Day 228

I'm almost done.  I wanted to do Pilates tonight, but was a good little girl and wrote.  I am bound and determined to send this out for reading on the 15th and so I'm trying to work sometimes in the wee hours of the night (which is after 10 for this old lady) so it will be somewhat ready.
I hate this part of it.  I'm so scared that it won't be good and I need to know if it isn't any good, but that will be hard to hear. 
A lady I know said she had heard that I was a good writer and I asked her if she had ever read anything I've written.  "No," she said, "but I believe what I've heard."   She then looked at me searchingly, and asked, "Do you believe it?"

And it is in that question, where the whole point lies, for every writer's heart.  Do I believe I am a good writer?  Do all of us who labor to tell a story, bear our souls, believe that we have something of value, worth sharing, worth leaving our mark for?  And I finish this novel, not even because I think it's the best thing I've ever written, but because I grow as I write it and there's value in that journey. 

Day 227

I watched videos today of little C as a baby.  I didn't even recognize her.  After a trying evening attempting to get her down to bed, those baby days are foreign to me.  T and I looked at each other and wondered where that baby had gone.  Now there is a willful mini teenager, otherwise known as toddler, up there screaming for her father.

You aren't going to believe this, but as I am writing this, T just came down the stairs after having gone in her room.  He told me that when he got up there, little C was sitting up in her bed and said, "Daddy, I just called you up to so I could tell you I'm sorry."  Then she laid down in her bed.

I will eat crow right now.  She is an articulate, intelligent, dramatic, and sensitive soul.  Wow, how humbling to me.

I didn't write today, but had literary leanings with J as we discussed motivations for our characters.  I love laughing with you J, and I love that we did this...again.  Thanks for being the GENEROUS friend that you are!!

Day 226

Worked more on the novel tonight.  I don't know how to finish this.  I wish I was Zusak.  I want my prose to sound like poetry.  I want every word to drip with meaning and not only am I not exactly clear on my character's motivations, I am less than clear on my own.   With my ghost story, the voice was very clear.  With this novel, I struggle with making each character's voice unique.  I feel as though I am getting better with dialogue, something I've always struggled with.  I still need to get to So. Cal. and walk in these places.  I think it would help, but it isn't essential.  My main character is weak and I don't love her.  The psychopath boyfriend is fascinating to me.  The mother is strong and over the top and missing chunks.  I have mentioned before that she is the key to this story, but I'm still struggling with her character. 
 


Watched Soul Surfer with the kids.  They loved it.  It was a great movie with a great message based on a true story.  I highly recommend it. 

Day 225

So I've had this thing that probably everybody is experiencing.  I've been dizzy for days, but am functioning and walking around.  Is it walking flu?  It comes with a hefty sized headache, but mostly the slightest thing makes me dizzy.  Oh, like reading, writing, driving, walking, breathing.  The other day I almost fainted as I stood in someone's living room and coming home from the canyon with some girlfriend's, I thought I was going to have to stick my head out the window.  And yet, everybody around me is fine.  Weird.  T thinks my body is just rebelling from running around too fast.  He gave me a blessing last night since Thursday's are my 12 hr. days and I was able to function, but tonight as I sit and write, the room is spinning.  Who knows? 

Congrats, J.  You're a star. 
Happy Birthday tomorrow, K.   I'll call you.

Day 224

I read through all 178 pages of my novel.  I wrote a new scene and cleaned some things up.  I know my weak spots and where I need to focus.  I worked for about four hours this evening on it.  I set a goal with my writing group friends to be done by Sept. 15th and while part of me thinks that was a crazy thing to do, the other part knows I need my feet held to the fire.  I am so close.  I just need to finish it and send it out to others to read it and help me with it.

I'm pretty tired, but writing all this time felt good tonight.

