see it for myself.

And the truth is, there’s no one else.  No one else who could have put up with the crap he endured in his early life, the hardships he’s experienced now as he looks forty in the face and could anyone guess what he’s overcome by looking at him?  He has a naturally sunny disposition and would drop anything to help anyone out.  He just keeps trying even at those times when no one has believed in him, and to my eternal regret, that has included me.  He just gets up and dusts himself off and keeps dreaming and striving. 

I’m still learning about love.  T knew how to love early on.  I don’t know the mind or will of the Lord, but somehow we were right there in each other’s paths.  I guess what I missed out on in quantity, I’ve found in quality.  And this road I’ve traveled, I wouldn’t change it with anyone else.  The sum of my choices and even lack of them have led me right here to this spot, with this testimony, with this truth, with this spouse, with this set of skills, with this weakness, strength and everything in between.  T and I are infinitely flawed, but we’ve overcome some tough tough things and still flirt with each other.  We fight and make up and keep chugging along.  Do I love him?  Do I trust guys now?  Do I feel beautiful and desirable and get why it all went down the way it did? 

Why yes, yes I do.

Day 258

continued from a previous post...

I didn’t want to be mean to another boy.  Punish them for feeling like their entire sex had ended up hurting and disappointing me.  He wasn’t tall and he was so different.  He talked more than anyone I had ever met and I could tell he was one of these guys who would have thrown his jacket over a puddle so I didn’t have to cross in the mud.  The short thing bothered me…so.much.  I didn’t make it easy for me to my everlasting shame.  I didn’t want to feel anything for him.  I had written off boys so I could focus on my mission.  He was so smart that I felt like I couldn’t possibly contribute anything to the conversation and when he talked news and politics and history and music and any subjects with his friends, I would just clam up.  He talked a good talk.  He wasn’t laid back.  He had a temper and when a really big tall guy bumped into me at Homecoming he chased him down and looked up to him and demanded he apologize to me.  I was disconcerted.  I would find him gazing at me and it was intense.  I hadn’t had too much attention and now here was this guy who seemed to love me enough for both of us.  I tried to break it off several times.  I wasn’t ready for all of this.  It certainly didn’t feel like it had with Alex.  I wasn’t running through a field of daisies and that’s what I thought it should be.  And why couldn’t he be taller.  I blamed his parents-just a few inches surely.  He was so good to me.  He would have blasted off and gotten the moon if I would have asked him to.  I knew he wanted me to be madly in love with him.  It seemed really difficult and he wanted it to keep moving forward until we were talking about marriage before I really understood what was happening. 

I didn’t want to hurt him.  He had such a messed up family and had already been hurt so badly.  Whereas I had not dated very much, he had dated PLENTY.  He had so much experience and I lacked it in spades.  Why did he choose me?  Why did he keep saying I was the most beautiful girl in the world?  What was wrong with him that he would think that?  He received an answer that marrying me was right and I didn’t receive any answer at all.  It came down to only one thing.  Did I want him in my life or did I want to walk away?  I didn’t know for sure, but I know I hated for him to feel sad and he felt sad at the thought of me not being there.  I wasn’t good at making choices then, let alone owning them so I felt as if I let the moments sweep me along until at last I was kneeling across from him at the alter.

Once I met T, I buried the hatchet with my father.  I got up in sacrament meeting during testimony meeting and I apologized to him and felt the anger and hatred dissipate from my heart.  Though I can never recapture that closeness to him now, I have never felt animosity for him since that day.  Now I can hug him even though its uncomfortable and find a fondness there, but I am regretful for all those many lost years because now I understand that he had no idea how to be a dad to me.   I will say this though.  I was the kid.  I have to say that because I can’t take the guilt on myself.  I can only pick up my own pieces.  I leave everyone else to pick up their own.  It’s taken me all this time to be able to say that.  My parents stones are their own to carry around, just like mine are and my kids will be.

My family took to T immediately.  He was everything we were not.  Everything.  We were lazy with our feelings, T took them seriously.  We were lazy with our words.  T talked us all under the table.  We didn’t have strong opinions, T did.  We didn’t have any lofty goals, but T sure talked about his.  I often think they would have adopted him over being stuck with me.  T was just as kind to me when no one else was around as he was with me in public.  I remember thinking that if this was just based on a righteous priesthood holder who treats me like a queen then what do I have to lose?  Eternity felt like a long time though and my youth and inexperience were like bright red welts on my heart.  There was nothing in my life that felt for sure.  I had just started going back to church and my testimony next to his was small and feeble.  So I coasted on his coattails for a lot.  And I gave a lot of my choice and power to him.  Take care of me.  I’ve never felt taken care of or safe.  This wouldn’t serve me well in the long run, but it was where I was at at the time.

I was glad to be out of the house.  I loved my family.  At least I was used to them.  If I sound as callous as I think I do, I don’t mean to.  I just detached from them at a pretty early age.  I was such a strong willed little thing and realized that I didn’t feel like anyone had my back and I just found the world I chose to live in on the outside.  I suppose this is a post for another time if all this internal exorcism is not enough.  T must have been so happy.  I was the dutiful wife.  Our age difference was so apparent and I listened to everything he said and slid back into the shadows.  I lived for him and his dreams.  Whatever he said, it was law for me.  I wouldn’t even pray aloud for our couple prayers the first few years we were married because I felt I was so lacking compared to him.

He interviewed for the CIA.  He really wanted it, but it was not to be.  He got an internship in Washington and it was the most exciting thing as we embarked across the country.  I had to grow up quickly.  I had a road map and nothing but a big smile as I drove all over looking for the two jobs that would sustain us since his stipend was so puny.  I took him to the “slug” station early mornings where essentially everyone hitched a ride to work with complete strangers and then went back to our heinous basement apt where we lived below crazy people and got ready for the first of two jobs that wouldn’t get me home until 10 pm after he had gone to sleep.  It was a hell of a way to start out, but I think we were happy there together.  I felt so capable and he was happy in Washington.  It was the stepping stone to his goals.  He got a real job, but the pay was pitiful.  A studio apt. was going for $800 back in 1996 and I would have had to keep working my two jobs indefinitely to be able to survive.  Washington DC and Virginia are no place for young marrieds starting out.

We made the decision to come “home” and looking back I wonder if we made the right decision.  Personally, I think we should have stayed.  He would have if I would have pushed it or maybe even said why not?  We wanted to start a family, but how could we have known it would take another 5 years to do that.  We were all alone there.  No family to lean on.  It was good for us though.  It was good for me to see T in an environment that he excelled in.  Now I would see the opposite and it would be bad.  I still was swallowed up in his life and came back to work while he entered the work force and slowly, slowly, slowly I began to see things were not working out well.  And the more disillusioned I got, the more resentful I got and the more my anger showed itself.  The anger had been a defense mechanism since I been a tiny child.  It was the only way I felt I could try to control my own life. 

I know he was surprised.  Where was the dutiful wifey?  Where was the sweetheart?  Who was this anxious nag who worried about money and position at work?  I felt trapped and didn’t want to just “follow” him any more, but I had given so much of my self over to him that I didn’t trust my own instincts anymore.  He drove, he did bills, he did all the hard stuff and he was chivalrous and willing to do it and I leaned on him, remember?  There was a slow burn smoldering underneath the surface with me.  I sent him out into the world like he was an extension of my self and I was too afraid to stand on my own and I felt like he and I were both failing at it.