Monday, October 31, 2011
Day 235
I have to document this Halloween so I always remember how unique it was and probably how it kicked off new territory for me. For the second year in a row, C was out the door early with a group of buddies he trick or treats with. One of the kids dad is a rock star, no not literally, but he is in my book because he takes the boys all over the place. I had to put some snacks in a baggie for C to take with him because dinner wasn't even ready. It was snap take a picture and out the door. Little C was asked to go trick or treating by her best friend who happens to have just turned 11. The plan was for our friends to come enjoy dinner this year ( a favorite-chili in a pumpkin) and then head out the door with little C and her friend. Lo and behold, the little girl comes with her mom and her mom wants to go with them. T and I kick back and enjoy dinner with some great company and kids happily off trick or treating. For a while, my parents came over and handed out candy so that took care of that job. Our friends don't have children so we enjoyed a leisurely evening. Either we are the laziest parents ever or we have discovered a new fabulous way to celebrate this holiday.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Day 234
I am composing, compiling the Relief Society newsletter. That is the extent of my writing the last little while. I feel it, but there are things being written in my heart that don't necessarily translate to the page, at least not yet. I fell on my roller-blades the other day, right onto my back. I was so upset with myself. I didn't want to go backwards and it wasn't the pain that got to me, it was the imperfection. There are too many other things that I just can't seem to do well, at least not by myself. There is nothing like humility to put things into perspective.
By myself, I am all thumbs. I realize through all of the experiences of these last few months, that I know nothing. And because I know that I know nothing, it makes anticipation (which has always been an anchor for me,) obsolete. That is not to say that I am without hope, but I am less sure about what I hope for. That is not steady ground for me to be on.
Do I hope that T gets a job, any job or do I hope he just gets the right job no matter the length of time? Do I hope that through the tiny daily mundane tasks that there is steel forming within me or do I yearn to see some impact that what I am doing matters? That last one doesn't seem right, but I watch sometimes as others just do it better, neater and I wonder at my weakness.
I want to do more, be more, but I am impatient with myself for needing to rest. I know the Lord doesn't expect me to run faster than I have strength, but sometimes I want to just sleep and I don't want that to be an excuse to not get the things done that I need to. There are still things that frighten me, that I don't want to take too close of a look at, but I know that I need to. So, I push them aside and focus on other things.
I played my parents' grand piano for half an hour this weekend. My fingers ground the keys with all the energy I had. My arms didn't hurt. My arms didn't hurt. I played a duet with my brother, every hymn I could think of, music I've written, it all fell out of me. It's still in there. Do you know what a big part of my life that is? Don't I talk about it? Yah, I know. It's because it's been a good decade since playing has been possible. I mean really playing. This healing stuff, I tell you. It is so complicated. I know I need to give voice to it. My spirit yearns to split open, to carry this body high upon a mountain. This imperfect body, that shakes uncontrollably when the spirit is just too strong for its natural man-ness. The two parts have to join somewhere, to come to some sort of an understanding. I think they did when I played that piano.
Have I told you that healing can be scary? I would love to tell you that I have perfect faith. With each new step, more is required. Excuses are gone. Old hangups go out the window. I know He lifts us and blesses us, but I admit, I have fear sometimes. I think because of that, I am sometimes even afraid to receive inspiration for my own life. The last vestiges of my comfort zone I cling to like a life line and I know I need to jump out into the abyss. I know it. And I shun the fears that still take hold of me sometimes, but they doggedly follow me. I know that my healing depends on continued and even increased faith. I don't want to let Him down, I don't want to let myself down. I know He loves me and will bless me. I know we can only go as far and fast as we are able, but sometimes I know that I can do more, that I can at least listen more, be more willing to ask.
By myself, I am all thumbs. I realize through all of the experiences of these last few months, that I know nothing. And because I know that I know nothing, it makes anticipation (which has always been an anchor for me,) obsolete. That is not to say that I am without hope, but I am less sure about what I hope for. That is not steady ground for me to be on.
Do I hope that T gets a job, any job or do I hope he just gets the right job no matter the length of time? Do I hope that through the tiny daily mundane tasks that there is steel forming within me or do I yearn to see some impact that what I am doing matters? That last one doesn't seem right, but I watch sometimes as others just do it better, neater and I wonder at my weakness.
I want to do more, be more, but I am impatient with myself for needing to rest. I know the Lord doesn't expect me to run faster than I have strength, but sometimes I want to just sleep and I don't want that to be an excuse to not get the things done that I need to. There are still things that frighten me, that I don't want to take too close of a look at, but I know that I need to. So, I push them aside and focus on other things.
