Day 240

 I've had a fever the past few days and I've felt calmer than I have...ever.  I like it. 
Little C has a loose tooth.  What the?  She's 4.
Today I got offered my job on Thursdays back.  Turns out they miss me...
T and I have been holding our breath.  Hopefully I will have news to share about that soon.
Yesterday I had 8 kids running around my house.  Due to aforementioned fever, I felt calm about it.
They all like C's new ping pong table.  Party house for the winter months?
Today I pried out a paper jam in my boss's shredder w/ a serving fork. That will look great on a resume.
How do I spell resume(e)?

T's favorite group right now is Grace Potter and the Nocturnals.  One song is about having a boyfriend who treats her poorly.  Little C finished brushing her teeth tonight and told me, "Mom, if my boyfriend ever does that to me, I'm gonna walk away and find a new boyfriend."  

I absolutely believe her.  I may be the Fire Woman, but that girl blows me out of the water. 

Day 238

There are a closet full of presents for the children.  Each one wrapped and labeled and brought over by angels who which to remain anonymous.  I mean four garbage bags full of presents.  There is also a Christmas tree in my front room that was dropped off on our porch.  A check in the mail, a Thanksgiving feast.  All I know to do is say is Thank You.  I have an idea where some of it may have came from, but the thing about giving anonymously is that it's usually in poor form to rush up to someone and shout, "I know its you!!"  So, I thank God for you.  I bless you in your life and I will try to live my life and serve wherever I can (though not monetarily right now) in some sort of pay it forward.  I guess I am lucky.  I know how to give and I am learning (it's hard sometimes) how to receive.

C won his geography bee at school.  I don't mean his class, I don't mean his grade.  I mean that he is the top student of his entire school.  He beat out 8th graders, 7th, 6th, 5th and 4th.  He was the last man standing and has two gold medals to add to his ever growing collection.  He takes a test now to qualify for the state finals.  Do you remember last year?  He was out in the first round.  His only goal this year was to not be the first one out.  He kept going...and going...and going...and going.  It was a tender mercy for our family.  So stressful, so huddled together, and this?  We are joyful at his exuberance.  I always wondered if he would ultimately be school champion, but I had no idea it would be in his fifth grade year.  

Have I been writing?  Why yes, yes I have.  I received my first paycheck as a copywriter for concepts I helped with for a major company.  I will not name them here on this blog, but I admit I cried with happiness as I received the check.  I LOVE coming up with concepts and to have gotten paid for it is beyond comprehension.  I can do the creative thing.  The portfolio thing and the marketing thing, I am in way over my head.  But I CAN do the creative thing.  I hope and pray to have other opportunities to do this very thing.  Writing lights me up.  Being creative lights me up.  Marrying the two together?  Magic.

Last but not least.  Little C called my friend M who had promised to come to our house to watch her sing and dance the "Angle Song."  M came right over and sat for over 1/2 an hr. watching my daughter sing and dance her heart out.   Little C threw her arms around her neck and told her they need to hang out again.  There have been very few times I have ever seen my daughter that happy.  Isn't the Lord great?  These moments of joy eclipse any heartache. 

Day 237

It's cold down where we have our computer now.  T's office is in the basement just until he finds a job and I shiver as I write this.  I received an ultimatum from my work yesterday:  40 hours a week or no job.  To the world it makes no sense.  T doesn't have a job.  I have an opportunity for full time and I'm not going to take it because I'm not going to leave my kids.  So, no more unlimited free classes or discounted PT stuff.  I know it will be ok.  I am telling myself that another opportunity will open or a way to keep healing will present itself. 

I still work for the doctor.  Maybe I could get more hours with her to now pay for all the PT I still need.  It was a blow.  I felt like I was fired.  Maybe I was.  I've never been fired before.  Maybe this is so I will know how T feels.  Today I just huddled on the couch.  I made like 17 hair bows for little C.  I put on movies and gathered myself together.  Tomorrow I will do what needs to be done and the next day, but nothing is in my control anymore.   Except my will.  See, now I write this and intellectually agree, and yet my body is in knots.  I can feel my shoulders hunch like they do when I am stressed.  I'm having trouble sleeping.  It's funny.  I feel so blessed and I feel the storm all at the same time.  I guess it's just like Paul says:  I know how to abound and how to be abased.  I know how to be filled and to suffer need all at the same time.  Trust me when I tell you, that this scripture has taken on new meaning for me.  No matter the blessings, no matter the opportunities to see miracle, the trial must be there to continue the growth.  There is no joy without adversity.  Always when I wish this would end, I think and then what?  Can I finally be happy when T gets a job?  When I publish something?  When my son has no problems?  What then?  When there is nothing to strive for, what then?  It cannot be.  There must be opposition in all things.  Ouch, though.  

Day 236

I was so grateful for that extra hour of sleep last night.  I am always amazed how there are enough hours in the day.  I have had people's names come into my mind.  Today I just went to see only two.  In the past, I felt like I sometimes have to have something in hand to knock on someone's door.  I don't know exactly what to say and maybe its just about listening.  I know the words will come.  It is a humbling experience.  I find I can't not go.  I know who to see next and then after that.  I also know I have to pace myself.  I was gone three hours today after church and I still have so many others I need to see, but I don't have to go all at once. 

