Day 193

Our computer is broken.  I am borrowing one to write this.  It's kind of ironic, really.  Stay tuned.  Life will be back after these messages.

Day 192

It's very early in the morning and I am exhausted.  T's sis and niece and nephews have been here and we've had a lovely time.  I grew up without cousins except for one 11 years my senior.  These kids are 14, 12, and 11.  C is really close to them and I wished they lived closer.  They are in South Dakota so we don't get to see them that often.  I did find out today that my MIL has a boyfriend.  That shocked both T and I, but I hope she is happy.  Good for her.

Thanks again, C.  Arthur Nelson thanks you too...somewhere.

Day 191

I worked on a scene this weekend. There are too many unanswered questions about the mother character and I know there's gold there, I just have to pan for it.  I have had to do research on architecture and the housing market in the SoCal town it takes place in.  It has given me a picture in my head and even though I spent a few years growing up there, it really helps bring it to life.  We are hopefully planning a trip to CA sometime this summer and I can research more while I'm there.  Hmmm...maybe I can write it off.

Love this weather.  Looking forward to many warm nights out on my deck scribbling away.

Day 190

I finally saw the latest Harry Potter.  I liked it.  I didn't expect to like it as much as I did.  It was the pacing.  It was the only movie that didn't feel rushed and glossed over.  Anyway, wasn't it lovely today?  C's soccer team won their game and at the last minute, the coach on the other team tried to cheat.  The whistle had been blown and so C's team stopped playing and then a few seconds later the opposing team kicked the ball in. The other coach got in the ref's face and said that's how they do it in basketball.  C got in that coach's face and said this wasn't basketball, it's soccer.  T ran out to the field to hold C back. 

The other coach was really mad at C because he wouldn't back down.  My 10 year old must have forgotten he was 10.  When he's with adults, I think he really does sometimes forget that.  We are working on that.  I'm ok with a strong passionate kid, but there must be boundaries.  His hot head Italian father and hot head Irish mother are going to teach him how to be steady and calm...any questions?





This is where I keep reminding myself that I know we are supposed to be his and little C's parents.  Humbling.






 

Day 189

Had a lovely day with my friend T and her family.  She fed me the most delicious pink chicken salad I've ever eaten.  :)   I feel better today, further proof that those hormonal couple of days a month suck.  Little C rocked her ballet recital and she waved to the audience and held her flower up in the air during the finale.  My parents are awesome:  tall tale contest, ballet recital, and soccer game all this week and they've been to everything. 

I've been working hard to get my scouts signed up and things collected for their camp next week.  I have so much respect for scout leaders even more now!

Day 188

Yes, it was Where She Went by Gayle Forman.  Good book.  I recommend it.  And yes, she shouldn't write a third book for the series, J.  I hope she doesn't, actually. 

One of the things about this blog is that I have tried, sometimes unsuccessfully, to tell it how it is.  To have a forum where I can discuss my true thoughts and not whitewash my life.  There are a couple of days every month during that time we all know about where I should be sequestered from polite society.  Yesterday and today were those days for me. 

My heart and my actions weren’t matching up, they don’t often align.  And I wish it wasn’t true, but the fact of the matter is I needed and need humbling.  And I’m getting it and it’s important that I get it.   Some of you may know that I lost my temper and had to apologize to some teenagers and brought them cookies a few years ago.  Tomorrow I will clean up the mess I made today.  I wish I wasn’t messy in my life, but I charge ahead and I’m scrappy and try to be the tough guy and so I have to take out my broom and sweep up.  All of the time.

 I feel so deeply.  I love so strongly.  I am passionate, an ocean, my anger a tidal wave, my loyalty knows no bounds, most especially when it comes to my family, and I try to face all my fears with my eyes forward and my head up.  I am constantly self evaluating and trying to do better, but the closer I seem to get to God, the more my flaws are exposed and they are as C.S Lewis said, the “rats in my cellar” that scatter when they are exposed by the light.

I hate the rats, but they are there and during no time is that more clear than during the “renewal process” for lack of a better word that we as women GET to experience (ugghhh). I may call pain beautiful, but I’m not yet ready to call PMS the same.  I know there is something to it though that I need to understand.   Something divine, something that will make me understand myself as a woman, as a daughter with greater clarity.  Because at no other time am I more humbled by my actions than this monthly reminder that has enabled me to be a mother and that I believe symbolizes so much more.  I would love to discuss this in further depth, but it doesn’t seem appropriate now.

I hope this made sense.  Let me know.  Think about it though.  I think there is something important here in understanding ourselves as women.

Day 187

I read a book today I really enjoyed.  I haven't read a novel in a long time.  I have so much to do in the next couple of days and I feel like I'm just reacting to it all.  Today was C's last day of school and his sweet teachers made the class a DVD of pictures of the kids all throughout the year and set it to their favorite songs.  It was awesome and so were his teachers.  It was like a load of bricks were off his shoulders today and he has smiled more than I have seen him smile in weeks.  Yea for summer!  I am so excited and planning all sorts of adventures with these two kiddos of mine.