I played my parents' grand piano for half an hour this weekend. My fingers ground the keys with all the energy I had. My arms didn't hurt. My arms didn't hurt. I played a duet with my brother, every hymn I could think of, music I've written, it all fell out of me. It's still in there. Do you know what a big part of my life that is? Don't I talk about it? Yah, I know. It's because it's been a good decade since playing has been possible. I mean really playing. This healing stuff, I tell you. It is so complicated. I know I need to give voice to it. My spirit yearns to split open, to carry this body high upon a mountain. This imperfect body, that shakes uncontrollably when the spirit is just too strong for its natural man-ness. The two parts have to join somewhere, to come to some sort of an understanding. I think they did when I played that piano.
Have I told you that healing can be scary? I would love to tell you that I have perfect faith. With each new step, more is required. Excuses are gone. Old hangups go out the window. I know He lifts us and blesses us, but I admit, I have fear sometimes. I think because of that, I am sometimes even afraid to receive inspiration for my own life. The last vestiges of my comfort zone I cling to like a life line and I know I need to jump out into the abyss. I know it. And I shun the fears that still take hold of me sometimes, but they doggedly follow me. I know that my healing depends on continued and even increased faith. I don't want to let Him down, I don't want to let myself down. I know He loves me and will bless me. I know we can only go as far and fast as we are able, but sometimes I know that I can do more, that I can at least listen more, be more willing to ask.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Day 233
A lot of disappointment lately. It has been pretty tough and to be honest, I have felt alone.
I had a heart to heart with the temple matron today and told her about an idea that a friend of mine had about installing a doorbell at the front doors of the temple with a sign that says, "Please ring if you need assistance with the door." She thought it was the best idea she has heard about the problem and said she would talk to the temple pres. asap. I felt as if in a small way we had made a difference, an impact that could help someone. I guess that's all I want, to make a small difference somewhere and for my life to leave behind a ripple.
I had a heart to heart with the temple matron today and told her about an idea that a friend of mine had about installing a doorbell at the front doors of the temple with a sign that says, "Please ring if you need assistance with the door." She thought it was the best idea she has heard about the problem and said she would talk to the temple pres. asap. I felt as if in a small way we had made a difference, an impact that could help someone. I guess that's all I want, to make a small difference somewhere and for my life to leave behind a ripple.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Day 232
Howdy. I'm here. Working hard. I did a chart audit today and that was pretty cool. I was essentially by myself at the front desk for six hours. It wasn't the prettiest picture, but the job got done and I felt nice and proud of myself. I spent time going through the channels until I got to the recorder's office at the temple. They needed my interview in person as to why I feel there should be handicapped options for a temple entrance. Cool.
It will be at least a year until that happens. C'est la vie. At least I tried and took one for the "I'm gimpy, but don't look it" crowd. It is always so embarrassing to knock and wave at cute little senior citizens who don't look like they can open heavy doors either and then try to explain why I, by all accounts healthy looking fire woman, need them to strain their backs for me.
T's in the running for three jobs. I told him when this is over he is taking me away...indefinitely. Ok, so maybe for like more than one day, if we're lucky, I think.
In other news, C has the opportunity to start violin for free from an amazing teacher. He has never taught before, but plays beautifully and has a violin for C to use. C wasn't sure the violin would be his thing, but for free lessons I asked him to try it out. He won't start for three weeks because he has scouts twice a week and soccer twice a week and I think that's too much. His piano teacher is traveling for a little while so this seemed like an opportune time once soccer season is over.
I was going to try and do one of those cleanses everyone talks about, but then I realize I like pasta way too much. If liking pasta means I need to keep this belly, it may be here to stay. N, my trainer is trying to prepare me so that I will be ready to certify to teach mat classes by next fall. She says I need to be in shape. I train three times a week and I'm not in shape. I'm trying to bike with T and want to start running with L, and ya'll know my anti sweet and cheese thing. I can't give up pasta and bread though and go to a 80/20 veggie thing, can I?
T says no way and my body says....CARBS and so here I am. I need to be in shape in a year so that people won't look at me and say why should I take class from you, Frumpy McFrumperston?
I've missed it here.
It will be at least a year until that happens. C'est la vie. At least I tried and took one for the "I'm gimpy, but don't look it" crowd. It is always so embarrassing to knock and wave at cute little senior citizens who don't look like they can open heavy doors either and then try to explain why I, by all accounts healthy looking fire woman, need them to strain their backs for me.
T's in the running for three jobs. I told him when this is over he is taking me away...indefinitely. Ok, so maybe for like more than one day, if we're lucky, I think.