Day 223

aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  I don't feel good.  I almost fainted today and I can't figure out if I'm coming down with something or if I'm just stressed.  I think it's the latter.  I honestly think I'm a wimp now that T's gone all night every night.  I am so worried about him and before I could just focus on all the stuff I had to do and just trust that he would be alright.  Now I worry that he is up all night and not sleeping much or well during the day and its throwing everything all off.  Where did the summer go?  Where were all the fun little idylic field trips I was supposed to take the kids on?  I don't understand.  I hate not knowing.  I hate limbo.  I am in a life 'waiting room' on the one hand and charging full steam ahead on the other hand.  Can I tell you how many times this week my 10 year old has babysat during late hours of the night?  Every night this week, T leaves before I get home.  I find my boy's bedroom light on reading his nightly vigil away.  He doesn't complain and is a champ.  He is perfectly capable of doing it, but my heart is always home praying that my babies are okay. 

Where is the calm, zen fire woman?  She has left the building and listening to Angels and Airwaves full blast as I write this.  Now is the time for me to work on my novel.  Today little C told me there were kidnappers in the green belt.  What the?  Then C asks me why people would kidnap children and if they just want the ransoms.  I just hugged him and told him that maybe sometimes that happens, but that people just aren't very nice sometimes.  I just left it at that.  I want to always just leave it at that.  They are getting older and I'm not ready. 

I've gotten to the point where if people ask me what they can do, I just tell them.  My darling sis'n'law asked what her and my brother can do and without even having to think I told her.  I want to get away.  My 15 year anniversary came and went without not only fanfare, I don't think even a piccalo played.  I want to go away for a couple of days and remember T and I innocent, in a world where kidnappers only care about ransoms. 

Where is T?  Where is he under all of it?  How is he really doing?  I don't know.  I do know he feels like everyone and their dog thinks he's a loser.  How do I help him with that?  I can tell him it's all ok, but he can tell if I'm not completely feeling it. I tell you without the Lord I would be in the fetal position.  Because I sure as heck (I'm being a good girl here) can't make it all ok for him, C and little C.  I know my love and support are vital, but sometimes it just doesn't seem like it's enough.

Mostly I'm just disappointed in myself that I can't do it all.  I worry that I'm not a good enough wife, mother, friend, counselor, human being.  Talk about providing self esteem.  Don't worry.  I've got it.  I just want to be more, rise above, be better, learn and apply. and I know I'm taking baby steps, but sometimes it's hard until I've looked behind me.  T is a stud.  No one even uses that word any more, but the fact that he hasn't hung his head and run across the border floats my boat.   Anyone else looking forward to when "George" moves on and I come back to my senses?  Peace. Out.


PS-    K, you amaze me.  I know I have no reason to complain in lieu of your trials right now.  I love you and your faith is inspirational to me.  Hugs and prayers to you and N.

Day 222

When I was growing up, my mom used to call our monthly friend, "George."  That was until a new family moved in next door and the man's name was actually George.  And she would curse "George" up and down so that had to stop.  I think it then became "Pete," but I digress.   "George" is currently with me and I have been weeping or weepy all day.  Thanks C for listening to me snivel and bemoan my hormonally skewered fate. 

T didn't get the job we thought he was getting.  He is now at a temp job and will be there until five am tomorrow morning.  I hate that.  I just do.  I'm not going to put a bow on it and wrap it up for granny.  I just hate not having him here with me overnight.  We've done this before.  Now we are doing it again.  I know, I know, that's life.  I miss him.  I miss knowing him when we aren't tense and stressed in the quagmire of little details and sometimes big ones too.  I want a sunset beach.  I want a breath with him.  We went to the temple last week and were chosen as the witness couple.  I thought that was pretty apropos because while we always go separately, we seldom go together.   It was like a little gift, a little hurrah that we were together at the right place and that it mattered.

It's so hard.  I'm sorry, I don't mean to complain.  I can't explain how we are surviving financially, but I tell you after all this time, things are just working out.  I guess my period and unemployment just aren't on speaking terms right now, because the two of them are a cocktail for emotion spillage for me.  How do you like that image?  I went to see The Help with my sister.  She is actually my brother's wife, but she is my sister.  I adore her.  Run, don't walk and see this movie.  I went through a packet of Kleenex.  Oh my gosh.  Allison Janney?  She kills me.  I was so impressed with everything really.   I would finally breathe and then someone else's performance had me again.  This was a risk for Bryce Dallas.  I love her and I don't.  She was Hilly, bless her little heart.  And Mo Mabley?  Squish your precious little girls.  Ok, maybe don't go see it when "George" comes to visit you.