Work is going well at both places, but I am not a receptionist.  It's not my strong suit and I've felt frustrated with myself at little mistakes.  Some people have asked me how I deal with working for the Dr. I work for at my second job.  She is a well known and respected (rightfully so) psychologist.  She is also a hoarder.  It has been an eyeopening experience for me to see how inanimate objects if left unchecked can suck the energy out of the human soul.  I tell people that she needs me.  I don't know if she needs me, but she says she feels calm when I am there and that she seems to feel more clear headed.  She has confided in me that she knows how to understand the complexities of the human brain in her patients and make some life altering decisions, yet she is at a loss dealing with the tiny tasks such as how to deal with the things that have literally eclipsed her life with their trite tentacles.  She cannot throw things away.  She cannot let them go.  They have a choke hold on her, they fill the voids that she doesn't know what to fill with.  I have decided that I will be there for her until she passes away or I do.  It's not about the great money.  Maybe it was at first.  But now there is an opportunity for hearts to communicate without even saying a word.  It's less about what to let go of and more about how to fill up with light, peace, love.  

I know I write infrequently and when I do, I seem to be airing out my testimony, but its where I'm at.  How can I not shout from the rooftops the love I have for my Savior, the mercy He has on me, and how he sustains me and my loved ones for yet another day?  

Day 235

I have to document this Halloween so I always remember how unique it was and probably how it kicked off new territory for me.  For the second year in a row, C was out the door early with a group of buddies he trick or treats with.  One of the kids dad is a rock star, no not literally, but he is in my book because he takes the boys all over the place.  I had to put some snacks in a baggie for C to take with him because dinner wasn't even ready.  It was snap take a picture and out the door.  Little C was asked to go trick or treating by her best friend who happens to have just turned 11.  The plan was for our friends to come enjoy dinner this year ( a favorite-chili in a pumpkin) and then head out the door with little C and her friend.  Lo and behold, the little girl comes with her mom and her mom wants to go with them.  T and I kick back and enjoy dinner with some great company and kids happily off trick or treating.  For a while, my parents came over and handed out candy so that took care of that job.  Our friends don't have children so we enjoyed a leisurely evening.  Either we are the laziest parents ever or we have discovered a new fabulous way to celebrate this holiday.

Day 234

I am composing, compiling the Relief Society newsletter.  That is the extent of my writing the last little while.  I feel it, but there are things being written in my heart that don't necessarily translate to the page, at least not yet.  I fell on my roller-blades the other day, right onto my back.  I was so upset with myself.  I didn't want to go backwards and it wasn't the pain that got to me, it was the imperfection.  There are too many other things that I just can't seem to do well, at least not by myself.  There is nothing like humility to put things into perspective. 
By myself, I am all thumbs.  I realize through all of the experiences of these last few months, that I know nothing.  And because I know that I know nothing, it makes anticipation (which has always been an anchor for me,) obsolete.  That is not to say that I am without hope, but I am less sure about what I hope for.  That is not steady ground for me to be on.
Do I hope that T gets a job, any job or do I hope he just gets the right job no matter the length of time?  Do I hope that through the tiny daily mundane tasks that there is steel forming within me or do I yearn to see some impact that what I am doing matters?  That last one doesn't seem right, but I watch sometimes as others just do it better, neater and I wonder at my weakness.
I want to do more, be more, but I am impatient with myself for needing to rest.  I know the Lord doesn't expect me to run faster than I have strength, but sometimes I want to just sleep and I don't want that to be an excuse to not get the things done that I need to.  There are still things that frighten me, that I don't want to take too close of a look at, but I know that I need to.  So, I push them aside and focus on other things.
I played my parents' grand piano for half an hour this weekend.  My fingers ground the keys with all the energy I had.  My arms didn't hurt.  My arms didn't hurt.  I played a duet with my brother, every hymn I could think of, music I've written, it all fell out of me.  It's still in there.  Do you know what a big part of my life that is?  Don't I talk about it?  Yah, I know.  It's because it's been a good decade since playing has been possible.  I mean really playing.  This healing stuff, I tell you.  It is so complicated.  I know I need to give voice to it.  My spirit yearns to split open, to carry this  body high upon a mountain.  This imperfect body, that shakes uncontrollably when the spirit is just too strong for its natural man-ness.  The two parts have to join somewhere, to come to some sort of an understanding.  I think they did when I played that piano.
Have I told you that healing can be scary?  I would love to tell you that I have perfect faith.  With each new step, more is required.  Excuses are gone.  Old hangups go out the window.  I know He lifts us and blesses us, but I admit, I have fear sometimes.  I think because of that, I am sometimes even afraid to receive inspiration for my own life.  The last vestiges of my comfort zone I cling to like a life line and I know I need to jump out into the abyss.  I know it.  And I shun the fears that still take hold of me sometimes, but they doggedly follow me.  I know that my healing depends on continued and even increased faith.  I don't want to let Him down, I don't want to let myself down.  I know He loves me and will bless me.  I know we can only go as far and fast as we are able, but sometimes I know that I can do more, that I can at least listen more, be more willing to ask.

Day 233

A lot of disappointment lately.  It has been pretty tough and to be honest, I have felt alone.

I had a heart to heart with the temple matron today and told her about an idea that a friend of mine had about installing a doorbell at the front doors of the temple with a sign that says, "Please ring if you need assistance with the door."  She thought it was the best idea she has heard about the problem and said she would talk to the temple pres. asap.   I felt as if in a small way we had made a difference, an impact that could help someone.  I guess that's all I want, to make a small difference somewhere and for my life to leave behind a ripple.