In other news, C has the opportunity to start violin for free from an amazing teacher. He has never taught before, but plays beautifully and has a violin for C to use. C wasn't sure the violin would be his thing, but for free lessons I asked him to try it out. He won't start for three weeks because he has scouts twice a week and soccer twice a week and I think that's too much. His piano teacher is traveling for a little while so this seemed like an opportune time once soccer season is over.
I was going to try and do one of those cleanses everyone talks about, but then I realize I like pasta way too much. If liking pasta means I need to keep this belly, it may be here to stay. N, my trainer is trying to prepare me so that I will be ready to certify to teach mat classes by next fall. She says I need to be in shape. I train three times a week and I'm not in shape. I'm trying to bike with T and want to start running with L, and ya'll know my anti sweet and cheese thing. I can't give up pasta and bread though and go to a 80/20 veggie thing, can I?
T says no way and my body says....CARBS and so here I am. I need to be in shape in a year so that people won't look at me and say why should I take class from you, Frumpy McFrumperston?
I've missed it here.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Day 231
There has been a flood at C's school so he has been out of school since Wed. morning when we all raced to pick the students up. We just got an email that says estimated start date will be next Wednesday. I feel so bad for the school, but C is loving having some unexpected time off.
T has had a couple of amazing interviews, so we both feel like its just a matter of time. There have been so many blessings we have received while he has been home this long summer. I have picked up a couple of extra hours at one of my jobs on Saturday so that will help too. We will be moving into a different building at the PT office in October so there is much to do.
And I sent off the first rough draft of the novel to my own hubby and members of my writing group to check out. It was pretty hard for me. I think it's important that I work on something else now, so as not to lose momentum.
T has had a couple of amazing interviews, so we both feel like its just a matter of time. There have been so many blessings we have received while he has been home this long summer. I have picked up a couple of extra hours at one of my jobs on Saturday so that will help too. We will be moving into a different building at the PT office in October so there is much to do.
And I sent off the first rough draft of the novel to my own hubby and members of my writing group to check out. It was pretty hard for me. I think it's important that I work on something else now, so as not to lose momentum.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Day 230
I have been pensive the last two days. Yesterday I had some amazing experiences in visiting with certain women in my ward as I went out with little C in the stroller. I try to take walks with her and be out so I can go and visit where I feel I need to and also because it always forces me out of my very strong comfort zone. I challenge myself out of my comfort zone when I can and trust me, it doesn't come naturally. Naturally, I would be hibernating.
Anyway, another thing I did yesterday was defend my child. After defending my child by telling the other child to stop kicking said child and telling the child that if it continued I would need to call the parents, I received a profanity laced phone message from a man who doesn't know me who is the father of this other child. Luckily, I didn't listen to it, but T did and he answered appropriately. It left me reeling. He never asked what his child did, or try to understand the truth of what happened. He just screamed. I admit I was worried about repercussions for my own child over this, but I cannot shrink or I could not have allowed what was going on to continue without intervening.
I was left praying for this other family for hearts to be softened, as threats were made against me and yes, even my child by this man. T assured the man with all of his Italian sensibilities, that that would not be wise on this man's part, but seriously, I have never witnessed anything like this man's reaction. I will tell you what, I now understand a little more about his children's actions based on his reaction to them. Yikes. I have a lot more to say about this, but I will leave it at this and continue to pray over the matter.
I will send out my novel tomorrow night to interested parties.
Anyway, another thing I did yesterday was defend my child. After defending my child by telling the other child to stop kicking said child and telling the child that if it continued I would need to call the parents, I received a profanity laced phone message from a man who doesn't know me who is the father of this other child. Luckily, I didn't listen to it, but T did and he answered appropriately. It left me reeling. He never asked what his child did, or try to understand the truth of what happened. He just screamed. I admit I was worried about repercussions for my own child over this, but I cannot shrink or I could not have allowed what was going on to continue without intervening.
I was left praying for this other family for hearts to be softened, as threats were made against me and yes, even my child by this man. T assured the man with all of his Italian sensibilities, that that would not be wise on this man's part, but seriously, I have never witnessed anything like this man's reaction. I will tell you what, I now understand a little more about his children's actions based on his reaction to them. Yikes. I have a lot more to say about this, but I will leave it at this and continue to pray over the matter.
I will send out my novel tomorrow night to interested parties.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Day 229
56,140 words. I am working on one more scene and then I will be done with this first draft. On Thursday I will be sending this novel out to some friends and have them read it for me if they are willing. I am proud of myself for finishing this. I pulled out Curly and read it again. I think I will be ready to take a look at that story again once I've finished this. It feels so good to be writing. It feels even better to have finished a goal I set.
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